Feet On the Ground

The guy that broke my heart got married on Saturday.

I thought I’d be slightly more than devastated.

But proving His majesty and ability to create a happy ending even for the broken, God has allowed me to feel…

Freedom.

For the first time in months years, I feel completely free from all of those ties. I feel as if I could fly, do backflips down the street and let loose on a crazy Pentecostal hallelujah dance.

He moved on with life. I actually felt a smidgen glad for them and that they’re happy together at present (even though he’s gotten far less attractive and well, she always was and they’ll probably get divorced because he’s selfish and doesn’t love Jesus). I realize how much better off I am now. Even though there are still hurts and regrets, those aren’t as specific to him anymore. It reflects upon where I was emotionally and how much hurt had built hurt over the years.

I’m moving on too.

Tags: change, excitement, heartbreak, love, nightmare, pain, peace, romance

So…this whole “love” thing isn’t working out so well. And I was getting really hard on myself, until I realized that I was trying to do the hardest thing of all- love people and situations and circumstances that I didn’t like. So I decided to take baby steps and start with good things. Then, suddenly, two good- no, great! things happened.

My best friend asked me to be a bridesmaid.

It was so sweet- she asked me and another friend to come to Starbucks as usual. I didn’t think anything of it because it’s such a tradition now. After we got tea and got settled, she handed us little envelopes and asked us to open them up at the same time. She had printed our names on cards with a cute design, and when we opened them we saw simply, “Be my bridesmaid?” in large letters on the inside.

I’m sure you can imagine the following scene. Squealing, excitement, OMG!, giggles, etc. She pointed out to us a couple minutes later that we hadn’t officially answered.

I felt loved. Although some girls my age are old hats at this sort of thing, I’ve never been a bridesmaid. I would have understood if she had a small ceremony and only had her sister as maid of honor. I would have been by her through everything. But to have her pick me was wonderful. To be invited into the inner circle to enjoy this time with her and to have everyone know that our years of building a friendship has culminated in me being right there on her special day to make it as amazing as possible was such an honor. I feel like she’s a sister and I love her and it still makes me a bit teary to think that she loves me too.

Then…

I received my first law school acceptance.

I can’t describe my relief. You can pray and say that you believe all you want, but there’s just something about that finality of knowing that it’s going the way you want. Of course, this is just one step in the line of things that has to go my way before, well, I die, but at least this door wasn’t shut. Just the opposite. I can move forward and push through the next level, down the next passageway and fight the next dragon.

In some ways, both of these instances will make life harder. My best friend will have less time for me. Law school will be tough and involve a million different situations working out just right to even get me there. The next year will be so full of trusting and patience and determination.

Here is where I can try something new or choose my usual option.

I’d usually try to find some way to dampen my joy. Think of something negative that’s completely unrelated, find out something that could throw the whole process into turmoil, or just generally be afraid of the future.

Or…I could just be happy and celebrate and rejoice because, it’s easier to do so when you have a specific reason. If I learn now, it will be even easier to continue the rejoicing even when I can’t remember why I’m doing it. I’m going to try to translate this into love, too. I can’t force myself to love people or circumstances that are making me miserable right off the bat. I’m going to focus on how much I love the ones who make it easy and remember why it’s good to have people around me.

We’ll work on the rest later.

Tags: excitement, law school, love, risk

I opened up a document and wrote for the first time in about 2 months.

It’s just a page.

It’s probably a really bad page.

But I wrote it. My words, my thoughts, my feelings. My soul is poured out on that page, and in doing it I feel more alive than I have in weeks. I don’t know what it is about letting the words seep through my fingertips and onto the keyboard, but it unlocks a spring of vigor inside of my heart. It’s completely ridiculous, but I almost feel like I could fly.

Absolutely nothing has changed about my life, circumstances, or self since I wrote that page, but I feel like a whole new person with a completely new existence.

Something about this is powerful, and I’m meant to do this. I don’t know how it will be used, but I have been created to create.

Tags: excitement

All my life, I’ve heard about following Jesus. That we should follow in His footsteps until, of course, we can’t take it anymore and we see one set of footprints in the sand because He’s carrying us through our troubles. It’s a bunch of stuff that sounds good, but when you really put it into practice it’s completely exhausting. Following behind someone constantly means that you are limited to doing exactly what they do and going exactly where they are going. You remain chained and shackled, unable to exercise your will and follow your desires because you are kept in a certain place.

Zechariah 12 talks about the day where God will bring salvation, and how the feeblest among people will be like David, and that the glory of them will not surpass that of Judah. The weakest among us? Like David. The greatest? Like Jesus. There is a theme arising now in the Christian world to find out who Jesus is and how to be like Him. I always likened myself to being like David, even before I knew the significance of it. But with David, a man who was after God’s heart, always got in his own way. He accomplished great things but could have done more. Jesus, though…nothing got in His way. He wasn’t a man striving after God’s heart- He actually had God’s heart.

To simply follow Christ requires me to climb up on that cross and suffer. And that’s something I cannot and will never do. As long as I am trying to keep myself in a position of following, I will be requiring of myself something entirely different than He requires of me. It is finished means that He has completed the work, not that I have to help Him. When this is realized, I am free. Free to be like Jesus. Not just to follow Him. I am elevated to a status that is absolutely unlimited. It requires me to live in the tension of never being able to be as holy as He is while being granted an unlimited supply of holiness and righteousness through His grace.

It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

But it is completely necessary. If I do not set my sights on becoming like Jesus, I will constantly get in my own way. My flesh will continually rise up to render me powerless. I’ve reached the point where I can rebuke the devil with the best of them, but it doesn’t matter if I don’t realize the power that has been given to me and exercise my rights as a daughter of God.

It makes the whole process so much more exciting. A wild, intimidating, breathtaking adventure. Just like that, by changing my worldview from “Christ follower” to “someone who is like Jesus,” I have been released into a new way of living that is really what He meant when He came here in the first place.

Tags: change, excitement, learning

Today has been so weird. I’ve had a great day but also a big internal struggle as I seriously feel the devil trying to make me miserable over this situation. Even though I’m still partially in denial, it has been long enough that I have to accept that it is happening, that I can’t stop it, and that I don’t necessarily want to stop it but that I just need something good to happen to me.

I’m not sure if I’ll honestly ever believe that we weren’t meant to be together. Because I feel like we were. And some days, like today, it’s almost as if I feel like the spirit realm is absolutely furious on my behalf. I was listening to David Crowder Band’s song “The Nearness” today, and this is the part that always sticks out:

We can feel the breath of the angels
See the walls bend and shake
The skies in a tremble
Feel the ground break

We hear the songs of the heavens
See the world come awake
The bonds start to loose so
Feel the earth shake

I totally connect with this because this is what I’m experiencing right now. Also, pretty heavy stuff for a Baptist! You go, Crowder! (Heh.) Anyway. Sometimes I just feel that there is something stirring, and that all of the power of the heavens is barely being held at bay by God, who is running His finger over the trigger that would let it all break loose. The reason that I haven’t tried to defend myself against this onslaught of pain is because I know that I have the power of heaven and Earth on my side, and that the God of creation is just waiting for the right moment to do something huge.

I would absolutely love to see what the angels are doing around me right now. It feels like they’re sparring with one another and training with their swords to prepare for a big battle. When it happens, the earth will shake and the skies will tremble and I am so not envious of the person who wronged me. God does not like it when you mess with His children, and this is going to be far more serious than a redneck papa coming outside with a loaded shotgun (this picture is not dead for West Virginians).

Seriously. Something is coming. I don’t know what’s happening or going to happen, but when it does I have proof that I predicted it.

Tags: anticipation, change, excitement

So I’ve mainly used this blog to write about what I’m thinking about. But as part of the challenge that God has given me lately, to do more and live my story, I’ll also include what I’m doing. I started thinking about why I love Kristin Billerbeck’s blog, and it’s not because she just updates with what she thinks about things. I mean, don’t get her started on Jon Gosselin again, but the reason that I keep going back is because I LOVE her personality. She cracks me up, but allows her heartbreak to show when something bad happens in her life. Then she picks herself up again, wrangles her circus of kids into a new house, and plugs through writing three books and makes a video to show her lack of office space and how she has to write in the kitchen and get hit by the fridge door or in the living room with the laundry basket of socks.

Why should anyone care about what I think if they don’t know what I’m going through? I want to know other people’s stories and I want to live my story, but I don’t want to tell anyone because I’m too afraid of being judged or looking foolish.

So I figured I’d take the power away from my fears and just tell you what I’m going through.

I decided that I’m going to try to go to law school.

~pause for dramatic effect~

*takes a sip of tea*

I’m not 100% sold on the idea yet. I keep doing research and looking around for that one detail or event that will make me absolutely not want to go. Slam the door shut in my face, if you will. It hasn’t happened yet, so I’m going forward. I don’t know if this is God’s plan for me yet. This may be my latest harebrained scheme. But I feel like this is something attainable. I can actually do this. Okay, so I think I can. Sort of.

I wasted my time in college because I didn’t have fun. I didn’t have many friends and I just waited for one semester to be over so I could sigh with relief and then dive into the next semester. Upon graduation, I was like, “Now what?” because I never really considered the future. Now that I’ve had time to clear my head, I realized that I want a second chance to have new experiences. I want to move somewhere else and meet new people who haven’t known me previously and who will only judge me on what they see now. I can’t seem to get away from the person I was in the past, even though I’m really different now. People that I went to school with and people at church treat me like I’m nothing because that’s what I thought of myself before.

Not anymore.

So I’m trying. I have to take the LSAT, get a good score, apply for schools and then get accepted. There’s only one law school in my state and I am not going there. I’m not even applying. Then I have to find a way to pay for it, which will be the biggest obstacle. Yet God provided a way for me to get two BAs without paying a cent or taking out any loans, and I’m pretty sure that His pockets are deep enough for law school too. I mean, someone with pearly gates and streets of gold should be able to spare a bit for me.

So there’s where my faith is right now. I believe that if God wants me to go, then He will make all of the steps go smoothly. I’ll get a good score, get into the right school, find financial aid, move into a good place, love the town and make great friends. And ultimately, do really well in school and get a great job.

I’m not settling for less. If I do this thing, I’m doing it right. I’m determined.

And if none of those things happen? I’ll do something even more awesome.

Tags: excitement, learning, risk, uncertainty