Feet On the Ground

I’m moving to Lexington in 2 days. I have orientation on Friday and classes start next Tuesday.

Nearing freak out mode here.

And…we’ve arrived.

Tags: change, discomfort, law school, risk, uncertainty

I had a going away party yesterday. I had it a little early because my beloved aunt is going to have surgery this week and she, of course, had to be a part of everything. She’s having her reconstruction surgery after completely defeating cancer. She didn’t even have to have radiation or chemotherapy. She’s so strong and faithful and God is SO awesome. Anyway.

So, if I defined success by the number of people who apparently gave a crap about me moving away to be bothered enough to come to my party, I’d be a big blasted failure.

You know who came? THE PEOPLE I’M GOING TO TALK TO ANYWAY. *headdesk* I’m not kidding…nearly half of the people that came I had seen that week. I invited so many people that I don’t get to see that often and might never see again, thinking that it would be so cool to have everyone in one place. A couple people had legitimate excuses- my bff came for 30 minutes because she had to go, ya know, be a bridesmaid in a wedding…and we totally hung out last night anyway. But some people gave very vague excuses. I don’t consider, “I had stuff to do!” a legitimate reason to not come to my party. You know what the real reason was? I don’t care about your party.

The only people that showed up from church were my band guys and their wives. A couple people that I have met from church were there- but they don’t go anymore and I don’t consider them “church friends” anyway. I consider them “real friends” and it’s sad that there is a difference between the two.

But for the rest of people at church? Their reason? I don’t care.

The party was at the church.

The people there pride themselves on being so perfect. Yet they are so selfish, so awful, and so stuck up their own asses that they can’t even think about honoring someone else. If I’m truly honest with you, and that’s something that I just can’t keep out of my writing…the thing that makes me happiest about moving away is that I won’t have to come up with excuses to myself about why I’m not going to church.

Here’s the reason. Flat out there. Not an excuse, a reason. I can’t stand most of the people at my church.

Now, I have a pastor that I love here, and a choir member there, and the guys in the horn section, and their wives…and a couple of the greeters, and the woman that works the information desk, and some people in the congregation that I wave to on occasion…

…and that’s, honestly, about it.

But those people? Those people are AMAZING beyond belief and I will never forget them. Ever. They are going to have places of the highest honor in heaven because they’re that spectacular.

Yet I find the majority so clueless, so obnoxious, and so flat out rude and lazy that I hate that they’re the picture of Jesus to our community.

How can they coexist in the same organization?

It’s sickening sometimes. The place operates haphazardly and foolishly. Too much responsibility is put on too many people, and that resulted in hundreds of thousands of dollars being embezzled by the financial adviser. Then after that, someone thought it was a good idea to put the financial operations in the hands of some 20 year olds.

Like that would ever fly in the real world.

I’m so. so. so. tired of stupid Christians.

So what’s success? Right now, I don’t know. I know that the church doesn’t think I’m a success, and I don’t think it’s a success.

I know that this probably sounds like a whole lot of whining. Yeah, it hurt my feelings that not many people came. But I’m so thankful FOR the people that did come that I don’t want to belittle their importance in any way whatsoever. I wouldn’t trade them for a billion fakes. What really makes me frustrated, though, is the picture that this paints. The picture that is so totally unlike Jesus. To love like Jesus is to be a success. But how do we show it? Church is the last place I’d look right now.

Tags: angry, controversy, learning, uncertainty

I try to have faith, to be strong, to believe it will okay, and to keep pressing on even though I’m miserable and terrified.

Sometimes I can’t.

Sometimes I just cry and cry and cry and cry because I have no hope that things will get easier.

Tags: fear, nightmare, pain, uncertainty

I have a really bad singing voice. It’s nasally and I can’t carry a tune very well, so I don’t sing…unless I’m playing Glee songs in the car. I have to turn the volume up so that the cast drowns me out.

I get really nervous talking in front of people. I get shaky. My pupils constrict, I turn pale and my voice wobbles like I’m getting ready to cry. My throat tightens. My mouth dries. I see people staring at me with blank expressions and I have to fight the urge to run out the door – and I fight it only because I know my legs wouldn’t carry me that far.

So the only voice I have is through writing.

Problem is, I have a need to be brutally honest when I write. I can’t make it nice and fluffy and lovey unless I’m really feeling that way. I’m sarcastic. My verbal filter is riddled with holes. I say things that most Christians are afraid to even think. I write what I feel, which is usually full of pain and confusion.

And then I read the blogs of some AMAZING women. Lindsey Nobles. Bianca Juarez. Anne Jackson. Sarah Markley. Kristin Billerbeck. Fabulous women. Strong women. My role models from afar. I’ve never met them, but I have talked to them all on Twitter, e-mail, or Facebook chat. They all have many reasons to be bitter and question everything they believe, but they get out of bed and fight. Maybe not everyday. But most days. They write about everything, including their struggles, but usually end with a note of hope.

It’s then, that I hate my writing voice more than my singing voice. For a writer, your voice is your self. They can’t be separated. I realize how bitter, how confused, how hopeless I am. How afraid, how insecure. Faithless. Weak. Incapable.

I also realize why THEY are living a much better story than I am. Stories of redemption and passion and overcoming and perseverance and faith. I have no idea how to get my hands on this kind of life.

Yet somehow, their hope is contagious. I want the type of life they lead. I want strength to choke bitterness, courage to overwhelm fear, and love to blast hatred into oblivion. I honestly don’t know if I can ever change. I want to. I hope I can. And for now, I can muster up the willpower to keep trying.

Tags: change, determination, learning, trying, uncertainty

I love roller coasters. I really do. But not in my life. Lately, there have been so many ups and downs and I’m seriously not able to take it anymore. It’s like the Son of Beast. In theory, it should be great. Cleverly designed and looks awesome until you get too close. Then you realize that it is an absolutely terrible experience that attempts to bruise your body and dislodge your brain. Once you’ve removed the loop, it takes away all notoriety and is simply a really awesome looking pile of fail.

Okay, so I got rolling on my metaphor and completely forgot the point of this post. Well, while I’m trying to remember:

Yeah. It’s not as much fun as it looks. Or maybe it’s exactly as much fun as it looks, depending on your view of roller coasters. Really, it’s terrible.

Anyway, so I’m becoming increasingly questioning of religion. I don’t mean that I don’t love Jesus anymore, because I totally do. But it’s so weird because my life has been getting worse seemingly by the day, and I’ve had it pounded into me for my entire life as a Christian that things are going to get better and that God will provide and…..stuff.

But things aren’t getting better, they’re getting worse. I’ve always felt like I’ve enjoyed a special spiritual protection because I loved God and was so aware of His hand in my life, but now I walk around in terror that He’s going to let something bad happen. I hate this feeling. I know that God isn’t like that, but I’ve heard so many times that He is to be my shelter in time of trouble, and I feel like my shelter is leaking. Big time.

I feel like all of that stuff that I was taught by my “branch” of religion worked until it really, really got tested and I got hit with the real world. Now I feel completely unprepared and incapable of handling things, and I’m not really sure what to do or where to turn. Like, I know that God loves me and that He DOES protect me and everything, I’m just wondering how far this whole thing stretches.

I mean, what’s the point?

Why do we believe in Jesus?

I’m not saying this in a bad way, but as a way to return to the truth. Because if He promised that bad times were going to come and that He would always be there, never forsaking us, what’s the point of Him being around if He is capable of helping but doesn’t? Why does it matter if Jesus is here for me? I want Him here with me, but I think it’s mostly out of habit. I’d really like to know what the whole point of it is, because I don’t think I ever really learned it.

Tags: learning, uncertainty

So I’ve mainly used this blog to write about what I’m thinking about. But as part of the challenge that God has given me lately, to do more and live my story, I’ll also include what I’m doing. I started thinking about why I love Kristin Billerbeck’s blog, and it’s not because she just updates with what she thinks about things. I mean, don’t get her started on Jon Gosselin again, but the reason that I keep going back is because I LOVE her personality. She cracks me up, but allows her heartbreak to show when something bad happens in her life. Then she picks herself up again, wrangles her circus of kids into a new house, and plugs through writing three books and makes a video to show her lack of office space and how she has to write in the kitchen and get hit by the fridge door or in the living room with the laundry basket of socks.

Why should anyone care about what I think if they don’t know what I’m going through? I want to know other people’s stories and I want to live my story, but I don’t want to tell anyone because I’m too afraid of being judged or looking foolish.

So I figured I’d take the power away from my fears and just tell you what I’m going through.

I decided that I’m going to try to go to law school.

~pause for dramatic effect~

*takes a sip of tea*

I’m not 100% sold on the idea yet. I keep doing research and looking around for that one detail or event that will make me absolutely not want to go. Slam the door shut in my face, if you will. It hasn’t happened yet, so I’m going forward. I don’t know if this is God’s plan for me yet. This may be my latest harebrained scheme. But I feel like this is something attainable. I can actually do this. Okay, so I think I can. Sort of.

I wasted my time in college because I didn’t have fun. I didn’t have many friends and I just waited for one semester to be over so I could sigh with relief and then dive into the next semester. Upon graduation, I was like, “Now what?” because I never really considered the future. Now that I’ve had time to clear my head, I realized that I want a second chance to have new experiences. I want to move somewhere else and meet new people who haven’t known me previously and who will only judge me on what they see now. I can’t seem to get away from the person I was in the past, even though I’m really different now. People that I went to school with and people at church treat me like I’m nothing because that’s what I thought of myself before.

Not anymore.

So I’m trying. I have to take the LSAT, get a good score, apply for schools and then get accepted. There’s only one law school in my state and I am not going there. I’m not even applying. Then I have to find a way to pay for it, which will be the biggest obstacle. Yet God provided a way for me to get two BAs without paying a cent or taking out any loans, and I’m pretty sure that His pockets are deep enough for law school too. I mean, someone with pearly gates and streets of gold should be able to spare a bit for me.

So there’s where my faith is right now. I believe that if God wants me to go, then He will make all of the steps go smoothly. I’ll get a good score, get into the right school, find financial aid, move into a good place, love the town and make great friends. And ultimately, do really well in school and get a great job.

I’m not settling for less. If I do this thing, I’m doing it right. I’m determined.

And if none of those things happen? I’ll do something even more awesome.

Tags: excitement, learning, risk, uncertainty

As previously discussed, I love stories. Leaping into another life, figuring out the aspects of the characters and how their decisions drive the plot forward, experiencing the adventures and changes- it’s so much fun for me. That’s why I like TV shows better than movies. They continue longer, allow for more twists, more insight into the characters. I don’t understand why more people aren’t riveted to shows, but it seems as if movies are less daunting of a commitment. Books are the same way, and require even more work on the part of the audience. The characters are described, but the actions must be imagined. I can imagine them very well.

In the past few weeks it has become glaringly obvious that since I’ve been so immersed in the stories of others, I’ve forgotten the most important story. My own. There’s no adventure, no romance, no dreams or goals or even the slightest hint of an impetus. If I were a book, I’d throw myself across the room. I’m not interesting anymore. I accomplished my goal of making it out of college in one piece and now I have nothing to do.

I’ve been known to cook up some harebrained schemes in my time, but most never even took the first step toward becoming reality. Probably a good thing, because who knows where some of those would have landed me. A few things have popped into my head lately, and I realize that right now, I control the story. Will I be the girl from the small town who runs off to the city to have an adventure, or stays in the town to try to make it become important? Will I put a career first or become a housewife (or a trophy wife, haha)? Will I become a hermit and pen weighty tomes that will never see the light of day, or gain inspiration from others and write to inspire? Right now, I have absolutely no idea what will happen or what I will do, but I know that I want whatever I put effort into to be significant.

I know that the only significance that really matters can be achieved only through doing what God has willed. However, it’s sometimes completely impossible to hear His voice amidst all of the noise coming from everyone else. I wish I could close my eyes and see the path He would first choose for me, but I feel like I have absolutely no way of discerning His voice from my desires. And I’ve followed what were simply my desires for long enough to know that they don’t look so awesome once they’re right there in your hands. It’s easier to see the blemishes up close.The

Tags: uncertainty