Feet On the Ground

I’ve been kind of numb the past few weeks. I think it’s a combination of dealing with the most epic heartbreak of my life, being lonely and getting thrust into a new, draining, full-time job out of nowhere. I’ve read little and written less. I haven’t talked to my best friends much because there’s nothing to say. I can’t even really get involved in my TV shows as much as usual. I can’t connect. I can’t feel.

Part of it is welcome. I can’t feel anything bad, and when I do I just shove it aside and return to the numbness. But that also means that I can’t feel anything good either. I usually love Christmas, but it feels dead to me. It’s a celebration of life and I feel none of it. I miss God’s presence and the anointing flowing in my life. Whenever I listen to a Bill Johnson sermon, I no longer feel like all he discusses is attainable. It’s foreign and I wonder how the heck I’m supposed to get there. I don’t feel the passion and the power of God in my life anymore. I miss it. I miss Him. I want it back.

I struggled for a long time with thoughts of suicide. Up until a couple months ago, I was having an onslaught of random thoughts and dreams about killing myself. It was so weird because I knew I had no real intentions of doing that, and I would never follow through on those ideas. Yet they flowed into my mind with frightening regularity, and it was a painful struggle. A direct reflection of how much I did not love life.

Somehow, though, I could handle it. I could press into that anointing and feel God’s love and know that I would have to struggle with it forever. And when it fell away after a very emotional week, I rejoiced. I thought it was over for good. Then little by little everything else started falling away too, until now I stand here feeling empty and forlorn. Then last night, I had thoughts of cutting, which is something that I’ve never really had the interest in pursuing seriously (cause like, it hurts…). This is why it doesn’t make sense to me- I don’t do it, I won’t do it, and any attempts in the past (very few) have been half-hearted indeed. Even now, my rational thought process is so much more stable than it used to be. I’m not going to do it. But there’s something that wants me destroyed and it doesn’t really care if it’s in one fell swoop or proceeds gradually.

I used to be equipped to fight against it, but I don’t feel that way anymore. It’s probably the most terrifying part of this whole mess. Maybe, though, this is what I needed to get back to the right place. It’s certainly motivating, but I’m not sure how to do it anymore.

Tags: discomfort, fail, pain, silence