Feet On the Ground

I’m here. I’m in my new place, in a new town, and I have my new student ID for the University of Kentucky. I’m going to law school orientation tomorrow. It feels surreal. If you’d told me two years ago that this was my path, I’d have been completely stumped.

I’m exhausted from all of the running around I’ve been doing, but I’m satisfied, too. I’m still finding my way around, but it was so fun last night to realize that even though the mall closed in 25 minutes I still had time to go to Macy’s to get a Lush bath bomb and try one for the first time. Best bath ever. It’s great to be the only person needing the bathroom, have it completely quiet when I want and no one telling me that I should be cleaning when I really need a nap.

I met my 2L mentor this morning and we went to get my student ID. She treated me to Starbucks not even knowing that it was the way to my heart. She’s bubbly and gladly answered my questions and gave me tips and I had a great time. Then I met a girl that I’ve been messaging with on Facebook and we went to lunch. She showed me some roads that I didn’t know about and we went driving around for a while. It’s so great to know someone that will be going through exactly what I’ll experience.

I’m surprised by how normal all of the unfamiliarity is. When I was in my undergrad writing classes, it took me a while to create smooth transitions. Professors always said that I jumped too abruptly from one idea to the next and it upset the flow of my work. At first I honestly had no idea what a transition really was.

Such an ironic parallel for my life. I spent so much time jumping from one emotion to another when I hit some sort of obstacle or major change. I couldn’t function if hit with a surprise and any sort of shift made me panic.

I learned how to write a transition. I even learned how to connect several ideas into one theme in larger works. It was my own literary triumph. This transition from living at home to moving somewhere unfamiliar is a transition of personal triumph. I’m so relieved that I’ve survived to this point and I’m building up courage for the rest of it. I’ve had so many overwhelming feelings of rightness about all of this. It feels like a normal part of life.

I’ll try to hold onto this feeling as I start my classes

Tags: change, law school, peace, risk

I’m moving to Lexington in 2 days. I have orientation on Friday and classes start next Tuesday.

Nearing freak out mode here.

And…we’ve arrived.

Tags: change, discomfort, law school, risk, uncertainty

I have a really bad singing voice. It’s nasally and I can’t carry a tune very well, so I don’t sing…unless I’m playing Glee songs in the car. I have to turn the volume up so that the cast drowns me out.

I get really nervous talking in front of people. I get shaky. My pupils constrict, I turn pale and my voice wobbles like I’m getting ready to cry. My throat tightens. My mouth dries. I see people staring at me with blank expressions and I have to fight the urge to run out the door – and I fight it only because I know my legs wouldn’t carry me that far.

So the only voice I have is through writing.

Problem is, I have a need to be brutally honest when I write. I can’t make it nice and fluffy and lovey unless I’m really feeling that way. I’m sarcastic. My verbal filter is riddled with holes. I say things that most Christians are afraid to even think. I write what I feel, which is usually full of pain and confusion.

And then I read the blogs of some AMAZING women. Lindsey Nobles. Bianca Juarez. Anne Jackson. Sarah Markley. Kristin Billerbeck. Fabulous women. Strong women. My role models from afar. I’ve never met them, but I have talked to them all on Twitter, e-mail, or Facebook chat. They all have many reasons to be bitter and question everything they believe, but they get out of bed and fight. Maybe not everyday. But most days. They write about everything, including their struggles, but usually end with a note of hope.

It’s then, that I hate my writing voice more than my singing voice. For a writer, your voice is your self. They can’t be separated. I realize how bitter, how confused, how hopeless I am. How afraid, how insecure. Faithless. Weak. Incapable.

I also realize why THEY are living a much better story than I am. Stories of redemption and passion and overcoming and perseverance and faith. I have no idea how to get my hands on this kind of life.

Yet somehow, their hope is contagious. I want the type of life they lead. I want strength to choke bitterness, courage to overwhelm fear, and love to blast hatred into oblivion. I honestly don’t know if I can ever change. I want to. I hope I can. And for now, I can muster up the willpower to keep trying.

Tags: change, determination, learning, trying, uncertainty

The guy that broke my heart got married on Saturday.

I thought I’d be slightly more than devastated.

But proving His majesty and ability to create a happy ending even for the broken, God has allowed me to feel…

Freedom.

For the first time in months years, I feel completely free from all of those ties. I feel as if I could fly, do backflips down the street and let loose on a crazy Pentecostal hallelujah dance.

He moved on with life. I actually felt a smidgen glad for them and that they’re happy together at present (even though he’s gotten far less attractive and well, she always was and they’ll probably get divorced because he’s selfish and doesn’t love Jesus). I realize how much better off I am now. Even though there are still hurts and regrets, those aren’t as specific to him anymore. It reflects upon where I was emotionally and how much hurt had built hurt over the years.

I’m moving on too.

Tags: change, excitement, heartbreak, love, nightmare, pain, peace, romance

When you apply to law school, you have to write a personal statement. It’s the one part of the application where I have the most control. It will allow the committee to have a peek inside of my life and see what’s motivating me to go to school. You’d think this would be the thing I’d nail, considering that all of my blogs are about my favorite topic- me.

Instead, I’m finding it incredibly challenging. When I write here, I try to include more than a hint of self-deprecation because I know how ridiculous I am most of the time, even in my earnestness. Yet when I’m writing this statement, my earnestness is completely sincere. It’s kind of terrifying. I haven’t cared about something this much since…well, we all know how that turned out.

These feelings are so weird. I don’t know how to process them seriously right now. I don’t know when I began downplaying my passions but now it’s like I’ve become the person I scorned. Someone who didn’t care enough about anything to really pursue it.

I miss writing, I miss God, I miss reading, I miss spending time by myself just being in complete silence and completely content with that. I could be doing any of those things seriously right now, but I’m laying here with a headache, a slightly sore throat, tense muscles knotted in my neck and not enough energy to think about anything beyond, “Ow.”

And, of course, this intense desire for something more that I can’t seem to put into words…but I have to.

Tags: change, discomfort, law school, learning, risk

All my life, I’ve heard about following Jesus. That we should follow in His footsteps until, of course, we can’t take it anymore and we see one set of footprints in the sand because He’s carrying us through our troubles. It’s a bunch of stuff that sounds good, but when you really put it into practice it’s completely exhausting. Following behind someone constantly means that you are limited to doing exactly what they do and going exactly where they are going. You remain chained and shackled, unable to exercise your will and follow your desires because you are kept in a certain place.

Zechariah 12 talks about the day where God will bring salvation, and how the feeblest among people will be like David, and that the glory of them will not surpass that of Judah. The weakest among us? Like David. The greatest? Like Jesus. There is a theme arising now in the Christian world to find out who Jesus is and how to be like Him. I always likened myself to being like David, even before I knew the significance of it. But with David, a man who was after God’s heart, always got in his own way. He accomplished great things but could have done more. Jesus, though…nothing got in His way. He wasn’t a man striving after God’s heart- He actually had God’s heart.

To simply follow Christ requires me to climb up on that cross and suffer. And that’s something I cannot and will never do. As long as I am trying to keep myself in a position of following, I will be requiring of myself something entirely different than He requires of me. It is finished means that He has completed the work, not that I have to help Him. When this is realized, I am free. Free to be like Jesus. Not just to follow Him. I am elevated to a status that is absolutely unlimited. It requires me to live in the tension of never being able to be as holy as He is while being granted an unlimited supply of holiness and righteousness through His grace.

It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

But it is completely necessary. If I do not set my sights on becoming like Jesus, I will constantly get in my own way. My flesh will continually rise up to render me powerless. I’ve reached the point where I can rebuke the devil with the best of them, but it doesn’t matter if I don’t realize the power that has been given to me and exercise my rights as a daughter of God.

It makes the whole process so much more exciting. A wild, intimidating, breathtaking adventure. Just like that, by changing my worldview from “Christ follower” to “someone who is like Jesus,” I have been released into a new way of living that is really what He meant when He came here in the first place.

Tags: change, excitement, learning

Today has been so weird. I’ve had a great day but also a big internal struggle as I seriously feel the devil trying to make me miserable over this situation. Even though I’m still partially in denial, it has been long enough that I have to accept that it is happening, that I can’t stop it, and that I don’t necessarily want to stop it but that I just need something good to happen to me.

I’m not sure if I’ll honestly ever believe that we weren’t meant to be together. Because I feel like we were. And some days, like today, it’s almost as if I feel like the spirit realm is absolutely furious on my behalf. I was listening to David Crowder Band’s song “The Nearness” today, and this is the part that always sticks out:

We can feel the breath of the angels
See the walls bend and shake
The skies in a tremble
Feel the ground break

We hear the songs of the heavens
See the world come awake
The bonds start to loose so
Feel the earth shake

I totally connect with this because this is what I’m experiencing right now. Also, pretty heavy stuff for a Baptist! You go, Crowder! (Heh.) Anyway. Sometimes I just feel that there is something stirring, and that all of the power of the heavens is barely being held at bay by God, who is running His finger over the trigger that would let it all break loose. The reason that I haven’t tried to defend myself against this onslaught of pain is because I know that I have the power of heaven and Earth on my side, and that the God of creation is just waiting for the right moment to do something huge.

I would absolutely love to see what the angels are doing around me right now. It feels like they’re sparring with one another and training with their swords to prepare for a big battle. When it happens, the earth will shake and the skies will tremble and I am so not envious of the person who wronged me. God does not like it when you mess with His children, and this is going to be far more serious than a redneck papa coming outside with a loaded shotgun (this picture is not dead for West Virginians).

Seriously. Something is coming. I don’t know what’s happening or going to happen, but when it does I have proof that I predicted it.

Tags: anticipation, change, excitement

I went to orientation for a new job Friday morning and I officially start training on Monday. I’m thankful to have an opportunity to make money, don’t get me wrong. It sucks to have no income. But it’s one of those “in-between” jobs, where you are just doing it because you have to while being sort of terrified that you’ll still be there ten years down the road. They hired a bunch of people seasonally and it’s definitely a motley crew. I am thankful that I get to wear what I want to work and be comfortable, but the lack of a dress code doesn’t really promote professionalism, especially when the people in charge are walking around in sweatpants and Ugg boots. I felt myself sliding into the old habits of putting forth a half-hearted effort, not trying to excel but rather to just get by with what I can do. Trying to avoid standing out.

Then I went to get my hair cut, and she had fun with it and gave me what I called movie star hair. It was fabulous and I felt like a million bucks when I left. Then I bought some awesome new shoes that I’d had my eye on, really gorgeous ones from Macys that were overpriced but so hot that I didn’t even care. Hairstyles and shoes don’t define me, but I realized when God started speaking into my spirit that the extra boost of confidence and vitality that I felt after getting them is how He made me to be.

There are some people who are totally content with little and only do what they need to do to get by and lead simple lives. Honestly? I think I’d tend to be one of those people, if God would just leave me alone. The price of trying to drag yourself out of that kind of life is very costly because it can lead you astray and get your focus off of what- well, Who, matters. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to seem discontent or ungrateful. But God seared that feeling into my spirit because He wanted me to know my calling. To know that I’m constantly supposed to have my eyes upward and to continue to progress. It’s something that he has instilled in me, and He is showing me more and more that I don’t have to make it all happen. That He will do it, but I have to be willing to put my own effort into it when the time comes to step up and carry it all out.

I’m alive for a reason. If I don’t step out when He calls, I might as well be slipping a noose around my neck. He wants me to accomplish great things. To be an example. If I only obey Him with my body by keeping myself alive that way, but don’t commit my entire being to what He wants, that’s not true obedience.

I still have days where deep sadness tries to overwhelm me. I wonder what the point is. I wish the journey could just be over. It has been two weeks since I found out the worst news of my entire life and I’m surprised about how well I’m doing, honestly. Before the whole thing even sank in, I was absolutely terrified about what would happen to me when the impact finally hit me. Surprisingly, I can get up and smile and rejoice and praise. But that doesn’t mean it’s all gone, and although I totally and completely believe in deliverance, I’m not sure it will ever truly be erased. Simply because I’ve had to learn to cope with it. I think it has made me a stronger person overall.

In the middle of all of this mess, God is showing me the kind of life that He has designed for me. And there’s some part of my soul that is so determined to not miss out on it that I’m convinced I will give it the best effort I have. Period.

Tags: anticipation, appreciation, change, learning, pain

I love my car. I got it a couple years ago, and it was one of those things that comes out of nowhere and is so much better than you ever expected. It’s really adorable. Totally customized. Won shows before the woman that owned it had kids and had to tend to “real life” rather than customizing cars. So I got her. It was 3 days before Christmas, and the way that it worked out was just a total miracle. I loved the notoriety and attention that she brought me. I had been so humiliated by even the people that I went to church with over the horrible car that I’d had before, so now it was like a fairy tale that I was the one driving the cute purple car with the carbon fiber hood.

I still get attention from having this car, and I’ll be honest- I still love it.

But she’s been systematically falling apart ever since I got her. It started with the crack on the side where the previous owner’s brother had bumped it. Then it got worse. Then my cousin repaired it and repainted it, but it kept happening. There are other cracks in the fender because it had already been weakened and the roads here are absolutely horrible. Really, the potholes mate like rabbits.

The seats are uncomfortable because they’re purple leather racing seats. There is no air conditioning unit. She’s loud and creaky and groans when I try to go up a hill on the interstate (and here, the interstate is like a roller coaster). The metal plate that they put in where the sideskirts attach to the car is rusting and looks awful because it was a shoddily completed job.

She looks good, for the most part. But when you get in there and really know her, she’s quite messed up. In some really obvious ways.

Fitting, isn’t it?

I love this car. I can’t imagine driving something else with more personality. I don’t want to go from my gorgeous girl to some plain normal car of which there are thousands on the roads already. I don’t want to lose the notoriety, the attention, the admiration. I don’t want to fade into the background. I don’t want to be unspecial.

But something has to change. I’d love to have the money to do a complete overhaul and get things fixed up the way they should be. But would it be worth it? Some things can’t be fixed, or aren’t even worth fixing. Maybe it’s just time for something new.

Something completely different.

Something better.

I’m totally okay with that idea. And I know that if God can give me one miracle car, He can give me another.

And if He chooses to give me something that’s not so special so He can work on making me special…then I have to realize the beauty in that, too.

(Still, I’d like an orange Audi TT-RS please)

Tags: anticipation, change

Facebook has become almost as annoying as Myspace was before I stopped logging into Myspace. There are ads and apps and bogus friend requests and emo song lyric statuses. But what annoys me the most are the hyper-religious statuses talking about Jesus and God and Christianity and how great their lives are because of God. I will be hugely judged for this statement, and I am totally beyond caring.

The thing is, I love Jesus with all of my heart and I am in no way ashamed to admit that. I become very territorial when He is reduced to a simple line on Facebook that someone writes in passing. I know that they’re probably well-meaning, but in my opinion they come across the same way as someone does in church when I ask how they’re doing and they smile fakely and say something ridiculous like, “Blessed and highly favored, praise the Lord!”

I DON’T CARE.

If God has performed a huge miracle in your life, like healing you from cancer, I will hallelujah dance right with you because that totally takes faith, prayer, and perseverance and you probably have something that I need to learn. But if you are just saying something about how great Jesus is just to say it, to show how good you are or perhaps just to gain some favor with God, you are doing it for the wrong reasons.

I expect my pastors to put stuff like this in their tweets and statuses, but I’m more pleased when they update about things that are really going on in their lives. If something good happens and they actually say what it is, I’ll smile. If they’re open and honest about something bad that happened, I’ll pray for them and grieve with them. It’s the same for anyone else. But if you’re just throwing random Pollyanna Jesus statements up there, it makes me roll my eyes.

“Moreover, when you fast, do not be like the hypocrites, with a sad countenance. For they disfigure their faces that they may appear to men to be fasting. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward.” – Matthew 6:16

The reward is only that people think they’re a little more holy than the next person. God isn’t pleased with it, and this so-called sacrifice will glean no reward from Him. One of the most eye-opening comments I’ve ever heard from someone that I respect but doesn’t believe in God was when he mentioned that he thinks I’m wise because I understand so much about something he understands nothing about. I just kind of sat there with my mouth hanging open because it was so honest, and so humble, and it made me realize that if I only ramble on about my relationship with God, people who don’t know Him really won’t understand me. It’s something so basic, that God even tells us in the Bible- that people who don’t know Him will not see Him and will not understand His Word. The only way that people will come to God is if they feel a longing for something more, something greater in their life…and they won’t get it if you just walk around saying how wonderful Jesus is. You have to live it, and show why He is so wonderful.

It’s a literary technique- showing vs. telling. If you tell everything that happens, every detail about a person or situation, the story is dull. Some things have to be told because they’re either too complex or too unimportant to show. But the power of most scenes lies in the showing of how the character is the way she is, or how he figures out that he loves her, or how the single mother breaks out of poverty.

I know that Jesus is great. I don’t need to be reminded on my news feed that you know it too. Neither does anyone else, because if all I know about you is that you love Jesus you’re really just like half of the other people on my friends list but one of the more annoying ones. I have absolutely no proof that your faith is real and substantiated, or that you’re anything more than a church-going robot.

Your Facebook statuses won’t get you through the pearly gates.

Tags: change, discomfort, fail, risk