Feet On the Ground

As previously discussed, I love stories. Leaping into another life, figuring out the aspects of the characters and how their decisions drive the plot forward, experiencing the adventures and changes- it’s so much fun for me. That’s why I like TV shows better than movies. They continue longer, allow for more twists, more insight into the characters. I don’t understand why more people aren’t riveted to shows, but it seems as if movies are less daunting of a commitment. Books are the same way, and require even more work on the part of the audience. The characters are described, but the actions must be imagined. I can imagine them very well.

In the past few weeks it has become glaringly obvious that since I’ve been so immersed in the stories of others, I’ve forgotten the most important story. My own. There’s no adventure, no romance, no dreams or goals or even the slightest hint of an impetus. If I were a book, I’d throw myself across the room. I’m not interesting anymore. I accomplished my goal of making it out of college in one piece and now I have nothing to do.

I’ve been known to cook up some harebrained schemes in my time, but most never even took the first step toward becoming reality. Probably a good thing, because who knows where some of those would have landed me. A few things have popped into my head lately, and I realize that right now, I control the story. Will I be the girl from the small town who runs off to the city to have an adventure, or stays in the town to try to make it become important? Will I put a career first or become a housewife (or a trophy wife, haha)? Will I become a hermit and pen weighty tomes that will never see the light of day, or gain inspiration from others and write to inspire? Right now, I have absolutely no idea what will happen or what I will do, but I know that I want whatever I put effort into to be significant.

I know that the only significance that really matters can be achieved only through doing what God has willed. However, it’s sometimes completely impossible to hear His voice amidst all of the noise coming from everyone else. I wish I could close my eyes and see the path He would first choose for me, but I feel like I have absolutely no way of discerning His voice from my desires. And I’ve followed what were simply my desires for long enough to know that they don’t look so awesome once they’re right there in your hands. It’s easier to see the blemishes up close.The

Tags: uncertainty

I haven’t listened to much music lately. Don’t get me wrong- I love music. It’s a beautiful expression of emotion. But I think we use it to express concepts that we can’t quite understand. It reduces these overwhelming feelings to something that we can control and manage and withstand. Songs to the beloved, praises to God, laments of hard times. The reason that they’re still written and performed is a testament to how little humans have advanced since creation. We haven’t figured out why bad things happen, how to understand God, or how to manage our emotions. I write to understand and to learn, and I will never be able to stop writing something, somewhere, because I will never have all of the answers.

Expressing emotions and thoughts brings relief. Sometimes so much relief that things become mundane. Sing the same song in church over and over and the soaring melody becomes boring, the high praises seem to be mere compliments. Demonstrate love in the same way repeatedly and it becomes habit, no longer providing the same thrill. You forget how worthy someone is to receive what you’re giving, and how much you actually enjoyed giving it in the first place.

Since I’ve been living in relative silence for a couple weeks, it has made a huge difference in the way I see things. Rather than singing about how great God is without really feeling anything other than a release and an absolving from a duty of worship for a day, I have felt the greatness of God. His Spirit and power are so much stronger and mightier when we calm down, shut up, and allow ourselves to feel it without so quickly trying to express it. Rather than trying to break down that power into something that I think I can handle, into a smaller dose so that it is easier to stomach, I have basked in His glory. Then when it’s time to pray or worship, I do so with a whole new appreciation for who He is.

Rather than constantly bombarding yourself with reminders of how awesome God is or how much you love your significant other or how much you enjoy spending time with your friends or need your parents to stand behind you…be silent for a little while. Rather than constantly fueling it, step back and observe it. Don’t be so caught up in making it happen, but watch it and feel it and let it or them or Him remind you of what drew you there in the first place. Then let your expression of love be stronger than ever.Sto

Tags: appreciation, learning, love, music, silence

The last few weeks have been quite busy. I was away from home quite a bit. Around new people, eating new foods, taking unfamiliar modes of transportation. I had to be on the move, ready for anything, charming and upbeat. To my surprise, I was actually quite good at it. Even more surprising was that I enjoyed it.

Since I’ve returned home, I have quickly fallen back into my old ways. I have withdrawn from many people, not talking much. Hiding well so I won’t be found. Reading for hours. Thinking deeply. Being quiet. I needed time to refresh. The time away was enjoyable, but it’s not something I could handle all the time. I recharge by closing myself off. The problem is figuring out how much is enough.

Being open is such a struggle for me. The fear of rejection is there, certainly. I don’t deal well with people being mean to me. I want to be liked and accepted, and I try with valiant efforts to conduct myself in a way that will foster that acceptance. But another part of it is the energy required. Energy is a precious commodity to me, something that I don’t have much of. It takes so much from me to take the first step. To walk across the room and approach someone for a hug and hello. It kills me to send the first text message, make the first phone call. Say the first, “I love you.” We all know that, “I love you, too” is a much easier phrase to verbalize.

Yet I make myself do it. Sometimes the rejection makes me fall to my knees, never wanting to trust again. Sometimes it emboldens me, making me stubborn. I think a part of me knows it isn’t supposed to be like this. That being open is supposed to work, and after enough tries it will be. Perhaps this effort is a fool’s errand, and some people will never be changed. But as long as I am changed, my efforts are not wasted. I try to learn from every acceptance and every rejection, even though the rejections make me heartsick. There has to be a reason for them, if only to provide a contrast against the One who has never and will never reject me. If I cannot be open before God, how can I be open to people?

My introverted times are for figuring out how. What works and what doesn’t. And for reminding myself that if everyone rejects me, I can still be open to Him.

Recap: Vandalism and general creepiness is occurring at Old Sonora, a fake Wild West town that functions as a tourist attraction. Lassi hires Shawn and Gus to check it out. They discover a dead body (and subsequently run away in terror) and the case heats up. They end up figuring out that there is a gold mine under the town and someone is secretly mining. They figure out who the murderer is and clear the name of the lead suspect, the owner of the town and Lassi’s old friend. Yay team Psych!

This episode is definitely in my top 3. It was absolutely hilarious, and Shawn got to pretend to be the sheriff and wear spurs. Comedy gold. Gus had some fabulous lines as well:

“If this turns into Blazing Saddles, I’m out of here!”

I love black jokes made at Gus’s expense, by Gus himself. Another great exchange:

Lassiter: Well, while you two are sitting here playing cowboys and Indians…
Shawn: Huh-uh, just cowboys, Lassi.
Gus: Injuns is offensive.
Lassiter: I didn’t say Injuns, Guster.
Gus: That’s what I heard.
Shawn: Me too.
Lassiter: Would you just shut up? *blusters and stomps out the door*
Shawn: Man’s all hopped up on cactus juice.
Gus: *plays harmonica*

No mention of Abigail, from what I can recall. I’m glad we got some backstory on Lassiter. I mean, okay, daddy issues is kind of unoriginal…but at least it’s something. It was really nice to see his attachment to the town and Hank, that he could be motivated by something other than shooting his gun. Also, it was nice to see that Shawn got sentimental about Old Sonora too, and Henry was the one that realized it. Shawn usually has no problem distancing himself from everything and everyone, but this required some effort because he was seeing the town through Lassi’s eyes.

Bromance? Maybe a stretch. But Shawn cares. *sniff* It’s so precious, really.

Tags: Psych

I know that I’ve alluded to the fact that my father is a spineless, annoying, egotistical idiot. Or, well, maybe I’ve stated it. Anyway, I complain about my father but I’ve been remiss in not discussing how blatantly wonderful my mom is.

I wish I could be the kind of Christian she is. She believes. She soaks God up like she’s a sponge and when bad things happen and she’s confused she just goes back to her Bible and soaks it up again. At church she’s dismissed by people because she’s so humble and unassuming. She’s avoided by others because her honesty and dependability is convicting. She serves with a smile even when people take advantage of her. Despite her lack of education, she grasps spiritual concepts that make renowned theologians scratch their heads. She can pray the house off the foundation. She’s constantly growing and learning. I’ve seen her go from living in fear and hesitancy to enjoying new experiences. She never wanted to buy anything for herself, not feeling like she deserved enjoyment- but now she gets a venti latte. She didn’t laugh very often, hadn’t possessed a real sense of humor due to all of the hardships she’s encountered- but now she’ll ask if we have a new episode of The Office yet.

Her faith is awesome. I respect it because her life has been so difficult and she still believes and has her heart wide open to God. She loves Him so much.

It’s super annoying.

She’ll pray under her breath if we’re both sitting in the same room. She quotes Bible verses with maddening frequency right when you need to hear them and when you very much do not want to hear them. She has so many burdens, but she trusts that God will provide and deliver her from her trials more than she trusts the sun to rise and set.

She’s strong, whereas I am so easily discouraged. I fight with God often and I grow frustrated and angry because I can’t feel His nearness while she just knows and accepts that He resides in her heart. I can’t just quickly take Jesus at His word. I digest it, then hash it out. I argue, fuss, and fight. I believe it, but it all seems too good to be true. I just can’t trust that someone like Him could love me.

But I know that God loves Mom, and she loves me. Maybe eventually I’ll have her faith.

I love her so much.

Tags: Mom

Obligatory recap: Shawn and Gus find a billionaire who crashed his plane, and Warren Clayton’s dying wish is for then to figure out who killed him. The police think it’s an accident, but Warren’s widow, Alice, hires Shawn and Gus to figure out who killed her husband. She fires the pair when Shawn states that one of the family members killed Warren, but then they are put back on the case by Chief Vick and save the day.

Honestly, the cases on the show don’t fascinate me that much. There have been a few, of course, that were interesting, but mostly because of the environment (can we say Shawn Spenstar and Gus “TT” Showbiz?). This episode returned to the roots of why I started loving the show- the dynamic between Shawn and Gus. From Shawn using Gus as his “note to self” to introducing him simply as “Jazz Hands” to their identical assessment of someone’s golf swing. They worked so well together. I love their bromance.

The rest of the characters were a bit lame. I’m ready for Lassiter to grow some hair (did I mention that I hate buzz cuts?). I did think it was interesting that Gus reminded Shawn to check in with Abigail, and Shawn actually listened. The best lines of the show:

“There is no ‘relationship Shawn’ or ‘boyfriend Shawn’. There’s only regular Shawn and Malibu Shawn, you know that!”

I’m starting to feel like the name “Shawn” looks and sounds really weird because I’ve typed it so much in this post.

Abigail’s meddling with Shawn (!) and Henry’s relationship is really only going to land her in trouble. I’m interested to see how it changes them, and to see how ‘boyfriend Shawn’ handles things. Is it just me, or was he really testy about Henry this ep? I feel like things have improved greatly for them over time, and the bickering is just there because that’s all they know how to do. It doesn’t seem to really have much of a basis now.

Psych writers, please give us more Buzz McNab action. I love him.

Overall, this ep didn’t really advance anything about the show, just reminded us how perfect S&G are together. I’m okay with that, but very excited about “High Noonish” coming on in 48 hours and 44 minutes. This should be quite interesting.

Tags: Psych, TV

I’m really struggling.

I’ll just be flat out honest about it, right here on my blog, because most people who have one conversation with me can probably see it anyway. I’m really, really, REALLY bitter and miserable right now. About many things. But there is one thing that keeps coming up, stronger and bigger each time, and I have to confront this before it kills any will that I have to overcome it. I know that saying that I struggle with this is showing that I’m weak, and that I’m no better than what I hate. I know it’s irrational. That there are exceptions, and that what I see may not even be the norm.

Regardless of that…I hate men.

I know that my mom will read this and get frown lines in her forehead at the word hate, and that there are some men that I actually love that will read this and be offended, and I don’t mean to hurt anyone else. I’ve been hurt by countless people, but it’s about a million times worse when a man does something to hurt me. I was hurt when my father left, and when my grandfather was silent, and when the man that I fell in love with refused to be seen in public with me.

All men have done is hurt me with their cowardice.

I think feminism is ridiculous, but I see why it was born. Because men refused to be disciplined and to lead. They want the perks of leadership, and in Christian settings will twist the word of God so that they will have authority. But they won’t do anything to actually deserve that role or those perks, and so women have had to suffer and do their own work plus take on the role of a man. I watched my mother work herself into the ground for years because my father is a spineless idiot.

Men should not abuse their authority. But they should stand up and be leaders. God has placed a role inside of every man to be a leader, even if it’s in his own household- which is one of the most important responsibilities a man can be given. Men are just so darn weak. They think that watching sports and working out and drinking beer and cursing and driving fast makes them strong, but it doesn’t. They think that talking about emotions makes them weak, but a man who can realize that he loves a woman and desires to unite with her, to protect and provide for her, to be a warrior for her and to build a home for his children and stick with them because he loves them is among the strongest men that have ever existed.

I’m bitter toward men because I want to do things the proper way. I want to have a good life and be strong and pull my weight and do what I’m called to do and all of that stuff that sounds really, really good. Not just in a romantic setting, but also in friendships and in my church and in my family. But I haven’t been able to find men that are willing to step up and pull their weight. A few try and do a decent job at it, but I can’t help but think about how much better the body of Christ would be if men stepped up and did what they should do and weren’t afraid to risk failure, fail, get back up and identify what they did wrong. If they are strong enough to risk failure, many times they’re not strong enough to admit it when they do fail. And nothing is gained.

I want to be in love and in a great relationship. I want to work hard at it and find someone who will match my determination step for step and lead me when I falter and support me when I’m afraid. I want to learn what it means to support a man and help him to be strong. I want to do it the right way. I want my church to be great and to be packed every service because they’re receiving something great from the leadership- from the pulpit. I want to support the leaders by connecting with people in a way that the pastors can’t. But I can’t do either of these things alone. I can’t do them at all, because there’s no one to lead.

I refuse to follow an idiot down the wrong path.

I’m trying to let God strengthen me through this, and to learn as much as He wants to teach me so it won’t feel like this time is being wasted. It’s so painful that I can’t approach the issue without wanting to rip my heart out. I had to stop halfway through To Own a Dragon by Don Miller because it was so true to the situation and I was in agony the entire time I was reading it. I don’t know how to make it better or overcome this or get rid of this bitterness and hate. I know that holding onto these toxic feelings will poison me, but I haven’t been able to let go and to forgive and to let it all be better.

I really wish God was available for hugs, but I feel like He got so tired of me that He left, too. Maybe it really is my fault.

Tags: father, men, pain, romance

Summer is drawing to a close. Many people I know are getting ready to go back to school. For the first time in 16 years, I’m nearing fall (my favorite season) without the expectation of starting a new academic year.

I’m kind of terrified.

Despite all of the nonsense that schools put me through, and the difficulty making friends and all of the papers that really just didn’t want to be written, the fall semester was always something I saw as an adventure. Something new, but not totally unfamiliar. I was good at school. Doing well came pretty naturally. Honestly, I could have worked so much harder…but I didn’t really have to. Sometimes I wonder what could have happened had I applied myself with more focus and dedication, but I just didn’t have the desire.

Now I’m presented with the necessity of getting a job, the desire to write, and no idea of how to to do either one. I’m completely out of my element.

^1-3 At about this same time he again found himself with a hungry crowd on his hands. He called his disciples together and said, “This crowd is breaking my heart. They have stuck with me for three days, and now they have nothing to eat. If I send them home hungry, they’ll faint along the way—some of them have come a long distance.” (Mark 8:1-3, The Message)

I ran across the reference of Mark 8 twice on the same day. Knowing what this means, I’ve been reading it a few times a day since then, trying to figure out the significance. I don’t think I have all of it yet, but part of it is blatantly obvious. What stands out here, at the beginning, is that Jesus hurt for the people who had stuck by Him. They suffered simply to spend time around Him, to hear Him speak and to soak in His presence. What better compliment could they have given? But He wasn’t oblivious to the honor or to their plight. They suffered because of Him, and if you read on, He made it all better.

He brings it up again later, when the disciples whine about being hungry. He reminds them of doing the same miracle TWICE- providing food. He didn’t even use it as a metaphor for them. He set the precedent, reinforced it, and then did a big *facepalm* because they didn’t remember that He would provide. He hadn’t lost the ability or the will.

He probably did stall a little bit. And their blood sugar dropped, making them feel grouchy. Then He probably stalled some more, because apparently He likes to do that. They may have lost a couple pounds. But ultimately, the situation was under control. He took care of it and He came through and He wanted them to remember and trust that He would, without question.

So…I’m terrified about the future. And while I’m terrified, I have to remember to believe. That He fed me, and fed me again, and the warmed up leftovers were even more delicious than the first time it was served, and that He was both concerned about feeding my spirit and my belly.

So I know I’m like 6 days late, but I really wanted to start doing reviews of a couple shows when the new seasons started up to add something a little different to my blog. I love TV. Watching the stories unfold and the characters grow and change is so much fun. In my opinion, so much more rewarding than movies, which are over so quickly. Psych is probably the most hilarious show, um, ever. You should watch it.

Quick recap of this episode: Shawn and Gus go to Vancouver for a ski trip. While there, Shawn recognizes this man- Pierre Despereaux- as an art thief that Lassiter had been hunting for a long time. Lassi and Jules head up to help Shawn sniff him out, and Shawn and Gus get into plenty of trouble on their own. More likely, Shawn gets himself and Gus into plenty of trouble. Including getting arrested and Henry coming to bail them out of jail because Shawn has already maxed out Gus’s credit card.

There are some wonderfully comedic moments and lines in this episode. Like when Shawn and Gus are skiing down the hill trying to chase Despereaux: “Pizza slice to slow down, french fries to speed up!” Or when Gus is trying to get through the security laser beams in the museum with Shawn’s instructions: “Spread your cheeks if you can. Scratch that. Abort cheek spreading!” And, of course, “Right hand green! Right hand green!” “That’s Twister, Shawn!” “Oh, right. Why don’t we play that anymore?”

Gus makes it through, panting and triumphant. Then Shawn walks straight through the beams. The lasers were turned off.

So of course there were some amazing comedic moments, but what I really love about this show is that it’s so funny while having some poignancy simultaneously. Lassi was thrown off by having his gun taken away and everyone thinking that he worked for “Head Detective Spencer.” He is completely defined by his job and all of his confidence comes from his performance there. But Shawn gets thrown off too, as Despereaux tricks him repeatedly and no one believes him. He has become so accustomed to his ‘job’ and the thrill of solving the puzzle that he is really similar to Lassiter in this regard, just with a completely different style.

Then there’s the whole relationship angle. Although James Roday is adorable, Shawn would be the worst boyfriend ever. I love his interactions with Juliet, but he plays with her emotions so much. Typical man- unable to commit. Anyway, I wouldn’t mind them getting together if Shawn could settle down a bit, but Jules doesn’t deserve being thrown around like this. I wonder why Shawn could so easily commit to Abigail, who wasn’t even in the episode yet was so prevalent the entire time, and refuse to admit to how much he really cares for Jules.

Overall, this episode retained the qualities that made me love Psych to begin with while setting up a few angles to explore in future episodes. I’m anxious to see what will happen now that Shawn is in a relationship and Lassi is divorced. Where is the chief’s child? Even her husband. I need more Buzz, stat. Gus needs a woman. Jules needs more of a life. Lassi needs to grow his hair out immediately. I hate buzz cuts on men.

New ep tomorrow!! Yay!

This is my favorite Jonny Lang song. Listen to it.

Dont stop ( for anything ) – Jonny Lang

Are you listening? Okay, so I know that I’ve been harping on the same topic, about moving forward, but OMG IT’S SO OBVIOUS and God will totally not shut up about it and it’s driving me nuts. I feel like I heard this part for the first time the other day:

Only thing that’s holding me back
Is my inability to be grateful
Today I’ve finally had enough
I’m sick and tired of this kind of life
Listen to the voice inside

That is SO my problem. I have this ideal situation in my head, and then when it happens I’m worried about something else. It’s not that I’m unappreciative, I’m just too afraid of the future to be really thankful. Yet if I’m not thankful for what God has already done, why would He do anything more? I know this, but I struggle with it nonetheless. I always want more security. Yet it’s there, God’s love is really all the security that I need- there’s nothing else that could be stronger and better able to protect and provide. I just always want something that’s a little more tangible.

I really am tired of it. I’m miserable just sitting around and not accomplishing anything, but my feet seem to be rooted in fear. It’s horrible. I really need to listen to the voice inside, but I haven’t been. So right now, I seem to have the imprint of a very large foot right on my butt, and God is totally trying to look nonchalant up there on His throne and is COMPLETELY failing, I might add.

I know that He is just helping me out, giving me a boost so I won’t remain stagnant for too long. I don’t want to be so scared, so timid. I don’t want to retreat every time someone attacks my character or comes against me or Satan tries to get me to give up. Because really, all types of offense and persecution are motivated by Satan. It’s so sad when people are simply trying to hurt one another, not realizing that they are being completely manipulated. I can’t control what anyone else does, but I can control what I do and my response to adversity. I used to think that I couldn’t make it, that I could be taken out pretty easily. But I’ve made it until now, and I’m going to keep going.

Joyce Meyer is on TV right now, and she just said this: There is no one with a bad attitude that is enjoying their life.

So true. I had such a horrible attitude for most of my life. I’ve been so annoyed, so depressed, so upset, or so overwhelmed that my functionality has been SO reduced. What could I have already accomplished if I wasn’t always taken out by the slightest bit of adversity? How do I change? How do I stop letting everything stop me?