Law School Reasoning Fail.

I thought that after starting school with so many lectures and reading assignments that I’d be loathe to hear one more lecture in the form of a sermon.

I was so wrong.

I still love hearing a good sermon and the intelligence of my professors has only made me desire more intelligence in preachers. I was listening to Bill Johnson of Bethel Church yesterday and was so totally struck by something he said. In Christianity, the way we should study is by looking at perfection and what’s right. We learn a standard by seeing the way that Jesus operates. Then, when we encounter something in the world that goes against what Jesus says or does, we can immediately identify it as wrong. We might not know exactly why it’s wrong, but our instincts realize even before reasoning can kick in.

In class today, I learned that in many of the cases that we’ll run over in our casebooks are put there because they’re wrong, not because they’re right. In almost all of them, the court system did something totally stupid or made up the law and someone else came along and called them out on it. My professor likened it to med students studying sick people, not people that are well.

I get what she’s saying. But really, we have to have a standard of what’s right to even know what’s wrong. In medicine, students already know from personal experience how the body is supposed to operate. In law, it’s often common sense (or you could argue that it’s not, because there are a ton of stupid lawyers and judges out there…and I was the one worried about making it through school!). We are pretty conditioned or made to know what those standards of operation are.

Yet in life, just trying to discern right from wrong, we’re automatically coded to do what’s wrong. We’re imperfect and soiled. We make bad decisions, hurt other people, and generally screw up. Most of the people that I know even do it in the name of religion or holiness, and it’s still wrong.

Christians aren’t perfect. Far from it, and most of us know it. The ones that act like they don’t are the ones most terrified by it. It goes against our other systems because humans naturally feel like we should know the standard of correctness and perfection. We totally don’t. Christians have accepted it, inherited it as a gift from Jesus – but it takes us more than a lifetime to actually learn that standard. We’ll never get it right, but that’s not an excuse to stop trying.

If I learn, little by little, what’s perfect and right and meant for me, I’ll recognize what’s not and stay away from it. Who better to learn from than Jesus?

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The Story Continues

I’m trying to do torts reading, but we had pages 9-24 and I just can’t seem to make myself concentrate for that long. Ergo, bloggity blog!

I discovered something interesting today in my first day of class.

I’ve been so passionate about the concept of story on here – how we all have one and each day and action is an important part of it. Yet for the past several months I had kind of forgotten about how important my story was. I mean, I hated my job, and then after I quit I just sat around watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I don’t see Joss Whedon as a waste of time, like, ever, but I wasn’t really being that useful during that time.

(Incidentally, I’m pretty sure I learned more about the art of telling a story by watching Buffy than any other source. Seriously, it’s fantastic.)

I wasn’t really living my story. Although a few times I had dreams that I was living Buffy’s. It seemed that I couldn’t really find a balance between enjoying the art of other stories (of fictional or real characters) and living out my own. I thought that as soon as law school started, I’d be so busy living my story that I wouldn’t have time to enjoy anyone else’s.

After reading my first few cases, I realized that they’re just stories.

It all relates. We can’t get away from story.

Overall, it just proves to me that God really does know what He is doing.

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2 > 1

Day 2 of orientation went much better. It seemed like people were looser, more relaxed. Then we all hung out at night and I think getting out of the law school and getting dressed up helped quite a bit. I talked with Megan, a girl in my orientation group, for a couple of hours. She’s sweet and I think we mesh pretty well, plus we have all of our classes together! I also approached a few girls I hadn’t seen before and introduced myself. They were really welcoming and nice and we talked easily for about half an hour. It was a relief to find people that would actually hold a conversation.

Since I’m mostly an introvert, though, it was really nice to hang out by myself today. I got a manicure and pedicure at Ziyan, a fantastic spa, and I will be back! The girl that did my toes was young and sweet and primarily a hair stylist. I think I’d trust her to cut my hair, which is a big deal, so I might try going to her in a couple of months.

I did the reading for my torts and civ pro classes. It was dense, but not too much so, and I felt like I went through it okay. I briefed one case and haven’t really taken notes yet, but it’s difficult because I don’t yet know what the professors are looking for. I suppose I’ll find out soon enough.

I want to find more things to decorate my place, but I’m afraid to spend too much. I’ll probably wait until next semester to buy more- but I can definitely see myself staying in this apartment all three years of school, so I shouldn’t really be in a hurry. I feel so blessed to have found such a great place. It’s literally 10 minutes away from everything.

My blogs will become more riveting, I promise.

(Don’t hold your breath.)

;)

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The First Day Didn’t Kill Me.

First day of orientation was today. Orientations are never usually that exciting, but I was looking forward to actually getting into the environment. Unfortunately, it was a bit ho hum. I mean, they tell you what to expect but you don’t really get it until you can experience it yourself. So it felt like a lot of yakking about stuff I don’t quite understand. I’ve already been assigned a metric crapton of reading, but I can’t really do it yet until after we’re taught how to brief a case tomorrow. So, like any good nerd, I just watched more Buffy tonight.

I’m a little bummed because I didn’t meet anyone in my class that I really clicked with. I talked to a couple nice girls, but it wasn’t like we just totally hit it off. I’m inclined to think that people might have just been a little reserved since it’s the first day. I was so sleepy this morning that I couldn’t really come up with conversation either, so that didn’t help. I totally did the whole dozing-off-until-your-head-bobs-and-you-wake-up thing in one session. I’m off to a great start, eh? ;)

Tomorrow is a new day, though, and I don’t have to be there quite so early. That helps. Plus we only have stuff to do until noon, and then we go to lunch with our groups so that should be fun. Then there’s a party tomorrow night and I’m getting a mani/pedi on Sunday. I seriously cannot believe I just typed mani/pedi.

I want to look for a church, but I’ve heard that it’s pretty near impossible to find a church with decent music here and that’s my favorite part! I’ve been ruined by my church’s band and choir, I think. It’s so weird to be in a group of people knowing that if I talk about my faith most people won’t have the foggiest idea of what it means. What it really means, not just what they think it means. I feel somewhat thrown off my game.

A phone call from my best friend helped though. And my shoes and necklaces and scarves are all arranged in my new closet, my picture is hung above my wall and my couch will be delivered on Tuesday.

It’s coming together. I’m going to survive. I just really want to make some friends and find where I fit in.

I’m totally saving Burn Notice and Royal Pains on my DVR for Sunday afternoon.

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The Biggest Thing I’ve Ever Done.

I’m here. I’m in my new place, in a new town, and I have my new student ID for the University of Kentucky. I’m going to law school orientation tomorrow. It feels surreal. If you’d told me two years ago that this was my path, I’d have been completely stumped.

I’m exhausted from all of the running around I’ve been doing, but I’m satisfied, too. I’m still finding my way around, but it was so fun last night to realize that even though the mall closed in 25 minutes I still had time to go to Macy’s to get a Lush bath bomb and try one for the first time. Best bath ever. It’s great to be the only person needing the bathroom, have it completely quiet when I want and no one telling me that I should be cleaning when I really need a nap.

I met my 2L mentor this morning and we went to get my student ID. She treated me to Starbucks not even knowing that it was the way to my heart. She’s bubbly and gladly answered my questions and gave me tips and I had a great time. Then I met a girl that I’ve been messaging with on Facebook and we went to lunch. She showed me some roads that I didn’t know about and we went driving around for a while. It’s so great to know someone that will be going through exactly what I’ll experience.

I’m surprised by how normal all of the unfamiliarity is. When I was in my undergrad writing classes, it took me a while to create smooth transitions. Professors always said that I jumped too abruptly from one idea to the next and it upset the flow of my work. At first I honestly had no idea what a transition really was.

Such an ironic parallel for my life. I spent so much time jumping from one emotion to another when I hit some sort of obstacle or major change. I couldn’t function if hit with a surprise and any sort of shift made me panic.

I learned how to write a transition. I even learned how to connect several ideas into one theme in larger works. It was my own literary triumph. This transition from living at home to moving somewhere unfamiliar is a transition of personal triumph. I’m so relieved that I’ve survived to this point and I’m building up courage for the rest of it. I’ve had so many overwhelming feelings of rightness about all of this. It feels like a normal part of life.

I’ll try to hold onto this feeling as I start my classes ;)

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What The Heck Am I Doing?

I’m moving to Lexington in 2 days. I have orientation on Friday and classes start next Tuesday.

Nearing freak out mode here.

And…we’ve arrived.

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Babies or the Bar Exam

Whenever I get close to a big event, even something I had been excitedly anticipating, I try to backpedal. Even as a child, the night before one of our epic family vacations to Hilton Head, I’d grow anxious and try to think of a way to stay home without causing a fuss. Of course, I always went and had a blast. But it never fails that I have some sort of mental freak out before I go somewhere.

Moving away to go to law school is the biggest thing I’ve ever done.

I know it’s right. I know God has totally paved the way and I am super blessed and receiving favor with every step.

But, of course, I’m totally freaking out and mourning all of the dreams that didn’t come to pass before this one. I mean, why does THIS dream have to happen? The lonely one with lots of work and no one to spoon with at night?

God, are You trying to torture me here?!

I want kids. Most of my friends don’t want kids ever and if they do, they want them way down the line. I have always wanted to have a family while I’m young. I want to have my kids while there’s still a chance of losing the baby weight and I have enough energy to chase them around. I want a couple of years to enjoy with my husband before I have kids and then I wanted to start popping them out or at least conceiving around 25.

Instead of a family, I’ll get the bar exam.

Sometimes it all just feels like a cruel joke. I know feminists would totally be kicking me right now and I know that most of my friends would think this sounds absolutely ridiculous. Yet all I can see is 3 years of hard work and little reward followed by studying for a test that I may or may not pass followed by years of grunt work in a demanding and competitive profession while being $90,000 in debt.

Brb *falls on sword*

I know that there’s a reason I’m not able to have my family now. I know God is not trying to torture me by having me as a bridesmaid in 2 weddings in less than 6 months while it feels like my own serious relationship leading to marriage is going to be here right around the time my spaceship lands in the yard. I know it’s stupid to be whining about this while I’m 22 and anything could happen and law school is a great opportunity. I am. I know. It is.

The fact remains: I want a family. I want to have kids. And I don’t want to have to wait a decade for them.

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Funny Girl.

I like being funny. I like making people laugh. When I write wrote on my novel months ago before I started working at Amazon and my creativity was completely sucked away by pain and misery, I made myself laugh as my hapless character walked the fine line between tragedy and comedy. You wouldn’t know it to read my blog, would you? For some reason, whenever I start writing here, it’s just too blasted honest to be funny.

I’m sorry about that. I really, really wish I could just make you laugh.

The truth is,  I’m moving into my new apartment a week from today and I start law school in less than a month. I’m slightly more than terrified. You know how your mouth kind of waters before you throw up? Yeah. It’s been doing that since I got up today, and it’s just because I started poking around the school’s website and staring at my schedule. Nerves of jelly.

To top it off, my car has been breaking down. We paid $237 for a new alternator and then my car was still dead when I tried to leave my best friend’s house last night. Now it’s apparently the fuse box. Hello? I needed that money for furniture! How am I supposed to eat without a kitchen table OR a coffee table? Eep. I’m stressed and I can’t even drive to Starbucks!

Headdesk.

All I wanted was to write and make people laugh.

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Joy (3)

So…this whole “love” thing isn’t working out so well. And I was getting really hard on myself, until I realized that I was trying to do the hardest thing of all- love people and situations and circumstances that I didn’t like. So I decided to take baby steps and start with good things. Then, suddenly, two good- no, great! things happened.

My best friend asked me to be a bridesmaid.

It was so sweet- she asked me and another friend to come to Starbucks as usual. I didn’t think anything of it because it’s such a tradition now. After we got tea and got settled, she handed us little envelopes and asked us to open them up at the same time. She had printed our names on cards with a cute design, and when we opened them we saw simply, “Be my bridesmaid?” in large letters on the inside.

I’m sure you can imagine the following scene. Squealing, excitement, OMG!, giggles, etc. She pointed out to us a couple minutes later that we hadn’t officially answered.

I felt loved. Although some girls my age are old hats at this sort of thing, I’ve never been a bridesmaid. I would have understood if she had a small ceremony and only had her sister as maid of honor. I would have been by her through everything. But to have her pick me was wonderful. To be invited into the inner circle to enjoy this time with her and to have everyone know that our years of building a friendship has culminated in me being right there on her special day to make it as amazing as possible was such an honor. I feel like she’s a sister and I love her and it still makes me a bit teary to think that she loves me too.

Then…

I received my first law school acceptance.

I can’t describe my relief. You can pray and say that you believe all you want, but there’s just something about that finality of knowing that it’s going the way you want. Of course, this is just one step in the line of things that has to go my way before, well, I die, but at least this door wasn’t shut. Just the opposite. I can move forward and push through the next level, down the next passageway and fight the next dragon.

In some ways, both of these instances will make life harder. My best friend will have less time for me. Law school will be tough and involve a million different situations working out just right to even get me there. The next year will be so full of trusting and patience and determination.

Here is where I can try something new or choose my usual option.

I’d usually try to find some way to dampen my joy. Think of something negative that’s completely unrelated, find out something that could throw the whole process into turmoil, or just generally be afraid of the future.

Or…I could just be happy and celebrate and rejoice because, it’s easier to do so when you have a specific reason. If I learn now, it will be even easier to continue the rejoicing even when I can’t remember why I’m doing it. I’m going to try to translate this into love, too. I can’t force myself to love people or circumstances that are making me miserable right off the bat. I’m going to focus on how much I love the ones who make it easy and remember why it’s good to have people around me.

We’ll work on the rest later.

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Too Personal.

When you apply to law school, you have to write a personal statement. It’s the one part of the application where I have the most control. It will allow the committee to have a peek inside of my life and see what’s motivating me to go to school. You’d think this would be the thing I’d nail, considering that all of my blogs are about my favorite topic- me.

Instead, I’m finding it incredibly challenging. When I write here, I try to include more than a hint of self-deprecation because I know how ridiculous I am most of the time, even in my earnestness. Yet when I’m writing this statement, my earnestness is completely sincere. It’s kind of terrifying. I haven’t cared about something this much since…well, we all know how that turned out.

These feelings are so weird. I don’t know how to process them seriously right now. I don’t know when I began downplaying my passions but now it’s like I’ve become the person I scorned. Someone who didn’t care enough about anything to really pursue it.

I miss writing, I miss God, I miss reading, I miss spending time by myself just being in complete silence and completely content with that. I could be doing any of those things seriously right now, but I’m laying here with a headache, a slightly sore throat, tense muscles knotted in my neck and not enough energy to think about anything beyond, “Ow.”

And, of course, this intense desire for something more that I can’t seem to put into words…but I have to.

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