Feet On the Ground

I thought that after starting school with so many lectures and reading assignments that I’d be loathe to hear one more lecture in the form of a sermon.

I was so wrong.

I still love hearing a good sermon and the intelligence of my professors has only made me desire more intelligence in preachers. I was listening to Bill Johnson of Bethel Church yesterday and was so totally struck by something he said. In Christianity, the way we should study is by looking at perfection and what’s right. We learn a standard by seeing the way that Jesus operates. Then, when we encounter something in the world that goes against what Jesus says or does, we can immediately identify it as wrong. We might not know exactly why it’s wrong, but our instincts realize even before reasoning can kick in.

In class today, I learned that in many of the cases that we’ll run over in our casebooks are put there because they’re wrong, not because they’re right. In almost all of them, the court system did something totally stupid or made up the law and someone else came along and called them out on it. My professor likened it to med students studying sick people, not people that are well.

I get what she’s saying. But really, we have to have a standard of what’s right to even know what’s wrong. In medicine, students already know from personal experience how the body is supposed to operate. In law, it’s often common sense (or you could argue that it’s not, because there are a ton of stupid lawyers and judges out there…and I was the one worried about making it through school!). We are pretty conditioned or made to know what those standards of operation are.

Yet in life, just trying to discern right from wrong, we’re automatically coded to do what’s wrong. We’re imperfect and soiled. We make bad decisions, hurt other people, and generally screw up. Most of the people that I know even do it in the name of religion or holiness, and it’s still wrong.

Christians aren’t perfect. Far from it, and most of us know it. The ones that act like they don’t are the ones most terrified by it. It goes against our other systems because humans naturally feel like we should know the standard of correctness and perfection. We totally don’t. Christians have accepted it, inherited it as a gift from Jesus – but it takes us more than a lifetime to actually learn that standard. We’ll never get it right, but that’s not an excuse to stop trying.

If I learn, little by little, what’s perfect and right and meant for me, I’ll recognize what’s not and stay away from it. Who better to learn from than Jesus?

Tags: determination, law school, learning

I have a really bad singing voice. It’s nasally and I can’t carry a tune very well, so I don’t sing…unless I’m playing Glee songs in the car. I have to turn the volume up so that the cast drowns me out.

I get really nervous talking in front of people. I get shaky. My pupils constrict, I turn pale and my voice wobbles like I’m getting ready to cry. My throat tightens. My mouth dries. I see people staring at me with blank expressions and I have to fight the urge to run out the door – and I fight it only because I know my legs wouldn’t carry me that far.

So the only voice I have is through writing.

Problem is, I have a need to be brutally honest when I write. I can’t make it nice and fluffy and lovey unless I’m really feeling that way. I’m sarcastic. My verbal filter is riddled with holes. I say things that most Christians are afraid to even think. I write what I feel, which is usually full of pain and confusion.

And then I read the blogs of some AMAZING women. Lindsey Nobles. Bianca Juarez. Anne Jackson. Sarah Markley. Kristin Billerbeck. Fabulous women. Strong women. My role models from afar. I’ve never met them, but I have talked to them all on Twitter, e-mail, or Facebook chat. They all have many reasons to be bitter and question everything they believe, but they get out of bed and fight. Maybe not everyday. But most days. They write about everything, including their struggles, but usually end with a note of hope.

It’s then, that I hate my writing voice more than my singing voice. For a writer, your voice is your self. They can’t be separated. I realize how bitter, how confused, how hopeless I am. How afraid, how insecure. Faithless. Weak. Incapable.

I also realize why THEY are living a much better story than I am. Stories of redemption and passion and overcoming and perseverance and faith. I have no idea how to get my hands on this kind of life.

Yet somehow, their hope is contagious. I want the type of life they lead. I want strength to choke bitterness, courage to overwhelm fear, and love to blast hatred into oblivion. I honestly don’t know if I can ever change. I want to. I hope I can. And for now, I can muster up the willpower to keep trying.

Tags: change, determination, learning, trying, uncertainty

I didn’t know what the “terrible twos” were until I met Heidi. She hit two and the cute little girl turned into a nightmare. She would throw tantrums for no reason, hit people, throw things, lie, stomp, whine and complain. It was such a stark contrast to her surroundings- living in a family who explodes with love, would take on the world for her and parents who spoiled her with anything she could ever want. Not getting her way was usually nothing more than getting the wrong flavor of popsicle.

I was SO excited when that little girl was born. But when she hit that pattern of behavior, I stopped trying to play with her. Usually never even talked to her because she would say something nasty. If she ever came up to say hi or give me a hug, it was like the earth stood still for a moment awaiting the four horsemen. I still loved her, but it was from a distance.

And then, somehow, I ended up playing basketball (badly) outside with my cousins. It was warm (as in, not freezing) and we were excited to be able to run around outdoors. A couple of them left and a couple went inside, including Bella, Heidi’s older sister. Thinking Heidi would want to go in as well to watch a movie with Bella, I prepared to follow them in. But the stubborn little stinker refused. When she was told that everyone was going inside, she pointed to me and said, “I want to stay out and play with Kay Kay.”

Erm, srsly? I warily agreed.

As things usually happen, it was the best time I have ever spent playing with her.

I held her up to dunk the ball. I chased her around. We kicked the ball back and forth and then threw it to one another. She demanded that I put down the second ball because she wanted us to share. She said hilarious things that had me in stitches. She wanted to see my car and climbed in the seat and honked the horn. She told me funny stories. She went inside to use the bathroom and dragged me back out to play again in the dark. She talked to the neighbors. She held my hand. When we were finished she told everyone what a great time we had, and when she left a little while later, she thanked me for playing with her and told me she loved me.

Just like that, the terrible twos were erased. She became a beautiful, lovable, loving little girl. It was there all along, but we just had to wait for her sweetness to come back and love her in the meantime

I’m so thankful that God never gives up on me. He greets me with such love even just after I throw a fit over silly little things. He knows that a sweet girl is there, deep down inside, and patiently draws her out. He loves me when I’m unlovable.

Tags: determination, grace, learning, love

Most people hate February. And in many respects it’s a sucky month. The general populace is frustrated with weather and taxes. Single people are cranky about Valentine’s Day. Motivation for New Years resolutions is ebbing and it’s far easier to just sit on the couch, eat cookies and watch 24 than…well, do anything at all.

And I have some great trips planned in March and April. My best friend will move back here sometime around then as well. Then it will be summer and we can get ice cream and go to the park and drink sweet tea and go to Kings Island.

It’s going to be fabulous.

In the meantime, though, it’s February.

I’ve decided to take a different approach. I’m going to get in shape physically. I’m going to curb my spending and save as much as possible. I’ll get through work with as much happiness intact as I can muster and as soon as I leave, get to the business of living. I’ve moped around too much after work because I’ve been so miserable and frustrated, but that’s completely counterproductive. So that’s over.

Hopefully.

We’ll see.

Ultimately, though, I need to get my spirit into fighting shape. I’ve been so remiss in that lately. But with the things I have coming up in my future, I have a feeling that the challenges and possible triumphs will take everything I have. Mostly, though, I just miss God.

The best part is that I don’t have to.

Hold me to this, will you?

Tags: anticipation, determination, risk