Feet On the Ground

Most people hate February. And in many respects it’s a sucky month. The general populace is frustrated with weather and taxes. Single people are cranky about Valentine’s Day. Motivation for New Years resolutions is ebbing and it’s far easier to just sit on the couch, eat cookies and watch 24 than…well, do anything at all.

And I have some great trips planned in March and April. My best friend will move back here sometime around then as well. Then it will be summer and we can get ice cream and go to the park and drink sweet tea and go to Kings Island.

It’s going to be fabulous.

In the meantime, though, it’s February.

I’ve decided to take a different approach. I’m going to get in shape physically. I’m going to curb my spending and save as much as possible. I’ll get through work with as much happiness intact as I can muster and as soon as I leave, get to the business of living. I’ve moped around too much after work because I’ve been so miserable and frustrated, but that’s completely counterproductive. So that’s over.

Hopefully.

We’ll see.

Ultimately, though, I need to get my spirit into fighting shape. I’ve been so remiss in that lately. But with the things I have coming up in my future, I have a feeling that the challenges and possible triumphs will take everything I have. Mostly, though, I just miss God.

The best part is that I don’t have to.

Hold me to this, will you?

Tags: anticipation, determination, risk

I’m sending out 2009 with a wave of my middle finger and staring 2010 in the face. We’re having a wary standoff. I think it’s going to be a learning year, full of trial and hopefully not too much error. 2009 was painful, but I went through something so horrible that I realized nothing is worth being so miserable. Nothing.

The hard part, though, is that I feel like there are two choices in life. To be very lonely yet spiritually strong, or have a fun life and have a shriveled spirit.

I don’t like those options.

God is first in my life and always will be. There’s no use pretending otherwise. Yet I need to be able to find people who accept and include me, and I haven’t found those people in a church.

So 2010 is going to be about living in a wellspring of grace. Diving into it morning and night, gorging myself on it and allowing it to point me in the right direction. We misuse grace so much. Almost as if we’ve been so used to credit card debt and then suddenly it’s all paid off and we don’t have to worry about it anymore…and then we run them up again because we don’t know how to operate while being ahead or we just get so confused about having a surplus of money that it just sits there because we’re afraid to end up with nothing again.

I spend grace the same way. I either do too much or nothing at all. Both are bad investment practices. Fortunately, there’s a neverending supply of grace and I don’t have to worry about running out, but finding the favor in it and using it to my advantage is something that I’ve always struggled with. For the longest time I thought that I was doing things right, and then I pulled my head out of my overly religious behind and took stock of my life…and realized there wasn’t much substance to it because I had no real happiness.

I want a life of substance, meaning, and joy.

That can only be found through grace.

So here we go. Bring it on, 2010.

Tags: anticipation, grace, learning

Today has been so weird. I’ve had a great day but also a big internal struggle as I seriously feel the devil trying to make me miserable over this situation. Even though I’m still partially in denial, it has been long enough that I have to accept that it is happening, that I can’t stop it, and that I don’t necessarily want to stop it but that I just need something good to happen to me.

I’m not sure if I’ll honestly ever believe that we weren’t meant to be together. Because I feel like we were. And some days, like today, it’s almost as if I feel like the spirit realm is absolutely furious on my behalf. I was listening to David Crowder Band’s song “The Nearness” today, and this is the part that always sticks out:

We can feel the breath of the angels
See the walls bend and shake
The skies in a tremble
Feel the ground break

We hear the songs of the heavens
See the world come awake
The bonds start to loose so
Feel the earth shake

I totally connect with this because this is what I’m experiencing right now. Also, pretty heavy stuff for a Baptist! You go, Crowder! (Heh.) Anyway. Sometimes I just feel that there is something stirring, and that all of the power of the heavens is barely being held at bay by God, who is running His finger over the trigger that would let it all break loose. The reason that I haven’t tried to defend myself against this onslaught of pain is because I know that I have the power of heaven and Earth on my side, and that the God of creation is just waiting for the right moment to do something huge.

I would absolutely love to see what the angels are doing around me right now. It feels like they’re sparring with one another and training with their swords to prepare for a big battle. When it happens, the earth will shake and the skies will tremble and I am so not envious of the person who wronged me. God does not like it when you mess with His children, and this is going to be far more serious than a redneck papa coming outside with a loaded shotgun (this picture is not dead for West Virginians).

Seriously. Something is coming. I don’t know what’s happening or going to happen, but when it does I have proof that I predicted it.

Tags: anticipation, change, excitement

I went to orientation for a new job Friday morning and I officially start training on Monday. I’m thankful to have an opportunity to make money, don’t get me wrong. It sucks to have no income. But it’s one of those “in-between” jobs, where you are just doing it because you have to while being sort of terrified that you’ll still be there ten years down the road. They hired a bunch of people seasonally and it’s definitely a motley crew. I am thankful that I get to wear what I want to work and be comfortable, but the lack of a dress code doesn’t really promote professionalism, especially when the people in charge are walking around in sweatpants and Ugg boots. I felt myself sliding into the old habits of putting forth a half-hearted effort, not trying to excel but rather to just get by with what I can do. Trying to avoid standing out.

Then I went to get my hair cut, and she had fun with it and gave me what I called movie star hair. It was fabulous and I felt like a million bucks when I left. Then I bought some awesome new shoes that I’d had my eye on, really gorgeous ones from Macys that were overpriced but so hot that I didn’t even care. Hairstyles and shoes don’t define me, but I realized when God started speaking into my spirit that the extra boost of confidence and vitality that I felt after getting them is how He made me to be.

There are some people who are totally content with little and only do what they need to do to get by and lead simple lives. Honestly? I think I’d tend to be one of those people, if God would just leave me alone. The price of trying to drag yourself out of that kind of life is very costly because it can lead you astray and get your focus off of what- well, Who, matters. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to seem discontent or ungrateful. But God seared that feeling into my spirit because He wanted me to know my calling. To know that I’m constantly supposed to have my eyes upward and to continue to progress. It’s something that he has instilled in me, and He is showing me more and more that I don’t have to make it all happen. That He will do it, but I have to be willing to put my own effort into it when the time comes to step up and carry it all out.

I’m alive for a reason. If I don’t step out when He calls, I might as well be slipping a noose around my neck. He wants me to accomplish great things. To be an example. If I only obey Him with my body by keeping myself alive that way, but don’t commit my entire being to what He wants, that’s not true obedience.

I still have days where deep sadness tries to overwhelm me. I wonder what the point is. I wish the journey could just be over. It has been two weeks since I found out the worst news of my entire life and I’m surprised about how well I’m doing, honestly. Before the whole thing even sank in, I was absolutely terrified about what would happen to me when the impact finally hit me. Surprisingly, I can get up and smile and rejoice and praise. But that doesn’t mean it’s all gone, and although I totally and completely believe in deliverance, I’m not sure it will ever truly be erased. Simply because I’ve had to learn to cope with it. I think it has made me a stronger person overall.

In the middle of all of this mess, God is showing me the kind of life that He has designed for me. And there’s some part of my soul that is so determined to not miss out on it that I’m convinced I will give it the best effort I have. Period.

Tags: anticipation, appreciation, change, learning, pain

I got approved for the LSAC fee waiver. I can now take the LSAT for free and probably apply to any school I want for free. It’s exciting to have another green light. Also, completely terrifying. I mean, I honestly have no idea where I want to go to law school. There are a couple options that I’ve been considering because of knowing people there or accessibility, but nothing really feels right yet. I would love to do entertainment law more than anything, but to do that I’d need to go to a school in LA or New York and that just um, wow. Might be more than I can handle.

Something good happened that opened up possibilities and I’m completely shaking in my shoes right now. Well, I’m barefoot, but still.

Then I saw people tweeting about going to Story Chicago, a conference where Christians are coming together to study the art of story. A lot of people that I follow on Twitter will be attending and speaking there, and I’m so wistful. I want to be there. I want to be among people who understand that story is everything.

And with that thought…I was comforted. Not because it gives me an answer to my problems or a peek into the future, but because I’m living my story. Each step further makes the plot more intricate and complex. It becomes more interesting that way. The possibilities are increasing. I wish I could say that idea is emboldening, but it’s not. Yet. At least it puts everything into more perspective. My heartbreak? Not really that much better. But it just made my story more fascinating.

How in the world is it all going to come together now?

Another snag in the plot. When that happens in what I write, I sigh and wonder what the heck I’m going to do with these crazy characters. But there’s a much better author writing my story, and He never gets exasperated or shocked at a plot twist. He just knows, and every one fills Him with more glee.

My story is everything that I have to offer, and it will be glorious.

Tags: anticipation

I love my car. I got it a couple years ago, and it was one of those things that comes out of nowhere and is so much better than you ever expected. It’s really adorable. Totally customized. Won shows before the woman that owned it had kids and had to tend to “real life” rather than customizing cars. So I got her. It was 3 days before Christmas, and the way that it worked out was just a total miracle. I loved the notoriety and attention that she brought me. I had been so humiliated by even the people that I went to church with over the horrible car that I’d had before, so now it was like a fairy tale that I was the one driving the cute purple car with the carbon fiber hood.

I still get attention from having this car, and I’ll be honest- I still love it.

But she’s been systematically falling apart ever since I got her. It started with the crack on the side where the previous owner’s brother had bumped it. Then it got worse. Then my cousin repaired it and repainted it, but it kept happening. There are other cracks in the fender because it had already been weakened and the roads here are absolutely horrible. Really, the potholes mate like rabbits.

The seats are uncomfortable because they’re purple leather racing seats. There is no air conditioning unit. She’s loud and creaky and groans when I try to go up a hill on the interstate (and here, the interstate is like a roller coaster). The metal plate that they put in where the sideskirts attach to the car is rusting and looks awful because it was a shoddily completed job.

She looks good, for the most part. But when you get in there and really know her, she’s quite messed up. In some really obvious ways.

Fitting, isn’t it?

I love this car. I can’t imagine driving something else with more personality. I don’t want to go from my gorgeous girl to some plain normal car of which there are thousands on the roads already. I don’t want to lose the notoriety, the attention, the admiration. I don’t want to fade into the background. I don’t want to be unspecial.

But something has to change. I’d love to have the money to do a complete overhaul and get things fixed up the way they should be. But would it be worth it? Some things can’t be fixed, or aren’t even worth fixing. Maybe it’s just time for something new.

Something completely different.

Something better.

I’m totally okay with that idea. And I know that if God can give me one miracle car, He can give me another.

And if He chooses to give me something that’s not so special so He can work on making me special…then I have to realize the beauty in that, too.

(Still, I’d like an orange Audi TT-RS please)

Tags: anticipation, change

When I drive home from a trip, I’m usually kind of sad. It feels like I’m leaving a land of fun and happiness and returning to the humdrum life of home. I usually cut my trips shorter than I really want to simply because I want to keep hold of that whimsical longing to be there. If I stay too long, it might grow dull- and that’s what I’m so afraid of.

But this time it was different. I don’t know what happened, but somewhere between the first and second tolls on the West Virginia Turnpike (waste of money and the roads are STILL terrible), I felt a flicker of something I haven’t felt in a while. Even before last Sunday, when my world crashed down completely, I hadn’t experienced this feeling with such certainty in a very long time.

Hope.

My immediate reaction: *$%! no!

Sorry, Mom.

I just really don’t want to feel hopeful.

Hope leads to heartbreak with an alarming certainty that I’d be willing to bet on. If, you know, I had anything available to bet. Which I don’t, so we’re safe. Don’t lecture me about the sin of gambling. I was just kidding anyway. I’d bet against hope and then it would win and I’d still lose! *scratches head* Or something.

Although it kind of made me panic, the hope brought relief. I’m not completely destroyed, at least not yet. And that means there’s at least one more chance for something to go right. For God to do something huge. I mean, He only needs one opportunity…

Tags: anticipation, hope