Feet On the Ground

Today is Father’s Day.

Usually a day that I spend in bitterness and self pity. For the first time in probably, well, ever, I’m totally thankful for what I have rather than focusing on what I missed. I’ve been realizing lately how much God has restored to me or blessed me with that totally makes up for what I might have lacked in the past. And it has turned out to be a very busy celebration for me, and I said Happy Father’s Day!!!! to all of the following with unaffected gusto and sincere love:

Papaw has been coming to church for the past several weeks and today was no exception. After the praise and worship, I took him to breakfast.

I texted a very dear friend who has played somewhat of a strange father/uncle role in my life for the past year and whose guidance I now find a completely vital part of my life (even though I often ignore it).

Although I hug almost everyone, I don’t have a hugging relationship with the band leader at church. No idea why, it just never happened. I think it’s because he’s too hyper. Anyway, we have joked for the past couple of years that I’m his stepdaughter because I get slightly adopted when we go on choir trips. So I gave him a giant squeeze today when he least expected it.

I called my uncle who has been around though my entire life, stood by me through everything, and showed me no less love than he bestowed on his own daughters.

I took my stepdad to the movies today. Just us. Might seem small to some, but that’s his favorite thing to do and we don’t get out to do stuff alone very often. We had a blast.

But most importantly, I totally rocked out at church this morning and praised harder than I have in months to let my ultimate Father know how much I truly treasure Him.

I. love. my. fathers.

Happy Father’s Day to all of the awesome dads out there who truly love people- even those that aren’t their own children.

Also, an extremely happy birthday to my beautiful state of West Virginia. Yes, it is a state of its own and has been for 147 years. It’s my beloved home. We have country people, DELICIOUS food (Jamie Oliver sucks!), a really cool bridge, beautiful sights, poor towns, curvy roads, snowy peaks, couch burning Satanists, legal snake handling, coal, too many rednecked Democrats, knights and ladies, bad cell service due to mountains, close families and bad grammar. We endure the bad because there’s so much good and know that even though we get horrible media portrayal, we’re diamonds amidst all that coal dust (which keeps your lights on).

Thanks, WV, for treating me well. I’m proud to be a part of you, even though I’m hopping the state line for law school! Couldn’t make myself go to Morganhole. Sry. Wubs?

Tags: father

I’m really struggling.

I’ll just be flat out honest about it, right here on my blog, because most people who have one conversation with me can probably see it anyway. I’m really, really, REALLY bitter and miserable right now. About many things. But there is one thing that keeps coming up, stronger and bigger each time, and I have to confront this before it kills any will that I have to overcome it. I know that saying that I struggle with this is showing that I’m weak, and that I’m no better than what I hate. I know it’s irrational. That there are exceptions, and that what I see may not even be the norm.

Regardless of that…I hate men.

I know that my mom will read this and get frown lines in her forehead at the word hate, and that there are some men that I actually love that will read this and be offended, and I don’t mean to hurt anyone else. I’ve been hurt by countless people, but it’s about a million times worse when a man does something to hurt me. I was hurt when my father left, and when my grandfather was silent, and when the man that I fell in love with refused to be seen in public with me.

All men have done is hurt me with their cowardice.

I think feminism is ridiculous, but I see why it was born. Because men refused to be disciplined and to lead. They want the perks of leadership, and in Christian settings will twist the word of God so that they will have authority. But they won’t do anything to actually deserve that role or those perks, and so women have had to suffer and do their own work plus take on the role of a man. I watched my mother work herself into the ground for years because my father is a spineless idiot.

Men should not abuse their authority. But they should stand up and be leaders. God has placed a role inside of every man to be a leader, even if it’s in his own household- which is one of the most important responsibilities a man can be given. Men are just so darn weak. They think that watching sports and working out and drinking beer and cursing and driving fast makes them strong, but it doesn’t. They think that talking about emotions makes them weak, but a man who can realize that he loves a woman and desires to unite with her, to protect and provide for her, to be a warrior for her and to build a home for his children and stick with them because he loves them is among the strongest men that have ever existed.

I’m bitter toward men because I want to do things the proper way. I want to have a good life and be strong and pull my weight and do what I’m called to do and all of that stuff that sounds really, really good. Not just in a romantic setting, but also in friendships and in my church and in my family. But I haven’t been able to find men that are willing to step up and pull their weight. A few try and do a decent job at it, but I can’t help but think about how much better the body of Christ would be if men stepped up and did what they should do and weren’t afraid to risk failure, fail, get back up and identify what they did wrong. If they are strong enough to risk failure, many times they’re not strong enough to admit it when they do fail. And nothing is gained.

I want to be in love and in a great relationship. I want to work hard at it and find someone who will match my determination step for step and lead me when I falter and support me when I’m afraid. I want to learn what it means to support a man and help him to be strong. I want to do it the right way. I want my church to be great and to be packed every service because they’re receiving something great from the leadership- from the pulpit. I want to support the leaders by connecting with people in a way that the pastors can’t. But I can’t do either of these things alone. I can’t do them at all, because there’s no one to lead.

I refuse to follow an idiot down the wrong path.

I’m trying to let God strengthen me through this, and to learn as much as He wants to teach me so it won’t feel like this time is being wasted. It’s so painful that I can’t approach the issue without wanting to rip my heart out. I had to stop halfway through To Own a Dragon by Don Miller because it was so true to the situation and I was in agony the entire time I was reading it. I don’t know how to make it better or overcome this or get rid of this bitterness and hate. I know that holding onto these toxic feelings will poison me, but I haven’t been able to let go and to forgive and to let it all be better.

I really wish God was available for hugs, but I feel like He got so tired of me that He left, too. Maybe it really is my fault.

Tags: father, men, pain, romance