Feet On the Ground

I’m so tired of trying to make people like me. For some reason, people just aren’t drawn to me. I mean, they are enough to say hi and be friendly enough to my face, but when I’m away I don’t cross their minds. It’s not for lack of trying, either. I’ll call people to check on them or ask them to hang out, but it doesn’t really seem to generate any results. You can’t force people to do anything, much less think of you and put some effort behind it.

Sometimes, at church or wherever, I’ll meet someone new and I get so hopeful that they’ll be a good friend. Heck, I don’t even need someone to get that close to- I’d just like someone to remember me once in a while and ask me to hang out. I don’t need people to do me favors, or be overly complimentary, or agree with me on everything or boost my ego. I just need to be wanted. For someone to enjoy spending time with me so much that they seek out the opportunity to have my company.

But, inevitably, it doesn’t turn out that way, and I don’t really expect it to…I just hope against hope. So many times people say that it doesn’t matter what you have or what you lack, that good friendships should be unconditional, no matter what your status really is. That people should love you for who you are. Which makes it hurt so much more when even the people who consider themselves a close friend start to act snobby toward me. I don’t think that they mean to do it, because most of the time it’s not an issue. There are certain times, though, when their abundance illuminates my lack. It happens when something makes it so apparent that I don’t have a boyfriend or money. I’ve realized that my circumstances don’t change me, but sometimes other people start looking at me differently when they’re reminded of my circumstances. It makes me so sad to feel that rejection because it’s something that I can’t change, that I have no power over. I understand that sometimes, you just need to feel like you’re a little better off than someone. And I don’t mind being the scapegoat on occasion- it’s obvious that I’m not that well off,  especially to me. I just wish I had other people to take my mind off of it.

I really can’t do anything about any of it. The only comfort I take, really, is in realizing that most people probably really do appreciate it when I try to do what I want people to do for me. When I just offer a smile or a hug or simply call to ask how they are. People act so tough, but they’re not. They need affirmation, and I’m willing to give it. I enjoy making other people feel better, lightening their load even an ounce. Not having people there for me has really taught me to apply Matthew 11:30, because Jesus promised a light load to begin with. At least His love isn’t a one time deal. He always calls to check on me.