Feet On the Ground

People may be surprised by this, but I’ve always been hesitant and afraid to voice my opinions on things. Before you scoff at this, let me explain. Certain things I can express with vehemence- my hatred for Crocs, for example. Yet when it’s time for me to assert myself to mention something that I enjoy or support, I stumble and feel a bit guilty. It’s like I don’t think that I really deserve to have an opinion. No, that’s really not true…it’s that I don’t think I deserve to enjoy anything.

I’m constantly uncovering things about myself that I didn’t know, and most of them are just new layers in the same issues. This one is part of the issue of not finding myself worthy of happiness or enjoyment. Many people think that this is something given by default. You exist, therefore you have some innate rights. Personally, I have always felt that people play on this a little too much, like, when they are lazy bums and do absolutely nothing to contribute to society and live on government handouts. I’m not talking about people who truly need welfare and are trying, you know. I live in West Virginia, we have plenty of both. Anyway, I always feel like I’m not doing enough, or working hard enough, or I’m just generally undeserving.

I’m trying to realize that I have intrinsic worth, but it’s hard sometimes. So here, on my blog, for anyone to see, I’m going to tell you some of the things that I love. My guilty pleasures. My necessities that I’m sure many people do not understand.

I have to go to Starbucks and get a chai at least twice a week. It’s more than the chai itself- it’s the whole experience of just being here (yes, I’m here right now, in a Starbucks hours from home, yet feeling right at home). It’s relaxing. I love to read, but lately I don’t want to read anything besides chick lit. My English degree is curling up in shame. Queen of Babble by Meg Cabot is in my purse right now. I love shoes. Brightly colored high heels. Pumps. Sandals. They’re beautiful, and they make me happy. I love the fall. It’s my favorite season. The air gets crisp and I can wear boots- probably my favorite footwear. I also love to dress in bright colors. I don’t care if I get accused of being flashy. I like sparkles and shimmers and shiny things. They make me feel better. If I’m down, I wear something orange. I love jewelry and I recently developed a fondness for watches.

I LOVE TV. I know so many people think that TV shows are a waste of time, but I love seeing the characters. Getting to know them. Watching the story unfold. I like character-driven TV shows over plot-driven ones, because I’m interested in the people. I like to know how the actors relate to the character and make them seem real. Another reason for loving fall is for season and series premieres. I dislike sitcoms immensely, as a rule. I want an hour long drama or dramedy. I think Psych is the most hilarious and well-written TV show I’ve ever seen. I like snappy dialogue and snarky characters. I love Jack Bauer and Dr. House. I wanted to be a forensic pathologist and that didn’t work out so well, so I live vicariously through Bones.

I love Twitter. It’s just fun. I tweet far too often and my own cousin won’t even follow me because of that, even though he may tweet more than I do. I love spending time with my family every Friday night. I like having a good dose of alone time, but I like when someone randomly calls me and wants to hang out. I like when people tell me that I’m beautiful. I want one of my best friends to live within 10 minutes of me again. I like going to a big church. I like candy and junk food and Pepsi rather than Coke because Coke has a weird taste. I love Taco Bell nachos and McDonalds sweet tea and I wish Bojangles would come to West Virginia.

I’m sure I like many other things, but that’s all I can come up with right now. So there you have it- I’m admitting that I have some very opinionated preferences.

Most of my relationships have at least a small layer of distrust somewhere. It may be on the surface, guarding everything that I say to them. Or it may be buried, deep enough so that I don’t really think about it that much, until they do something that reminds me why I didn’t fully trust them in the first place, and I feel justified. There are only a handful of people that I trust, really trust, and I wish that I wasn’t so guarded all the time. Even if it doesn’t cause me to argue with them, it does have an effect on the relationship. The other person can tell if you don’t trust them or if you’re guarded around them- it’s more obvious than we think. I know it’s just there to prevent me from getting hurt, and I don’t know how to let it down and be vulnerable without totally crashing down when I get hurt.

One of the songs that we did at church this morning was about God being the lover of our souls, dancing with Him and being romanced by Him. There was a lyric that says, “With You I will go, You are my love, You are my fair one.” Even though I’d heard this song before, that line just hit somewhere in my heart that has been so clouded by fear and pain that it hasn’t really felt life…maybe, ever. I know that all types of love originate from God, and that His love is all-encompassing and that He can love us in every way that we can be loved by other people, just far more fully than a human could ever express. But sometimes it’s so hard to understand and accept His love in any capacity, whether it’s as a father or a friend and especially not as a lover- despite being called the bride of Christ.

I have spent so much time and energy trying to figure Him out, to see who He really is, and I get frustrated when I really get nowhere. It’s like all of that effort amounts to nothing. But today, it was like He just told me that I didn’t have to fight anymore. That He wants to do the work in the relationship, He wants to take the lead in the dance and pull me closer to Himself. It can’t be a fight or a struggle, we have to move forward together, in step, complementing one another to the fullest degree. And as I perfect my overall relationship with Him, every other type of relationship I have will work out better because I’ll understand them more, just from my interactions with Him. It’s really an exciting prospect. I’m ready to learn how to interact with Him in a new way.

There are certain things that you just can’t quite understand until you’re right there in the thick of it. I always thought that the verse that says to work out your own salvation with fear and trembling was really weird and confusing (Phil. 2:12, btw). I mean, working out your own salvation? Didn’t I already accept that? Fear and trembling? I know that we’re supposed to “fear God” in the sense of being reverent before Him, but this just doesn’t sound fun at all.

I’m starting to comprehend, though, the whole idea of every person’s journey being vastly different- yet at the same time, we’re all called for a purpose in God’s kingdom and ultimately (and most basically) to simply be loved by God and to love Him in return. But every person has different struggles and will learn things in a different way. That’s why, for example, Rob Bell and Mark Driscoll and Joel Osteen can all survive as preachers despite being vastly different from one another, and that’s part of the beauty of the whole kingdom working together.

Now, the fear and trembling part…that’s what’s hard for me. I’ve said before, I know, about being a fearful person. However, the whole idea here is to continue working while fearing and trembling. I’m sure that despite his lofty words and big steps of faith, David was at least just a little nervous when he faced Goliath. Yet he went ahead and did it. Sometimes the fear and trembling makes me want to stop in my tracks, but lately I’ve seen that right now, it’s requiring me to big up a giant ax (a metaphorical one, of course- my arms are a bit scrawny) and hack my way through the forest. I’m the one that has to put it in motion, because God requires us to do some work too. Not that what we can do on our own is really very effective, and not that He requires us to take the brunt of it, but we have to go forward and we have to do something. If I stop now, it might be like this forever, and I can’t let that happen.

I’m really excited about doing my first book review for LitFUSE Publicity. The book is Religion Saves + 9 Other Misconceptions by Mark Driscoll. Mark is the lead preaching pastor for Mars Hill Church in Seattle. Here’s a blurb about the book:

After 343,203 online votes on the Mars Hill Church website, nine questions for Pastor Mark Driscoll emerged as the ones most urgently calling for answers.

Inspired by 1 Corinthians, in which Paul answers a series of questions posed by the people in the Corinthian church, Pastor Mark Driscoll set out to determine the most controversial questions among visitors to the Mars Hill Church website. In the end, 893 questions were asked and 343,203 votes were cast. The top nine questions are now each answered in a chapter of Religion Saves.

After an introductory chapter devoted to the misconception that religion is what saves us, Driscoll tackles nine issues: birth control, humor, predestination, grace, sexual sin, faith and works, dating, the emerging church, and the regulative principle. Because the purpose of this book is to address commonly asked questions, all readers will find relevant, engaging material, written in Driscoll’s distinctively edgy, yet theologically sound style.

This book requires some intensive reading- which I like. I had to be fully engaged the entire time so that I wouldn’t miss one bit of his explanations. Sometimes Mark can come across a bit dry, even in his sermons, but he is presenting a large amount of weighty information in a short amount of time so I think that is just something that comes with the medium. He interjects sarcasm at the most random moments, which seems to offend some people…but I love it. It’s part of his unique voice that he continues to develop over time. He even defends this well in his section about humor! I enjoy Mark because he is relevant to popular culture and the current struggles in society without compromising Biblical teachings.

Mark’s strength lies in his ability to explain complex spiritual issues in a clear, intelligent manner. I think this comes from being based in Seattle, in a region that is the direct opposite of my Bible belt! His church wouldn’t survive if he couldn’t make his case in a believable, convincing manner. After reading this book, I feel that I am more prepared to defend my beliefs about certain topics to people around me, and ultimately that I can better prove that religion itself does NOT save. I want to be able to debunk this misconception with people around me, and show them that the only true salvation will come through a strong, working relationship with Christ.

My favorite topic to hear Mark explain is relationships. He brings to awareness the practical steps that the Bible tells us to take to have a successful relationship. I think that the church often tries to generalize relationships and use ambiguous terms to define them, forgetting that they take work and dedication. Mark points this out, and it’s refreshing. I also enjoy his talks about grace, faith and works. He struggles to accept grace, like many people do (I think part of this may be his Catholic background coming to the fore), and it’s nice to see the process of working through it. The chapters about birth control and humor are well researched, and the chapter on sexual sin is presented with love and a call to awareness rather than trying to invoke guilt and shame. I had never heard of the regulative principle in those terms, but it was pretty awesome to read about something that affects every aspect of our lives.

This is a really valuable book to read if you struggle to figure out what to believe or even why you believe. Do I agree with absolutely everything Mark says? No, and that’s a good thing. No one is ever always right. It was interesting to read about the emerging and emergent church, because everyone should be aware of these movements in Christianity, but I wasn’t too pleased with the way that some people were labeled. For example, I believe that Rob Bell has a true heart for Christ and is doing great things for the kingdom. Although I haven’t been as pleased with his preaching style lately or his latest book as I have been with him in the past, I don’t think that he is preaching heresy and I believe that some passages from Velvet Elvis were taken out of context. Is Rob Bell always right? No. Is he completely wrong? No. Some people who would be complete put off by Mark’s style can listen to Rob and understand him. It just takes discernment to know where people are missing the mark, and that’s a constant challenge to any believer. Something to keep us alert!

Despite these misgivings, I really enjoyed the book and I feel even stronger in my personal beliefs after reading it. Not that the text really had to convince me one way or another, but it explained issues I’d honestly never considered and made me more aware of aspects of my relationship with Christ that I had been neglecting. While I prefer to actually listen to Mark preach, because I think that’s his strength, I know that I will refer back to this book in the future and I will definitely pursue other titles written by him.

If you want to read some other reviews, the schedule for the blog tour is here. If you want to read or listen to an excerpt from Religion Saves, go here!

Thanks for reading, ya’ll!

I live so much of my life in fear. I’m afraid to do well, most things. Sure, I get a certain amount of excitement or thrill out of doing something that makes me afraid because I always survive through it. Yet I think there are degrees of survival. Sure, if I ride a roller coaster and make it through to the end, that’s 100% survival. But if I go into a big group of people and have to socialize, there are definitely varying degrees of success and survival there. I may make it out quickly, and relatively unscathed…or I might be completely miserable because no one is talking to me, and I can leave nearly in tears over the feeling of rejection.

Fear is a constant for me. Max Lucado’s new book is entitled Fearless, and his Twitter updates have been thought provoking lately. I can’t imagine fearing nothing, or even ignoring my fears. I’ve gotten to the point where some of my fears don’t loom as large as before, or I know that I can overcome them so I can go forth in certain situations with absolutely no hesitation. I always have to look at my fears head on, and decide if the possible rewards are worth the terror that I’ll feel through most of the journey.

I definitely fear less often and fewer things than I did even last year. I have more freedom in myself and in most situations. I cannot imagine being fearless. That thought makes me fear that I would be reckless. So if fearlessness brings fear, how can one ever be rid of fear?

It’s a predicament.

We all have a tendency to fear, of course. Why else in the Bible are humans constantly told, “Fear not!” Even though I read these instructions, I cannot imagine this ultimately free state of being. Even though I know that God will take care of me, I feel trepidation when I think of every area of my life. Not finding a job, finding a job that makes me miserable, not writing out the story that’s in my head, writing out that story and having it rejected, having my story published and not selling, writing a bestseller and being unable to repeat it, spending my life alone, getting married and being miserable, getting married and being happy and having evil children, having wonderful children and failing as a parent, never having money, having money and being foolish with it…………….

Yeah.

So, while I can’t imagine being fearless, I’ve at least realized that I cannot be completely stymied by them. If I allowed them to stop me, I’d never do anything. Some situations that used to terrify me I can now confront with ease. Maybe others will soon be the same way, and eventually I can be fearless, or at least consider the possibility. Until then, I’ll wrestle with my fears, and confront them, and do it all afraid.

It’s so weird to think about how much we screw up. Sometimes the actions and consequences aren’t large or important on any sort of grand scale at all, but they can just loom ahead of us like a giant tidal wave that takes forever to crest and break. I think this is when God is trying to get our attention. That He isn’t trying to threaten us or ruin our lives, but He wants us to wake up. To see what we were doing if we were unaware, or to make us realize that He means serious business when He warns us not to do something.

I talk so much about being afraid that God won’t rescue me, that He won’t be there for me. Yet when I really need His help, I run flailing to Him, realizing how much I really DO need Him and that there is seriously no other way out of this than for Him to rescue me. To catch me up in His arms and shield me from harm. He teaches me to fight and to be strong and to do what I can, to be His representative, but sometimes it gets to the point where He just has to step in and do everything. I realize that I need to expect Him to do this and trust Him to do it at the right moment…but I also need to listen to Him when I’m totally doing the wrong thing so that I’ll stop making such a fool of myself.

Broad topic, short blog. No real thesis, just rambling, even taking a song line for my title because I can’t think of one. Whoops! Hehe.

I rant quite a bit about Christians and Christianity in general simply because I think the church is so ineffective as a whole. We keep getting caught up in insignificant details and missing the whole point altogether. It’s not that people intend to be bad at it, we just naturally are. But the point is that we should get better at it, at everything. This is my absolute favorite CS Lewis quote, from Mere Christianity:

“It is, of course, quite true that God will not love you any the less, or have less use for you, if you happen to have been born with a very second-rate brain. He has room for people with very little sense, but He wants every one to use what sense they have. [...] God is no fonder of intellectual slackers than of any other slackers. If you are thinking of becoming a Christian, I warn you, you are embarking on something which is going to take the whole of you, brains and all. But, fortunately, it works the other way round. Anyone who is honestly trying to be a Christian will soon find his intelligence being sharpened: one of the reasons why it needs no special education to be a Christian is that Christianity is an education itself.”

I’ve met so many people who are really only good at playing church and “being a good Christian.” They’re boring. They’re not relatable. They wait around for Sunday because they feel like their whole life is just wrapped up in the church because that’s where they’re “serving God.” I’m not saying that every single Christian should aspire to be a genius, but Jesus said that He came to give us life more abundantly. So why are Christians so bad at living? As soon as we exit the church, we’re like a bunch of lost sheep. Is it a fear of sinning? Of looking stupid? Why can’t we do something amazing during the week and return to church rejoicing rather than simply going back to church to do the same old thing?

We sing this really horrible song in service sometimes called “Draw Me Nearer.” I hate it. Every time we go into it I want to take a flying leap offstage and run out the door. “Draw me nearer blessed Lord to the cross where Thou hast DIEEEEEDDD. Draw me nearer, nearer blessed LOOOORRRRDDDD to Thy precious bleeeeeding siiiiiiiide….” oh dear. It’s torture fit for an episode of 24. It’s also completely irrelevant. I refuse to sing it. I, for one, to NOT want to be drawn nearer to the cross where Jesus died because 1) He is no longer there 2) He is no longer dead and 3) His side stopped bleeding a LONG time ago.

This is why the church is so STUCK. We refuse to move on from dead Jesus, who got over being dead a long time ago, and we just park it at the cross and stare up at it, waiting for it to do tricks, while Jesus is trying to get us to move on. The Bible only says one thing about laying down- and that’s to GET UP. We should always be moving forward and progressing- but we’re not. So the rest of the world has passed us by, and the effects are seen everywhere. I mean, look at Christian media. The quality is often terrible and uncreative because people think that we have to do the same old thing over and over to “stay true to what God did” or some such nonsense, forgetting that God is creative and wants us to be creative as well. Society changes, and we have to stay with it. Paul realized the importance of being all things to all people, and Jesus always got down on someone else’s level so that He could relate to them. Why can’t the church do the same thing?

We’re not smarter, but we think we’re better and that we know it all. I’m beginning to think that we really don’t know anything about living, and that’s something we should redeem posthaste. I’m not that great at it myself, but I’m ready to try to figure it out. Maybe I won’t become an expert, but I’ll try.

Timing has always been an issue in my life. Whenever I want something or for something to happen, it doesn’t…until I almost don’t care anymore. I never get one of those big *moments* where everything happens and it’s perfect and there is an orchestra playing in the background and the Hallelujah Chorus starts and life is just ~wonderful~. Um, no. It’s more like the video and audio are out of sync, and my lips are moving but no sound emerges until they’re closed.

So I always come back to this question: how late is too late? Even if you can forgive someone for hurting you, sometimes it crosses a line where the relationship cannot be restored to its former luster. Something is lost. Or a dream fades because it takes way too long to happen and either 1) you care about it so much that you have to forget about it for self-preservation or 2) you realize that you didn’t care about it very much at all, so it’s not really that difficult to release all of that hope for it. Sometimes you just don’t want it anymore.

Then there’s the recovery time. Do you need time to understand why you gave up on something and learn whatever lesson this situation is supposed to teach? Or just take a leap into something else with reckless abandon? Some things can just be counted as a fluke, like you just know that it isn’t really consequential and you can’t make yourself upset about it if you tried. Other things feel SO important, like there is definitely a reason that it did or did not work out and you must figure it out before you move on.

Then other times, you can hang on to believing for something with a bullheaded determination and you feel like you will die believing for it no matter how many people scoff at you. What makes the difference? Why can I be so doggedly determined in some areas and in others completely fearful? I can be talked into defeat quickly in some areas and in others I absolutely refuse to give up for a very long time. Now I realize that with some things, I had to hang on for a certain amount of time for various reasons. But with others, well, I’m only 21 and so…I have no idea what the limit is, or how late is too late. Maybe it will never be too late, and maybe I’ll never give up. But it’s sadder to think of never realizing a dream than to give up on one dream and find that another is even better.

Sometimes there’s only one dream that makes life make sense.

Although I really love to have a good belly laugh, I generally prefer things that make me smirk to things that make me crack up. I love sarcasm. Also, I’m not feeling particularly creative today. So, while this entire letter may or may not be true at all, and I saw it on Facebook, the last line is completely spot on and it’s my blog so what I find funny, you shall see:

An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week, which I quote:

“If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington , DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period.

That means you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the US, than you are in Iraq.”

Conclusion: The US should pull out of Washington.

————

*smirk*

I love to have good discussions. I had a couple conversations the other day that were amazing and that I’m not likely to forget anytime soon. They were just what I needed. Sometimes, though, I just don’t want to talk. Last night, all I wanted was someone to come over and just…watch a movie with me. I didn’t want to discuss it, I didn’t want to think about anything, I just wanted to be entertained and have someone there.

I love to be wanted and needed, and I think uselessness is the worst feeling I’ve ever had. I like connecting with people and finding out about them. Yet sometimes I just need to be alone, without anyone demanding anything of me. Too much of either isn’t good- I need a balance. Extroverts are the well-liked people, and everyone is told that they should aspire to be like them. Except for the bookish introverts, and we’re told to do what we do best and think for everyone else and write what we know so we can enlighten the rest of the world. Yeah, it doesn’t work like that. We need to be accepted, too. We need to connect rather than hear that we should change to fit everyone else’s mold. Because when we try to offer something ~enlightening~, like we were told to do, it is ignored because, well, what do we know? We don’t have “real lives!”

Reading and writing is just what I do. It’s natural to me, like breathing. But sometimes when everything is discussed and all of the core issues are hashed out down to the very tiny details…there still isn’t an answer. I’m good at identifying what I feel- which I’m learning is sometimes a skill that is rarely found. Sometimes I have absolutely no idea what I want or what would make me feel better. I’m finally starting to accept that although I am desperate for certain things to change, I don’t have control over them. I can’t form a solution. I have no options, and I’m stuck. I want to be action-oriented, and I’m trapped.

Sometimes I just need to be. It seems like a cop-out, but it isn’t. At times, God wants us to be still. It works, because He never is. He’s constantly working on our next steps, on our future, and working to make it beautiful and right and holy. I’m just not supposed to step out there yet. So rather than take a step and fall on my face, I’m going to be still and rest. What better way to be able to hear my instructions when they are delivered?