Feet On the Ground

I thought that law school was going to be an opportunity for me to reinvent myself. Instead, I’m seeing that it’s an opportunity to actually be who I really am. Who I was afraid to show at home and around people that I thought would judge me.

We’re told in school to be candid about our conduct because if we aren’t, we might not be able to sit for the bar exam. In essence, that would mean that the 3 years spent slaving away and falling deeper into debt for nothing. We’re told to be cautious with our online profiles and to strongly consider taking them down for professional reasons.

I chose to start this blog and use my real name on here and on Twitter because I love connecting with authors and people online that use their real names and show who they truly are. Most of them are Christians, but a few aren’t and I choose to connect with all of them because of their candor and honesty. Some of them get called out because they’re so honest, and it’s harder to be transparent in Christian circles because most of them can be so judgemental.

I have to let myself be transparent and honest on here. I’m going to try to start living that way as much as possible. I fear that this will cause people to say that I turned into a heathen when I moved away, but it’s not that. At all.

I love Jesus so, so much. I love people fiercely and want to serve others. But I’m also sarcastic, callous and at times, uncouth. I find things funny that I probably shouldn’t. I’m passionate about putting priorities where they should be. I can be sweet, but it’s usually with a little bit of a bite, too. That’s how I am. I don’t know why God wired me that way, but I think and feel deeply and differently than a good portion of people. I’m starting to think that it’s not wrong, it’s just different. A good portion of my time has been spent in a world and around people who say don’t drink/cuss/have sex, be pretty but not too pretty, be smart but not too smart because then you’re a nerd, don’t watch movies with a rating higher than PG, enjoy life but not too much, love God but don’t be too serious about it unless everyone else around you is, love people but only the right people, dress fashionably but don’t spend too much money on it, don’t go on vacation unless it’s with the right people, give money away but not too much and make sure you give it to the right places, read books but just the evangelical ones or books on fasting, pray but not too loudly and on and on. It’s too much and it’s too hard to fit in and strike the right balance.

I need to be okay with being different. Maybe eventually I’ll be able to thrive on it.

I don’t want it to harm me professionally or personally, but I also want to be honest about who I am.

I’m fallible and I’m imperfect and I should be studying right now.

Tags: me

There’s something that’s going around on Facebook that makes me extremely angry. This is being posted by teenagers and girls in their early 20s who got knocked up:

“There’s a new group of real live super heroes & they’re popping up everywhere. They can easily do the work of two people all on their own. They’re strong & determined, yet gentle & sensitive. They can kiss away boo boos & scare away the boogie man in a single bound. Millions of kids everywhere look up to them. They’re called single moms.”

HA, I say. HA HA HA.

I was raised by a single mother. A woman who had me at 23, stayed with my grandma for two weeks after I was born because she nearly bled to death, and then moved into her own place and never once went back to live with anyone else. I can’t tell you how many girls I’ve known over the past couple years that had kids and are still living with their parents or living off of welfare and buying themselves sparkly things just because they can. And they’re being celebrated for it.

Rubbish.

I saw my mom not know where money was going to come from and get on her knees to pray for an answer. I saw my mom work her fingers to the bone so that we could get OFF of welfare and even when we qualified for it, she refused to take it as soon as we could survive. We always had cable, our utilities never got turned off, and I wasn’t allowed to get a cell phone or internet before she knew we could afford it. We drove horrible cars that were falling apart. I was made fun of into college for not having nice things. I’m still emotionally scarred from my horrible relationship with my horrible father. My mom has always been the person in the background picking up slack for the prideful, showy, lazy people and asking for no recognition in return.

Being a single mother is not fun. Being the child of a single mother isn’t fun either.

A child is NOT a doll, prop or accessory. It’s not like a small dog you can carry around in your purse. It’s a human being, and a single mother (or father!) is totally responsible for that human’s life. It should be terrifying and it should terrify these girls into action- not into lazing around on Facebook patting each other on the back. A babysitter can kiss booboos and scare the boogieman. Guess what? My mom raised me entirely on her own and never once enlisted the help of a babysitter. My grandparents watched me on very rare occasions. Before I started school, we would sit at home for days because we had to walk everywhere and couldn’t really afford to do anything.

She washed all of my baby clothes in the bathtub and hung them up to dry. She said that moving a mile and a half from our old place into a two bedroom apartment in town when I was a year old was such a blessing that it made her cry. She could finally walk to get groceries rather than ask for a ride.

We had little…but we had traditions and did special things. Every Sunday we went roller skating. When I started piano lessons, we went to Taco Bell and bowling after my lesson. We did what we could and eked out every bit of fun we could. We didn’t have much, but she instilled in me to keep the little that I had in good condition and cared for.

The kind of single mother that deserves to be lauded is too busy to ask for recognition.

Tags: appreciation, controversy, Mom

I had a going away party yesterday. I had it a little early because my beloved aunt is going to have surgery this week and she, of course, had to be a part of everything. She’s having her reconstruction surgery after completely defeating cancer. She didn’t even have to have radiation or chemotherapy. She’s so strong and faithful and God is SO awesome. Anyway.

So, if I defined success by the number of people who apparently gave a crap about me moving away to be bothered enough to come to my party, I’d be a big blasted failure.

You know who came? THE PEOPLE I’M GOING TO TALK TO ANYWAY. *headdesk* I’m not kidding…nearly half of the people that came I had seen that week. I invited so many people that I don’t get to see that often and might never see again, thinking that it would be so cool to have everyone in one place. A couple people had legitimate excuses- my bff came for 30 minutes because she had to go, ya know, be a bridesmaid in a wedding…and we totally hung out last night anyway. But some people gave very vague excuses. I don’t consider, “I had stuff to do!” a legitimate reason to not come to my party. You know what the real reason was? I don’t care about your party.

The only people that showed up from church were my band guys and their wives. A couple people that I have met from church were there- but they don’t go anymore and I don’t consider them “church friends” anyway. I consider them “real friends” and it’s sad that there is a difference between the two.

But for the rest of people at church? Their reason? I don’t care.

The party was at the church.

The people there pride themselves on being so perfect. Yet they are so selfish, so awful, and so stuck up their own asses that they can’t even think about honoring someone else. If I’m truly honest with you, and that’s something that I just can’t keep out of my writing…the thing that makes me happiest about moving away is that I won’t have to come up with excuses to myself about why I’m not going to church.

Here’s the reason. Flat out there. Not an excuse, a reason. I can’t stand most of the people at my church.

Now, I have a pastor that I love here, and a choir member there, and the guys in the horn section, and their wives…and a couple of the greeters, and the woman that works the information desk, and some people in the congregation that I wave to on occasion…

…and that’s, honestly, about it.

But those people? Those people are AMAZING beyond belief and I will never forget them. Ever. They are going to have places of the highest honor in heaven because they’re that spectacular.

Yet I find the majority so clueless, so obnoxious, and so flat out rude and lazy that I hate that they’re the picture of Jesus to our community.

How can they coexist in the same organization?

It’s sickening sometimes. The place operates haphazardly and foolishly. Too much responsibility is put on too many people, and that resulted in hundreds of thousands of dollars being embezzled by the financial adviser. Then after that, someone thought it was a good idea to put the financial operations in the hands of some 20 year olds.

Like that would ever fly in the real world.

I’m so. so. so. tired of stupid Christians.

So what’s success? Right now, I don’t know. I know that the church doesn’t think I’m a success, and I don’t think it’s a success.

I know that this probably sounds like a whole lot of whining. Yeah, it hurt my feelings that not many people came. But I’m so thankful FOR the people that did come that I don’t want to belittle their importance in any way whatsoever. I wouldn’t trade them for a billion fakes. What really makes me frustrated, though, is the picture that this paints. The picture that is so totally unlike Jesus. To love like Jesus is to be a success. But how do we show it? Church is the last place I’d look right now.

Tags: angry, controversy, learning, uncertainty

Facebook has become almost as annoying as Myspace was before I stopped logging into Myspace. There are ads and apps and bogus friend requests and emo song lyric statuses. But what annoys me the most are the hyper-religious statuses talking about Jesus and God and Christianity and how great their lives are because of God. I will be hugely judged for this statement, and I am totally beyond caring.

The thing is, I love Jesus with all of my heart and I am in no way ashamed to admit that. I become very territorial when He is reduced to a simple line on Facebook that someone writes in passing. I know that they’re probably well-meaning, but in my opinion they come across the same way as someone does in church when I ask how they’re doing and they smile fakely and say something ridiculous like, “Blessed and highly favored, praise the Lord!”

I DON’T CARE.

If God has performed a huge miracle in your life, like healing you from cancer, I will hallelujah dance right with you because that totally takes faith, prayer, and perseverance and you probably have something that I need to learn. But if you are just saying something about how great Jesus is just to say it, to show how good you are or perhaps just to gain some favor with God, you are doing it for the wrong reasons.

I expect my pastors to put stuff like this in their tweets and statuses, but I’m more pleased when they update about things that are really going on in their lives. If something good happens and they actually say what it is, I’ll smile. If they’re open and honest about something bad that happened, I’ll pray for them and grieve with them. It’s the same for anyone else. But if you’re just throwing random Pollyanna Jesus statements up there, it makes me roll my eyes.

“Moreover, when you fast, do not be like the hypocrites, with a sad countenance. For they disfigure their faces that they may appear to men to be fasting. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward.” – Matthew 6:16

The reward is only that people think they’re a little more holy than the next person. God isn’t pleased with it, and this so-called sacrifice will glean no reward from Him. One of the most eye-opening comments I’ve ever heard from someone that I respect but doesn’t believe in God was when he mentioned that he thinks I’m wise because I understand so much about something he understands nothing about. I just kind of sat there with my mouth hanging open because it was so honest, and so humble, and it made me realize that if I only ramble on about my relationship with God, people who don’t know Him really won’t understand me. It’s something so basic, that God even tells us in the Bible- that people who don’t know Him will not see Him and will not understand His Word. The only way that people will come to God is if they feel a longing for something more, something greater in their life…and they won’t get it if you just walk around saying how wonderful Jesus is. You have to live it, and show why He is so wonderful.

It’s a literary technique- showing vs. telling. If you tell everything that happens, every detail about a person or situation, the story is dull. Some things have to be told because they’re either too complex or too unimportant to show. But the power of most scenes lies in the showing of how the character is the way she is, or how he figures out that he loves her, or how the single mother breaks out of poverty.

I know that Jesus is great. I don’t need to be reminded on my news feed that you know it too. Neither does anyone else, because if all I know about you is that you love Jesus you’re really just like half of the other people on my friends list but one of the more annoying ones. I have absolutely no proof that your faith is real and substantiated, or that you’re anything more than a church-going robot.

Your Facebook statuses won’t get you through the pearly gates.

Tags: change, discomfort, fail, risk

So, I regularly come across lyrical fallacies in songs that we sing in church. I’m not trying to nitpick every song, because I’m sure that there are some songs that speak to me that might not make that much sense when you really think about it. And I know that God can totally use anything to make His point. I mean, during this song today there were tons of people touched by it and a woman’s eye got healed. Bam. Like that. God is srs bsnss, y’all.

I don’t think that the songs we sing in a service really influence our thoughts or perceptions all that much- it’s the reverse. The songs that make us feel something more than usual, that stir our minds and souls, are the indicators of our current spiritual state. So when we get REALLY caught up in a song, I like to look at it and see why we really let those certain words speak to us. Sometimes it makes sense, and other times it’s really disturbing.

Today, the song said:

As I lift my hands toward heaven let Your fire fall down on me
Rekindle the fire within me, Lord, once again

Sounds great right?

Except, when you think about it….

…why’d we let the fire go out?

AGAIN?

Obviously, it’s a recurring problem if we’re saying, “once again.” I mean, really? God’s anointing doesn’t just flicker and fade and need a good dose of gas thrown on it to start going again. He’s there, constant. If we allow ourselves to become immersed in His presence and glory, the anointing on our lives will remain just as strong and constant. It will be unquenchable no matter what our circumstances are.

What if we took a new perspective on church services? At least at my church. We treat it as a a way to fix the problems of the last week, a way to return to equilibrium so we can just let the law of entropy go to work in our spiritual lives for one more week, causing us to fall apart at the seams and return to church the following Sunday to have Jesus put us back together again like so many Humpty Dumpties. Rinse. Repeat.

What if we used it instead as a springboard for the next week? Rather than trying to avoid the problems that we caused for ourselves the week before by asking God to fix everything, we could open our eyes to see what we could do, with His leading, to make things around us better. To learn and grow by putting our feet on solid ground and forcing them to move forward rather than flailing around in the ether and hoping something sticks.

To see all of the congregants so taken by these lines really struck me in an uncomfortable way. Is this what sounds good to us? Is this what we truly think that God is trying to do in us? Do we need to get baptized every week to make sure we’re cleansed and ready for new life?

Why are we still begging for the same old thing? God said that He would make all things new and that He wants us to sing to Him a new song. Maybe we should just get unstuck. Maybe we should let the fire blast us out of our rut this time, and never let it burn out.

I rant quite a bit about Christians and Christianity in general simply because I think the church is so ineffective as a whole. We keep getting caught up in insignificant details and missing the whole point altogether. It’s not that people intend to be bad at it, we just naturally are. But the point is that we should get better at it, at everything. This is my absolute favorite CS Lewis quote, from Mere Christianity:

“It is, of course, quite true that God will not love you any the less, or have less use for you, if you happen to have been born with a very second-rate brain. He has room for people with very little sense, but He wants every one to use what sense they have. [...] God is no fonder of intellectual slackers than of any other slackers. If you are thinking of becoming a Christian, I warn you, you are embarking on something which is going to take the whole of you, brains and all. But, fortunately, it works the other way round. Anyone who is honestly trying to be a Christian will soon find his intelligence being sharpened: one of the reasons why it needs no special education to be a Christian is that Christianity is an education itself.”

I’ve met so many people who are really only good at playing church and “being a good Christian.” They’re boring. They’re not relatable. They wait around for Sunday because they feel like their whole life is just wrapped up in the church because that’s where they’re “serving God.” I’m not saying that every single Christian should aspire to be a genius, but Jesus said that He came to give us life more abundantly. So why are Christians so bad at living? As soon as we exit the church, we’re like a bunch of lost sheep. Is it a fear of sinning? Of looking stupid? Why can’t we do something amazing during the week and return to church rejoicing rather than simply going back to church to do the same old thing?

We sing this really horrible song in service sometimes called “Draw Me Nearer.” I hate it. Every time we go into it I want to take a flying leap offstage and run out the door. “Draw me nearer blessed Lord to the cross where Thou hast DIEEEEEDDD. Draw me nearer, nearer blessed LOOOORRRRDDDD to Thy precious bleeeeeding siiiiiiiide….” oh dear. It’s torture fit for an episode of 24. It’s also completely irrelevant. I refuse to sing it. I, for one, to NOT want to be drawn nearer to the cross where Jesus died because 1) He is no longer there 2) He is no longer dead and 3) His side stopped bleeding a LONG time ago.

This is why the church is so STUCK. We refuse to move on from dead Jesus, who got over being dead a long time ago, and we just park it at the cross and stare up at it, waiting for it to do tricks, while Jesus is trying to get us to move on. The Bible only says one thing about laying down- and that’s to GET UP. We should always be moving forward and progressing- but we’re not. So the rest of the world has passed us by, and the effects are seen everywhere. I mean, look at Christian media. The quality is often terrible and uncreative because people think that we have to do the same old thing over and over to “stay true to what God did” or some such nonsense, forgetting that God is creative and wants us to be creative as well. Society changes, and we have to stay with it. Paul realized the importance of being all things to all people, and Jesus always got down on someone else’s level so that He could relate to them. Why can’t the church do the same thing?

We’re not smarter, but we think we’re better and that we know it all. I’m beginning to think that we really don’t know anything about living, and that’s something we should redeem posthaste. I’m not that great at it myself, but I’m ready to try to figure it out. Maybe I won’t become an expert, but I’ll try.

I went to an amusement park the other day. I’m not really sure if the amusement is from the rides or from the crazy people that show up. It’s a place where social norms are largely thrown out the window and people think it is appropriate to walk around around half-clothed (or less). Having a child is a beautiful thing, but I do not need to see your stretch marks from the ordeal or your muffin top hanging over your cotton shorts while you walk around in a bikini top.

The worst one, though, was the guy that had the handgun tattooed on the side of his head. No, I’m not kidding. To make matters worse, he had huge spacers in his ears. It’s sad, really. He is not going to be respected by very many people, and he has ruined chances of receiving any sort of high-paying employment. No matter how much society pretends to be accepting and to celebrate diversity, it’s a load of crap.

The guy just doesn’t get it. Somewhere along the way, someone (or multiple people, even) told him that it was a good idea to do all of this to his appearance. That he looked good, that it was cool. So why would he think otherwise? It’s kind of the same thing that happens to the bad auditionees on American Idol. The camera zooms in on a proud, crying mother and father who beam through their tears and tell America how their offspring has such a beautiful voice and sings so well. Then said offspring begins to sing for the judges and sounds like a cross between a cow and a chainsaw. It all began when they first started trying to sing, and the parents were supportive and placating so as not to hurt little Johnny’s feelings. Eventually, their dishonesty became disillusionment, and led to Johnny being humiliated on national television for his 15 seconds of fame.

We don’t like to be honest with people we love sometimes because it seems like a lie is just…nicer. I think this is why it’s all too easy to think that God isn’t loving- He’s brutally honest with us. He tones it down enough so that we’re not completely crushed when He opens our eyes to see our true state, but often it’s more than we can really handle and it knocks us off of our game for a while. The good part is that we’re not blind anymore. Wouldn’t you rather find out that you had toilet paper stuck to your shoe BEFORE everyone else saw it?

I don’t have thick skin. I get hurt and embarrassed and ashamed very easily. I think that helps me to be honest with other people, because I can try to deliver it in a manner that’s not going to hurt them. Honesty is never fun to receive at first, no matter the subject or the gentleness of the delivery. However, please stop me from ever tattooing a gun on my head by telling me that it would look really, really terrible. Also, don’t let me purchase gladiator sandals (although I don’t think I’ll need reminding on either point).

Women have been objectified for like, ever. And we’ll continue to be looked upon as broodmares for like, ever, because men are just that way. It would seem that Christian men would at least have more of a CHANCE of doing a little better in this area because they should know better (ha!) or SOMETHING like that, but no. Really, I’ve noticed that Christian men are even worse.

In the past few months, this has happened with me several times. I don’t know what’s in the air around here, but seriously, I’ve been treated like trash by several guys who have at the very least appeared, at some point since I’ve known them, to love Jesus. Granted, this will not stop you from sinning, but if you truly love Jesus and that is a priority in your heart then there seems to be far less room for douchebaggery.

Ahem.

Anyway, so it’s worse because they do know better. Rather than being repentant, seeking forgiveness and truly trying to change and restore that relationship, they feel guilty. Conviction becomes condemnation, and they understandably hate that feeling so it must be displaced. Who is closest? The person that was sinned against. So in addition to being told that my sexuality is the only thing that makes me valuable, I was blamed for it.

Any time remarks like these were directed my way before, I would make a harsh comment in return or ignore the insinuations and try to cover up any hurt. But a couple months ago, I simply ran out of the room and started sobbing. I completely shocked myself with this reaction, because I always thought that it didn’t matter, that I deserved it, or that men would always be this way. I made excuses. But I won’t do that anymore, because I realized that no woman deserves to be objectified. Even if she is offering up herself to be objectified, she doesn’t deserve it. Every woman has so much more about her to be treasured, and her sexuality is the part that should remain a secret. A prize for the right man.

I am so. not. a feminist. I simply believe that women should be respected and that they should be valued for everything that they offer. So next time you’re objectified- because face it, you probably will be sooner or later- let them know that it hurts. If you feel tears building, let them fall. They’ll say that you’re too sensitive or may make another hurtful comment. If it happens often enough, they’ll understand that it hurts and maybe even care to learn why. If women would stand up to this treatment and say, “No more!” then maybe men would stop doing it. And if you’re a man and you even THINK about making a comment that could even possibly hurt a woman- don’t. It’s not funny.

I mean, I know I might as well wait on my spaceship to show up so I can go frittering about the galaxies. But there’s a small part of me that hopes that men will eventually understand.

Have you ever seen someone wandering around in Crocs? Unless you are a child under the age of 8, you should not be permitted to wear them. They are even uglier than gladiator sandals, and that’s saying something. I do not understand how a self-respecting person can wear them out of their house knowing that they will see other human beings.

I’ve heard people rave over how comfortable Crocs are. Well, guess what. You still look like an idiot. You are receiving the respect of absolutely no one. Perhaps you’re rolling your eyes at this point, but shoes seriously make a statement, I’m telling you. Very srs bsnss. Crocs are making the statement that you care not one whit about how you appear and that you have slovenly ways. I would not entrust an important task to someone wearing Crocs. They give off an air of laziness and make me believe that you are a person that does not care about having a job well done- just about making things easy for yourself. Crocs might be comfortable, but that doesn’t mean you should wear them.

That’s just how life is, though. I understand completely. I love to be comfortable. I want to be surrounded by familiar things and do stuff the way I want. I like a plan and I like for things to work out exactly the way I want them. Being spontaneous is fun sometimes, but only if it doesn’t interfere with something. Don’t mess up my plan and no one will get hurt.

God never listens to me. If I had my druthers, I’d probably end up never doing anything very exciting because I wouldn’t get out of my comfortable routine. Then I’d wonder why my life was boring. Fortunately, He is relentless and generally annoying about this topic, and won’t let me get too comfortable before I’m shuttled off to something else that is entirely scary and overwhelming and exciting. It freaks me out and I complain and dig in my heels- but at least I’m wearing good heels, and not Crocs.

I’m reading Don Miller’s book To Own a Dragon which is about growing up fatherless. I’m going through it slowly, because it’s a painful topic. It’s weird reading about it from a man’s perspective and not entirely helpful, but I like Don and it is quite interesting to see how this issue has an effect on males.

Of course, it’s making me think more about growing up without a father. I didn’t think that it changed much about my life for quite a while, other than struggling financially. But it changes so much about a person’s life. Although I won’t put all of my problems on my father (or lack thereof), a great deal of the problems regarding my self-esteem, self-worth, cynicism, interacting with males and my overall view of God come from growing up fatherless. At the same time, I realize that God has protected me from being around him. That wouldn’t have been good, either.

My father suddenly called out of nowhere when I was in 10th grade. Then he came to visit for a week. After, he would call for a period of time…then silence. Then he’d call again for a while…then nothing. I haven’t talked to him for a couple of years. But the interactions that I did have with him, however brief, made me realize that I was better off not having him in my life. Although he is intelligent and successful in his career, he is not a good man.

That said, growing up fatherless has motivated me more than anything else could. I can only hope that this whole generation of single mothers will raise sons who know how to take responsibility and daughters who demand for men to grow up and get it together. I refuse to raise my children without a father. I will not be with a man who is irresponsible, lazy or detached. Under no circumstances will I deny my future sons a positive role model or my future daughters a protector. If someone has ended up in this situation, it’s not the end of the world despite all of these difficulties. But if you have the choice?

If you are a woman that was raised fatherless, you have the opportunity AND the responsibility to choose a different path for your children. If you are a woman that was raised by a good father, wait until you find a good man like him. Don’t settle. If you’re raising children by yourself, pray for God to send you a good man- and be wise if you choose to introduce someone into your household. If you’re a man that had no father or a terrible father, you don’t have to be like him. If you had a good father, don’t drop the ball. If you’re a man that has children somewhere and you’re neglecting them, get your crap together and become a positive influence in their lives. They deserve better. Rather than complaining about how hard it is or how much of a failure you are, just do something about it.

Ultimately, let God be your father. He’s the only perfect one you’ll ever have. He will be a good example for you. He won’t let you down. Somehow, He’s going to make it right.