Feet On the Ground

I like quiet time. I like to be alone, watch TV, read. Sit in silence at the park on a bench or lay by the pool and soak up the sun. Lose myself in a movie without interruption. Close my eyes and listen to a gorgeous worship song (I Will Run) and remember the One who gave me life.

Peace.

I love peace.

Yet when I get around other people, it’s almost as if my peace is stolen. I realize that life cannot be experienced alone, but other people stress me out. I have always been a loner and therefore don’t have much experience with relationships and am terrified that I will screw up the simplest of friendships. So I blunder and fumble and end up making an idiot out of myself. I get too close too soon or hold back for too long.

I’m emotionally volatile and the lamest thing can make me cry. I’ve been known for my meltdowns, but thank God they’ve become less frequent over the past couple of years. I am so afraid and skeptical that I put people through tests without even meaning to do so. And if I’m stressed out, I snap at the most convenient person.

I love peace, but my relationships are not peaceful.

And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace for them that make peace. – James 3:18

A loving relationship should be a resting place. One of the best things about my mom and my aunt is that you feel better when you’re around them. Life slows. A sigh emerges. Tense muscles loosen. Neither have had easy lives but they exude peacefulness and it’s contagious.

Whereas I am a tense ball of nerves at all times and omg am I ever going to calm down?!?!?!

I want to be like them. I want to be full of peace and freely give it to everyone around me. I want to access a place of peace and rest even when the outside world is chaotic. And I want to cultivate loving relationships that provide an oasis when someone is in my presence. I want to diffuse arguments and misunderstandings before they start and live with an obvious desire for things to be good in my relationships.

I need peace to show people how much I love them.

Tags: love, peace

We all have our issues. Struggles. Themes. Dragons that pop up at the most unexpected times. They aren’t pretty and we like to stuff them away because we don’t want to show our vices. Or we wear them as a badge and defy anyone to tell us to get over it.

I’m very, very ashamed of mine. Because, well, it’s the complete opposite of the second commandment Jesus left us.

Hate. Rage. Resentment.

I try to ignore it. Stuff it down. Throw Bible verses on it like water on a flame.

Doesn’t work.

It pops right back up again at absolutely horrible times and tries to destroy my relationships, my happiness and my life. The thing is, I know it’s not me. I want loving, peaceful, respectful friendships. I want to operate with strength and joy and bring life into the situations around me.

I was listening to Joyce Meyer today and she totally challenged me with this statement:

Jesus didn’t die so we could have a new kind of misery and put a Christian label on it.

So true. But that’s how my life operates much of the time. I get so wrapped up in negative emotions that I can’t enjoy anything and I struggle with finding a reason to continue.

The upstairs neighbors who are currently stomping around so hard that my ceiling light is shaking. The people I encounter at work who seem to be operating with a shrunken frontal lobe. The people who falsely accuse me. Church members who make fun of my jeans and look down upon my family. Family members who hold grudges. Customers who blame me for their mistakes. A father who left me. A man who broke my heart.

I can hate them and be destroyed. I can ignore them and become hardened. Or I can love them and be healed.

So in my journey to become less miserable and perhaps even regain some happiness, I’m going to start a love challenge. It’s time to soften my heart.

(I have no idea what said challenge consists of, but we’ll figure it out)

Tags: love

*grunt*

*rolls over*

*sigh*

*rolls back over*

*picks up phone to check the time*

“OMG!”

Yeah. We’ve all done it. And on a Sunday morning, when I swear I was going to make it to the 9 AM service, it feels even worse to wake up closer to, well, 10. Especially since I’ve missed the 9 AM service for weeks in a row. By the time Sunday morning rolls around and I’ve just worked 30 hours in 3 days, nothing is getting me out of bed very early. I feel bad once I get there and realize that everyone else has gone through these songs once already at 11, but I just can’t seem to help it.

Then I managed to lose track of time as I was getting ready. Not to mention dump an entire container of navy powder eyeshadow on my dresser. So I showed up looking fabulous, but walked in right as the countdown was at 22 seconds for the service. Because, of course, the parking lot was full.

(Note to self: getting there at 8:45 ensures a prime parking spot.)

I could have rushed to get out my trumpet and dashed up onstage halfway into the first song while everyone was rocking out, but that would have been fitting the exact theme of my life lately. Rushing and not meeting my goals. Disappointing myself and others. So instead of trying to meet an impossible goal and get onstage in 22 seconds, I changed the goal. I decided to enjoy the service. I hugged the greeters and found a seat. Admired the lights around the stage. Soaked in the atmosphere. Marveled about how loud the music really was…and how amazing it sounded. Watched my good friend walk up the aisle and sit alone in front of me and followed to plop my stuff down in the chair beside her.

I was rewarded with a welcoming hug and a friendly smile, a question about why I wasn’t playing, and a giggle when she admitted that she always oversleeps too. I was able to sing the lyrics, lift my hands, and let the presence of God actually energize me for once.

Usually I’m onstage with a bunch of dudes. Standing in 4 inch heels. Feeling my arm muscles quiver as I try to hold my trumpet up for 45 minutes. Breaking into a sweat from the hot lights that are trying to blind me. Fiddling with the mix coming through my earbuds as some band members play too loud. Trying to worship God but often failing because I think of how uncomfortable and tired I am and we haven’t even made it through the 2nd reprise because gospel songs never end.

This morning I was just an observer. Allowing God to draw me in and remind me exactly why I’m alive and how much He loves me.

On a day where we celebrate love, He gave me a break and let me feel nothing else.

It was awesome.

Tags: love

Most people hate February. And in many respects it’s a sucky month. The general populace is frustrated with weather and taxes. Single people are cranky about Valentine’s Day. Motivation for New Years resolutions is ebbing and it’s far easier to just sit on the couch, eat cookies and watch 24 than…well, do anything at all.

And I have some great trips planned in March and April. My best friend will move back here sometime around then as well. Then it will be summer and we can get ice cream and go to the park and drink sweet tea and go to Kings Island.

It’s going to be fabulous.

In the meantime, though, it’s February.

I’ve decided to take a different approach. I’m going to get in shape physically. I’m going to curb my spending and save as much as possible. I’ll get through work with as much happiness intact as I can muster and as soon as I leave, get to the business of living. I’ve moped around too much after work because I’ve been so miserable and frustrated, but that’s completely counterproductive. So that’s over.

Hopefully.

We’ll see.

Ultimately, though, I need to get my spirit into fighting shape. I’ve been so remiss in that lately. But with the things I have coming up in my future, I have a feeling that the challenges and possible triumphs will take everything I have. Mostly, though, I just miss God.

The best part is that I don’t have to.

Hold me to this, will you?

Tags: anticipation, determination, risk