Feet On the Ground

So, I regularly come across lyrical fallacies in songs that we sing in church. I’m not trying to nitpick every song, because I’m sure that there are some songs that speak to me that might not make that much sense when you really think about it. And I know that God can totally use anything to make His point. I mean, during this song today there were tons of people touched by it and a woman’s eye got healed. Bam. Like that. God is srs bsnss, y’all.

I don’t think that the songs we sing in a service really influence our thoughts or perceptions all that much- it’s the reverse. The songs that make us feel something more than usual, that stir our minds and souls, are the indicators of our current spiritual state. So when we get REALLY caught up in a song, I like to look at it and see why we really let those certain words speak to us. Sometimes it makes sense, and other times it’s really disturbing.

Today, the song said:

As I lift my hands toward heaven let Your fire fall down on me
Rekindle the fire within me, Lord, once again

Sounds great right?

Except, when you think about it….

…why’d we let the fire go out?

AGAIN?

Obviously, it’s a recurring problem if we’re saying, “once again.” I mean, really? God’s anointing doesn’t just flicker and fade and need a good dose of gas thrown on it to start going again. He’s there, constant. If we allow ourselves to become immersed in His presence and glory, the anointing on our lives will remain just as strong and constant. It will be unquenchable no matter what our circumstances are.

What if we took a new perspective on church services? At least at my church. We treat it as a a way to fix the problems of the last week, a way to return to equilibrium so we can just let the law of entropy go to work in our spiritual lives for one more week, causing us to fall apart at the seams and return to church the following Sunday to have Jesus put us back together again like so many Humpty Dumpties. Rinse. Repeat.

What if we used it instead as a springboard for the next week? Rather than trying to avoid the problems that we caused for ourselves the week before by asking God to fix everything, we could open our eyes to see what we could do, with His leading, to make things around us better. To learn and grow by putting our feet on solid ground and forcing them to move forward rather than flailing around in the ether and hoping something sticks.

To see all of the congregants so taken by these lines really struck me in an uncomfortable way. Is this what sounds good to us? Is this what we truly think that God is trying to do in us? Do we need to get baptized every week to make sure we’re cleansed and ready for new life?

Why are we still begging for the same old thing? God said that He would make all things new and that He wants us to sing to Him a new song. Maybe we should just get unstuck. Maybe we should let the fire blast us out of our rut this time, and never let it burn out.

I miss a lot of people.

It started in 11th grade, when one of my closest friends moved away. Followed by another, and another. They leave just as I get so close that I kind of expect them to be around forever, that I can’t imagine not being able to drive over and see them on a whim, or hear my phone ring, followed by being informed that I should be ready in 5 minutes because we were going somewhere. It’s that type of thing where life decides that you’re just too darn comfortable with the way things are, so you have to lose someone really important.

I know that it started with my father. And it continued with him, and in the midst of saying goodbye to all of these friends, he kept leaving me too. Until finally I stopped playing his stupid games, but I still had to feel the sting of being left behind. It’s yet another thing I hate him for. He made me so sensitive to this phenomenon that happens all the time, to so many people, and yet it nearly paralyzes me.

I’m pretty good at maintaining these relationships if the other person is willing. One of my best friends has never lived near me. I recently just met someone who I’ve talked to since 7th grade. We don’t need to be around one another to keep a friendship alive. It would just be nice to have someone around again.

I don’t understand why everyone had to leave. The most frustrating thing is when I get so upset with life the way it is that I think the only answer is to leave, and then I hear those people complain about how their problems followed them, or they found worse problems, and they would give anything to move back.

Well, why’d you leave in the first place?!

Yet I understand the urgent feeling. Sometimes I feel so trapped, afraid that there aren’t enough opportunities, afraid that the opportunities available won’t be able to find me because so many other people are seeking out those few chances to succeed. I feel willing to sacrifice familiarity and the closeness I have with people here for those chances to move up in the world, to do better. But I wonder, most of the time, if I feel that way because I’ve been left behind most of the time. If there’s not enough here to keep me, to matter to me, because I was the one that remained here to do nothing and to be insignificant while the people I loved dashed off without a backward glance. The more I see them get entrenched into their lives in their new places, the less important I feel to them, and the more important it becomes to me to find a place of my own.

Maybe I just want to be the one that leaves before it happens again, because this last one nearly shattered me into a million pieces.

All week, I’ve been thinking about and planning a post about hope. But something happened to completely subvert that whole notion.

Funny how that happens.

I had a horrible nightmare last night, and I need to write about it so that I can, hopefully, move on from it. Because I’ve been near tears since I woke up.

In the dream, Mom left me. Up and vanished. The scariest part was, it seemed like everyone was in cahoots. Everyone I knew had talked to her and told me that she was fine, no, great actually, and that she’d talk to me when she was ready. But somehow I knew that she planned to never talk to me again. No one offered me refuge. I couldn’t find the rest of my family, one of my best friends refused to take me in, and even my pastor was reluctant to talk to me. As soon as she left, I was completely scorned. It was as if she’d told everyone some horrid secret about me, ensuring that I was going to be an outcast as soon as she left. I was at her mercy, and there was none to be found.

I know that this would never happen, but the feeling of abandonment has plagued me since I opened my eyes. It was one of those dreams that wouldn’t let me wake up for the longest time, even though I tried. And then the usual safety and comfort of my bed was completely lost, and I was absolutely shaken to my core.

I’m not sure why I had this dream. I think it may have stemmed from some of the discomfort I felt last night. During our church service, I was “interviewed” by a pastor so I could offer my thoughts and opinions on some things. I was honest. I bared my heart up there, for everyone to see. In return, I got some smiles and nods, but I also received lots of frowns and follow-up comments like, “I love you, even though I didn’t agree with you.”

Thanks?

I have been really challenged by God lately to be honest about what I’m thinking and feeling. So I did that. But I guess I feel like it’s impossible for someone to truly see my heart, and completely disagree, and still love me anyway. And if they manage to do that, eventually they’ll just get tired of it…and leave.

Now we’ve reached the pinnacle, where all of my fears come together and He issues a challenge. Can I be honest, show my heart, face my fears of change and abandonment and being alone…but ultimately trust in Him? He created me, and to abandon His creation because she didn’t operate quite correctly would be contrary to His character. My two images of God are warring with one another, and I’m pretty sure the loving, nurturing one is winning. But sometimes the stern one comes back with a vengeance, and I’m left quaking.

Tags: nightmare

So I’m doing another book review for LitFuse Publicity and I totally love these! It’s for a book by Susan May Warren called The Great Christmas Bowl. You can go here to find more reviews and info about it.

When I first saw the book I was disappointed because it was so small. I like a good thick book to really settle into. However, despite the fact that this was a quick read, it managed to be a fulfilling story. If Susan had tried to pack more into what it was, it wouldn’t have worked at all. I ended up loving it. I cracked up and teared up throughout the entire thing. I loved that she tied in the ideas of traditions, both in families and in churches, and the importance of allowing new ones to form and not hold on to the “same old thing” just for the sake of doing it, while maintaining the strong plotline of the football team.

I’m not a sports fan. But lately I’ve come to appreciate how something like a football team can bring together a community and give them something to be excited about. This whole theme was carried across very well, and even I got into the spirit of rooting for the Trouts. Honestly, I just had fun reading it. It’s not a groundbreaking story or one that will totally change your life, but it’s worth reading just because it’s fun. The more I got into it, the more I loved it. And isn’t that what reading is all about?

About The Great Christmas Bowl:
Marianne Wallace is focused on two things this holiday season:
planning the greatest family Christmas ever and cheering on her
youngest son’s team in their bid for the state championship.
Disaster strikes when the team loses their mascot-the Trout. Is it
going too far to ask her to don the costume? So what if her husband
has also volunteered her to organize the church Christmas tea.
When football playoffs start ramping up, the Christmas tea starts
falling apart. Then, one by one her children tell her they can’t come
home for Christmas.
As life starts to unravel, will Marianne remember the true meaning of
the holidays?

About Susan:
Susan May Warren is the RITA award-winning author of twenty-four
novels with Tyndale, Barbour and Steeple Hill. A four-time Christy
award finalist, a two-time RITA Finalist, she’s also a multi-winner of
the Inspirational Readers Choice award, and the ACFW Book of the Year.
Her larger than life characters and layered plots have won her acclaim
with readers and reviewers alike. A seasoned women’s events and
retreats speaker, she’s a popular writing teacher at conferences
around the nation and the author of the beginning writer’s workbook:
From the Inside-Out: discover, create and publish the novel in you!.
She is also the founder of www.MyBookTherapy.com, a story-crafting
service that helps authors discover their voice. Susan makes her home
in northern Minnesota, where she is busy cheering on her two sons in
football, and her daughter in local theater productions (and
desperately missing her college-age son!) A full listing of her
titles, reviews and awards can be found at: www.susanmaywarren.com

Link to Buy the Book:
http://www.christianbook.com/great-christmas-bowl-susan-warren/9781414326788/pd/326788?event=AFFp=&

The Great Christmas Bowl website: http://thegreatchristmasbowl.blogspot.com/
The website features a note from the author, fun updates from Big Lake
Gazette, info on how to host your own Great Christmas Bowl Tea to
benefit a local ministry or charity and a fun Recipe Exchange contest!

CONTEST: Be a part of the Great Christmas Bowl recipe exchange!
Susan loves getting recipes from friends, and sharing the delicious
cookies, soups, breads and other fun fixings that go with celebrating
the Christmas season. More than that, she loves the crazy stories
about favorite Christmases – serious, touching, funny…whatever. Find
the recipe contest here:
http://thegreatchristmasbowl.blogspot.com/2009/07/recipe-exchange.html

I learned yesterday that my personality type, INFJ, is the rarest of all of them. Only 1% of the population is an INFJ. I know that most people probably think that personality typing is really kind of useless because it’s a soft science, but seriously. Go here and take the Jung Typology Test. When you find your Myers-Briggs type, you can read a lot of things about yourself that will be uncannily true to form. Answer honestly, even though some questions may seem repetitive. Lots of research and study goes into forming a test like this.

For example, part of the INFJ descriptor on Personality Page says:

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubbornness and tendency to ignore other people’s opinions. They believe that they’re right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves – there’s always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don’t often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don’t believe in compromising their ideals.

Yeah. That’s me. Like, exactly. Scarily so.

But the 1%-of-the-population thing was what really shook me. I feel that people rarely understand my motives and my decisions and WHY I make my decisions the way that I do. I can’t always explain them, but I can feel so strongly about a certain situation that there’s no amount of reasoning that will get me to budge. If I believe that something is right, I’ll follow it to the end. I’m really hard on myself, and I always want to improve and be better, but I also demand recognition when I’m right.

This happens so much in my relationships. Countless times I will give advice to my friends about something, and they absolutely refuse to listen to me, only to come back months later to tell me that I was right. Which, of course, I already knew, but I just had to wait for THEM to figure it out or to let the inevitability of the situation finally hit them.

So it’s even more frustrating when I’m wrong, really, because I can’t figure out WHY my intuition failed me. Or I just get really angry because what DID happen was not what SHOULD happen. Feeling powerless to make things right is the worst thing ever. And people can’t figure out why I get so upset when I can’t make things better.

Most people would think that since INFJs are only 1% of the population, we should be fixed because we’re wrong- even if it’s not said in so many words. How many times do we try to fit people into a mold? Far too often. But what I realized, today, is that even though people try to change me, or don’t find my opinions valid, or question my decisions, or just completely ignore me…God still made me this way. I keep trying to change things because I think they’re weaknesses, but God put them in me to be used for His purposes. I don’t fit in because I wasn’t made to be understood by the world. I was made to change it, to use my uniqueness to cause people to see things in a different way, some way they never would have thought.

It really was no surprise when I saw some people that I follow talking about Myers-Briggs typologies on Twitter to find that Michael Hyatt and Anne Jackson are INFJs as well. Mike is the CEO of a publishing company and Anne is an author. I’ve been drawn to both of them, for their writing and their personalities and what they’re driven to do. They’re both successful and driven. Mike is a visionary for publishing. Anne has made it through more hardships than one person should ever have to battle and she has unique perspectives and wisdom that need to be heard. There are some huge differences between all of us, but there’s also something fundamentally important.

If we allow people to succeed when they try to change us into becoming more of what they want to see, we’re going to lose what God has put into us to impact others for the better. That’s not to say that we’re not supposed to identify and overcome those obstacles within ourselves that are trying to trip us up, but not everything that’s different is a weakness.

^1-10Companions as we are in this work with you, we beg you, please don’t squander one bit of this marvelous life God has given us. God reminds us,
I heard your call in the nick of time;
The day you needed me, I was there to help.
Well, now is the right time to listen, the day to be helped. Don’t put it off; don’t frustrate God’s work by showing up late, throwing a question mark over everything we’re doing. Our work as God’s servants gets validated—or not—in the details. People are watching us as we stay at our post, alertly, unswervingly . . . in hard times, tough times, bad times; when we’re beaten up, jailed, and mobbed; working hard, working late, working without eating; with pure heart, clear head, steady hand; in gentleness, holiness, and honest love; when we’re telling the truth, and when God’s showing his power; when we’re doing our best setting things right; when we’re praised, and when we’re blamed; slandered, and honored; true to our word, though distrusted; ignored by the world, but recognized by God; terrifically alive, though rumored to be dead; beaten within an inch of our lives, but refusing to die; immersed in tears, yet always filled with deep joy; living on handouts, yet enriching many; having nothing, having it all. (2 Corinthians 6, The Message)

I was reading this the other day and thought, “Wow, I need to blog about that!” and then last night in service it was one of the passages used in the sermon. But I promise I found it before then. Anyway, what really struck me is the specificity used here. It goes from bad to good, and bad and good at the same time. “Beaten within an inch of our lives, but refusing to die.” That’s how I feel most of the time. Like I’m barely hanging on, barely able to make it one more step. Yet there’s that small spark of tenacity that absolutely refuses to give up. I’ve been praying for the same person for two and a half years and they have not moved an inch. No progress spiritually. They haven’t even become nicer. You’d think God would at least give me that much. But, no. It looks worse now than when I started. But I absolutely refuse to give up. I’m not even sure why, because I tell myself that I’m being stupid to hang on to this. But I can’t let go.

In this passage, we can probably identify more easily with the bad times than with the good times. But when someone asks how we’re doing, we pretend to always be living in the good times. It’s a total lie, and everyone knows it, but we pretend because like this says, we know that people are watching us and we want to look good to them. And we get validated in those details, of what happens to us, of remaining unswerving even in the hard times and not going overboard in the good. What we fail to see so much of the time is that God is willing to help us. RIGHT NOW is the time to be helped. In the good and in the bad. Because people are watching, and because we need to be validated- He is going to validate us, because in that He validates Himself.

The circumstances we’re in shouldn’t matter. It’s just as easy for God to help us in ten areas as to help us in one. And if everything is going well, then expect it to get better, because in your growth and overflow you can help someone else. It sounds so simple, and we make it so difficult. We need to expect it to work.

I was reading Luke 4 the other day and was struck by what a bad month and a half Jesus had around there. I mean, the Holy Spirit led him into a barren dessert to half-starve himself, then the devil taunted him, even telling him to jump off of the temple roof. While hungry enough to be seeing hallucinations of Little Debbie cakes, He had to engage in a theological debate. Things seemed to be getting better when everyone started listening to Him and admiring His words, but apparently He was just a bit too honest and made everyone so riled up that an angry mob all but tarred and feathered Him and then tried to throw Him off a cliff.

After escaping, He was verbally accosted by a demon, and then when He went to go hang out with His buddy Simon He found Simon’s mother-in-law sick with fever and had to heal her. No good deed goes unpunished, so then He was mobbed with more sick people and had to shut up more demons. He tried to get some peace and quiet, but people kept following Him around.

All that happened in ONE CHAPTER. And people say that the Bible is boring! But really, the point is how much danger and adversity and discomfort Jesus experienced…and how well He handled it. He didn’t whine or allow the demons to make Him miserable.  He didn’t allow Himself to act badly because He was hungry or refuse to heal people because He was tired. But ultimately, when He was in danger He simply walked out.

Christians usually avoid any type of danger or opposition. It’s too scary and requires too much effort. Of course, I understand being prudent and not foolishly exposing yourself to something dangerous, but sometimes God sends us right into the middle of a really bad situation for whatever reason. I’m the first to admit that I am far too easily overwhelmed and intimidated. I just shut down. But God has been totally bringing it to my attention. I need to act stronger, to BE stronger- because I am. I have all of the help I need. I have a Savior and an army of angels waiting to help me. Why should I always quake in fear? I’m going to make it out in one piece! Even if I’m bruised and battered just a bit, I’ll get over it.

Danger isn’t always bad. If we look at things in perspective, what we think is dangerous may not be so at all.

It’s obvious that one of the themes that I’ve dealt with lately (okay, so, my entire life!) is fear. I’m constantly battling it, and when this book came available to review for Thomas Nelson’s Book Review Bloggers program, I jumped on the chance. Here’s the info page on Thomas Nelson’s site where you can watch the video trailer and read the first chapter and other review and whatnot. But first, look at how pretty the cover is:

The computer screen doesn’t do it justice- the blue is stunning in person.

Okay, so down to serious business. Here’s the review.

Max takes several verses from the gospels where Jesus addresses different types of fear. It’s clear that He sees no use for it and wants His followers to understand that fear is completely unnecessary because He is present, in control, and loves them enough to take care of them for eternity. Many fear-inducing issues are addressed here: the welfare of children, fear of the future, fear of challenges, fear of disappointing God. He approaches them all with both scripture and real-life experiences. Rather than saying that Christians should be in denial about what they’re afraid of, he challenges us to approach them head on.

Max’s writing is absolutely beautiful. The way that he strings the words together has a calming effect. I found myself re-reading sections just because I wanted to soak them in again. My favorite chapters were The Villagers of Stiltsville (the fear of not mattering) and Caffeinated Life (fear of what’s next) because they are by far my greatest fears. For the former, he used the verse that so many of us are familiar with, about God even caring for the sparrows. Most of the time, when I hear that verse, it doesn’t really effect me. I’ve heard it too often. But Max’s illustration about the villagers and Punchinello made me realize how silly all of this worry about how other people finding me significant really is. I still struggle with it, but I have some more perspective now. Then, the Caffeinated Life chapter really challenged me about not expecting life to be perfect or easy while not being afraid of what really could happen. Even if my imagined worst-case scenario came about, the VERY worst-case scenario, being without Christ, will never happen. He will protect me and guide me through everything, and facing it with courage is much more admirable than rebuking demons out of every doorknob.

In short, I loved the book. I loved the reminders that I received and the perspective that it gave me. Reading it was such an enjoyable experience because of the writing style.

I’m so tired of trying to make people like me. For some reason, people just aren’t drawn to me. I mean, they are enough to say hi and be friendly enough to my face, but when I’m away I don’t cross their minds. It’s not for lack of trying, either. I’ll call people to check on them or ask them to hang out, but it doesn’t really seem to generate any results. You can’t force people to do anything, much less think of you and put some effort behind it.

Sometimes, at church or wherever, I’ll meet someone new and I get so hopeful that they’ll be a good friend. Heck, I don’t even need someone to get that close to- I’d just like someone to remember me once in a while and ask me to hang out. I don’t need people to do me favors, or be overly complimentary, or agree with me on everything or boost my ego. I just need to be wanted. For someone to enjoy spending time with me so much that they seek out the opportunity to have my company.

But, inevitably, it doesn’t turn out that way, and I don’t really expect it to…I just hope against hope. So many times people say that it doesn’t matter what you have or what you lack, that good friendships should be unconditional, no matter what your status really is. That people should love you for who you are. Which makes it hurt so much more when even the people who consider themselves a close friend start to act snobby toward me. I don’t think that they mean to do it, because most of the time it’s not an issue. There are certain times, though, when their abundance illuminates my lack. It happens when something makes it so apparent that I don’t have a boyfriend or money. I’ve realized that my circumstances don’t change me, but sometimes other people start looking at me differently when they’re reminded of my circumstances. It makes me so sad to feel that rejection because it’s something that I can’t change, that I have no power over. I understand that sometimes, you just need to feel like you’re a little better off than someone. And I don’t mind being the scapegoat on occasion- it’s obvious that I’m not that well off,  especially to me. I just wish I had other people to take my mind off of it.

I really can’t do anything about any of it. The only comfort I take, really, is in realizing that most people probably really do appreciate it when I try to do what I want people to do for me. When I just offer a smile or a hug or simply call to ask how they are. People act so tough, but they’re not. They need affirmation, and I’m willing to give it. I enjoy making other people feel better, lightening their load even an ounce. Not having people there for me has really taught me to apply Matthew 11:30, because Jesus promised a light load to begin with. At least His love isn’t a one time deal. He always calls to check on me.

I went to brass band for the second time tonight. I haven’t sat in a sizable group that can actually read music well since high school, and I hadn’t realized how much I miss it and I’d forgotten how much I love it. It’s so much fun to hear the music swelling around me and being a part of a group that just enjoys it. I had so many bad memories from high school band because of the directors being grouchy tyrants, but the men that conduct this group are so nice! They readily admit when a snafu was their fault and are quick to praise us when we do well. It just makes the whole experience that much more enjoyable.

I was amused to be reminded of my musical preferences and how they actually have not changed- and how much they reflect my personality. I love marches. Those in cut time just blast right through, barely giving you time to get all of the notes in. If you make a mistake, it’s really no big deal because you’re barreling along so quickly that you can’t even comprehend what you’re playing. I also love 6/8 marches because, well, it’s basically like skipping. Just with music.

Songs with 3/4 timing, though…ARGH. I get so incredibly frustrated with it because you can’t pin it down, like common time, which is easily ensnared by tapping feet. But 3/4 flows. It flows beautifully, but you have to go with it. Just let it do whatever it wants, and don’t fight it. I don’t like feeling so out of control. When it’s played in one, like a waltz, it’s fine. It moves quickly. But slower, and it gives me just enough time to think about what’s going on and about how much control I don’t have.

Which is a total representation of the way I take life.

Yay metaphors!

When things are going along crazily, I get stressed out…but I don’t have too much time to think about things. When nothing is really happening, I have plenty of time to think which stresses me out way more than being busy. When I think, I worry because I realize how little control I have over everything. Obviously, worrying doesn’t give me control…so it’s really super pointless. Yet I do it anyway.

Relinquishing control and taking comfort in God’s power is something that I struggle with. I know that God is good and He is totally in control of everything, but I am most afraid of being forgotten. That nothing exciting will happen in my life and I’ll be waiting and find myself at the end and then He goes, “D’oh!” *facepalm* “I totes forgot!” And then I’ll just be completely out of luck.

I haven’t gotten all that much better at combating this with faith or logic, but what I’m challenging myself to do is enjoy life at every stage. Because if I’m always hurrying through the dance to get to the march, I’ll make it a long way down the road and remember nothing about the journey.