Feet On the Ground

I thought that after starting school with so many lectures and reading assignments that I’d be loathe to hear one more lecture in the form of a sermon.

I was so wrong.

I still love hearing a good sermon and the intelligence of my professors has only made me desire more intelligence in preachers. I was listening to Bill Johnson of Bethel Church yesterday and was so totally struck by something he said. In Christianity, the way we should study is by looking at perfection and what’s right. We learn a standard by seeing the way that Jesus operates. Then, when we encounter something in the world that goes against what Jesus says or does, we can immediately identify it as wrong. We might not know exactly why it’s wrong, but our instincts realize even before reasoning can kick in.

In class today, I learned that in many of the cases that we’ll run over in our casebooks are put there because they’re wrong, not because they’re right. In almost all of them, the court system did something totally stupid or made up the law and someone else came along and called them out on it. My professor likened it to med students studying sick people, not people that are well.

I get what she’s saying. But really, we have to have a standard of what’s right to even know what’s wrong. In medicine, students already know from personal experience how the body is supposed to operate. In law, it’s often common sense (or you could argue that it’s not, because there are a ton of stupid lawyers and judges out there…and I was the one worried about making it through school!). We are pretty conditioned or made to know what those standards of operation are.

Yet in life, just trying to discern right from wrong, we’re automatically coded to do what’s wrong. We’re imperfect and soiled. We make bad decisions, hurt other people, and generally screw up. Most of the people that I know even do it in the name of religion or holiness, and it’s still wrong.

Christians aren’t perfect. Far from it, and most of us know it. The ones that act like they don’t are the ones most terrified by it. It goes against our other systems because humans naturally feel like we should know the standard of correctness and perfection. We totally don’t. Christians have accepted it, inherited it as a gift from Jesus – but it takes us more than a lifetime to actually learn that standard. We’ll never get it right, but that’s not an excuse to stop trying.

If I learn, little by little, what’s perfect and right and meant for me, I’ll recognize what’s not and stay away from it. Who better to learn from than Jesus?

Tags: determination, law school, learning

Most people hate February. And in many respects it’s a sucky month. The general populace is frustrated with weather and taxes. Single people are cranky about Valentine’s Day. Motivation for New Years resolutions is ebbing and it’s far easier to just sit on the couch, eat cookies and watch 24 than…well, do anything at all.

And I have some great trips planned in March and April. My best friend will move back here sometime around then as well. Then it will be summer and we can get ice cream and go to the park and drink sweet tea and go to Kings Island.

It’s going to be fabulous.

In the meantime, though, it’s February.

I’ve decided to take a different approach. I’m going to get in shape physically. I’m going to curb my spending and save as much as possible. I’ll get through work with as much happiness intact as I can muster and as soon as I leave, get to the business of living. I’ve moped around too much after work because I’ve been so miserable and frustrated, but that’s completely counterproductive. So that’s over.

Hopefully.

We’ll see.

Ultimately, though, I need to get my spirit into fighting shape. I’ve been so remiss in that lately. But with the things I have coming up in my future, I have a feeling that the challenges and possible triumphs will take everything I have. Mostly, though, I just miss God.

The best part is that I don’t have to.

Hold me to this, will you?

Tags: anticipation, determination, risk

When you first start playing trumpet, you’re told to buzz your lips to make sound. Eventually, it sounds less like buzzing and more like a tone. Right around that time, if you have a good teacher, then you’re told….not to buzz your lips anymore.

It’s confusing, at first. But the point is to let the pressure of the air being pushed with your diaphragm to actually buzz your lips for you. It’s amazing if you can actually master it. It’s what lets you play wicked high notes and hours long concerts- or in my case, church services, without getting tired.

If, you know, you can pull it off.

I’ve never really mastered it. I don’t know why. I’ve felt what it’s like before but it hasn’t become habitual. And without this skill, you can’t become great. You can be decent or even good, but greatness is unattainable unless you can utilize the force of the air.

Kind of like God’s power.

We can coast on grace for a while and get to a certain point. We can rely on His hand to help us through trials and to even give us blessings. But until we make it habitual to completely rely on His awesome supernatural power, we’ll never be able to fulfill what He’s called us to be.

Yesterday, the worship service seemed to drag on. The lights were hot and bright and the music blasting through my earbuds was loud. I had been working and getting up early for days and I was so tired and just wanted to sit down for a while. And rest, because isn’t that what Sundays are about?

Except in my type of church, we get a little overboard with worship sometimes and we keep going back into the same song over and over and over and over….and you wonder, “When will it be OVER?” I love Jesus, but after a while, well, I believe I’ve been set free. Can we move forward? Because I’m also standing up there in four inch heels. I know, I know, it’s my choice…but I don’t own flats.

Then I realized that my playing felt a little different. It felt easy. Effortless. Like the air was just floating. I wasn’t doing as much work as usual.

Without even thinking about it, I’d utilized a skill I didn’t even know I had.

When I was too tired to put forth the effort that the task normally would have required. When I was not concentrating. Not feeling up to it. Not being a very good person because I didn’t want to be there.

It happened. I did it. It was amazing. It was easier. Although Angelina Jolie lips are unavoidable after hours of playing, they didn’t feel like they were elastic or overworked. What normally would have exhausted me didn’t take its usual toll. When it was necessary, I finally performed like I needed to.

When it’s necessary, do you believe that God will perform for you?

Tags: appreciation, grace, hope

I stood awkwardly. Twiddling thumbs, eyes downcast, shifting weight from foot to foot. Hands with no urge to raise, tear ducts out of use. It has been an eternity since I’ve been in a church service because I wanted to be there. No commitments. No one expecting my presence. Just going because there was a tug.

So I expected a lightning bolt. Either to evoke fear or inspiration, I wasn’t sure, but I waited for it to strike.

Nothing.

I felt a calmness seep in, and with it also came an uncomfortable expectation. My life has felt so complicated for so long, and everything felt too…easy. Simple. As the singers gazed upward with rapt attention and admiration, I wondered if the whole business was as painless as they made it appear.

And then the melody of the song that always comes to mind when I’m stressed began to play. The song that God uses to comfort me flowed from the pianist’s fingers and out the speakers and into my ears and over my soul. In that instant, I realized that the most complex, encompassing subject in the world is also an elementary principle.

I am saved.

It’s totally Christian jargon. And completely appropriate. Not as in one instant years ago, but every day. I am saved from countless horrors and evils and devastations. I am saved from religion, from apathy, from brutality. Maybe most of all, I’m saved from myself. From trying to understand absolutely everything, which gets complicated fast.

Life doesn’t make sense. Trying to decode it is folly.

So I left uninspired by the message because I was too tired to understand it. Woefully unmoved by the scripture on the page. Slightly welcomed by people who didn’t really miss me and weren’t thrilled when I showed up, but oddly comforted to be in a group who believes the same thing. More or less.

Ultimately, I left feeling a million times better than when I arrived.

I remembered that I was rescued. Then, now, way back when and ten years within the future. My status wil never change, and when it all gets to be too much again, I just have to think of my place in the fairy tale.

I haven’t been blogging much because I’ve been struggling. And when you’re someone who claims to have faith, you feel like you shouldn’t be struggling at all. I think I’ve become so dependent on actually writing out my faith to remind myself that I really do believe all of this, that everything is going to get better and that I am going to prosper, and when I don’t have time to write it makes me not feel so convinced about it anymore.

This verse in Luke is most quoted around Christmas, from the King James Version:

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. (2:13-14)

Yet I read it this way, from the English Standard Version:

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”

And in the Amplified:

Then suddenly there appeared with the angel an army of the troops of heaven (a heavenly knighthood), praising God and saying,

Glory to God in the highest [heaven], and on earth peace among men with whom He is well pleased [men of goodwill, of His favor].

We have such a problem reading the Bible correctly. We squabble over translations and original context and cultural clues and significance and we totally miss out on so many of the basic things. This verse has been so overquoted that I never realized how spectacular the “multitude of heavenly hosts” really would have been. An army of the troops of heaven. How terrifying would that display of power be, even knowing that it’s on your side. Every time angels appeared to someone in the Bible, they’d have to say, “Fear not!” because they’re so mighty and we’re so doubtful. We’re skeptical that someone would be willing to do something for us.

So we read “peace on Earth, good will toward men” as a commandment or a hopeful statement. That’s always the message I got from it. Be good to people, especially around Christmas, and hope people are good back to you. If not, suck it up.

Yet in other versions it is stated as a promise from God that we will have peace. Simply because He loves us and He gives us favor because we love Him back- and even if we don’t. Even caught up in our selfish ways, He finds something to love and bless. Because He’s just that good.

If a multitude of angels appeared in front of me, telling me that I was going to receive peace and favor from God, would I believe then? Maybe for a while. Then something decidedly unfavorable would happen that would try to steal my peace, and I’d get caught up in the dichotomy of what is promised and what I feel.

Instead of punishing me for my lack of faith, God designed the whole system, the entire story, to meet my faith. He didn’t do it all in one act. He wrote a continuing saga that is everlasting, and is still commanding the army of heavenly hosts to battle for me. He is funneling peace into my life and showing favor because that’s what He does and who He is. When I stop feeling it, He doesn’t give up and He doesn’t toss the story out and start over. He simply finds a new way to show me and starts a new chapter.

Tags: appreciation, Christmas, learning

I haven’t blogged in forever, but I’m so excited to write again. Even logging in was soothing.

I want to do nothing more with my life than write, but for some reason I’m chasing a bunch of other things that feel much more attainable. In my head, I’m without a doubt a future author. But when I think about putting it in practice there’s an element of terror because I mean, there’s no way I can do this….yet I’m always thinking about it. Wondering when my next burst of inspiration will hit. If anyone will actually like what I’m writing. If an agent will listen to me and if a publisher will listen to her. If the public will allow my words to soak in and change them or fight the message that they offer.

Christmas is such a weird time. Some people celebrate the joy and being thankful for the past year and looking forward to the next one with no thought of Christ. Some people suspend the joy completely for the sake of religiously harping on the point that “JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON” and church marquees go overboard with cheesy and not-at-all-helpful lines that make drivers roll their eyes as they pass right on by.

And then you have the people in the middle. Who remember Christ as the center of the holiday but who celebrate Him at all times because He is the center of our lives. Who take joy in buying gifts for their loved ones and little things like eggnog (which I personally hate but whatev) and getting packages in the mail and opening Christmas cards and decorating trees and watching cheesy Hallmark movies and the million other things that are just fun and may not even have anything to do at all with Jesus directly. Yet Jesus came to give us life more abundantly, peace and joy and love and everything else that is and should be abundantly celebrated not only in this season, but in our lives.

The thing that I think a lot of Christians forget about is that Jesus doesn’t need us to defend His place in Christmas or in our lives. He refuses to be removed, by default. The best illustration of this, I think, is when Mark Driscoll updated Facebook and Twitter and said something about “Xmas” in his update and everyone on Facebook got riled up commenting about it and HOW DARE A PASTOR REMOVE CHRIST FROM CHRISTMAS!! Um, yeah, Twitter has a 140 character limit, don’t you know? But through all of the brouhaha, I found out that the abbreviation of using X for Christ originated a very long time ago, and it began because the Greek letter chi is the symbol of X and the first letter in the Greek word….Christos.

Tags: appreciation, Christmas

Everyone is posting what they’re thankful for today. A home, friends, family. Stuff like that. I’m thankful for all of that, sure, but it has all been taken from me in the past in one way or another. The thing that I’ve been given recently that will never be taken away from me is my newfound ability to stand up for myself.

For so long, I let people walk all over me. I let it happen in the name of turning the other cheek or being humble. I foolishly allowed myself to be taken advantage of because I thought that it was wrong of me to call it out. A few years ago I sort of did something about it by avoiding the people who made me feel like that, but I was still taking the coward’s way out because I refused to confront the problem. And then something stupidly horrible happened a few weeks ago, and I realized that by being a doormat, I have squelched the glory of God in my life.

I’m learning to react firmly, but in love.

I now know what I would say to him if he finally talked to me. I know what I would say to my father if he ever contacted me again. I know what I would say to a friend who used me or to a family member who demeaned me. I know what I would say to a church member who treated me like I was beneath them.

I’m finally entering into a wonderful balance of knowing that God will do something to protect me, but that I also have a right and a duty to stand up for myself if it’s something that I can stop.

More than anything, I’m thankful for Jesus.

He saved my soul when I was younger, but since I graduated college I have entered a time of hardship and stress and gone through some very difficult experiences. Through it all, I have exhibited more personal growth in this period than in my entire life. He has led me to find reservoirs of strength that I didn’t even know exist and shown me how to find emotional control. Because I have pledged my life to serve Him, He has given me more freedom than I could ever imagine. After spending so much time afraid and confused and inhibited, I’ve finally found life.

I actually feel like Jesus is thankful for me, too. Thankful that I am living as His hands and feet, and that I am connected to Him for eternity. I’m thankful for His sacrifice, but without me, His sacrifice would have meant nothing. Truly realizing this for the first time makes me realize that I am actually worth something.

Tags: learning

All my life, I’ve heard about following Jesus. That we should follow in His footsteps until, of course, we can’t take it anymore and we see one set of footprints in the sand because He’s carrying us through our troubles. It’s a bunch of stuff that sounds good, but when you really put it into practice it’s completely exhausting. Following behind someone constantly means that you are limited to doing exactly what they do and going exactly where they are going. You remain chained and shackled, unable to exercise your will and follow your desires because you are kept in a certain place.

Zechariah 12 talks about the day where God will bring salvation, and how the feeblest among people will be like David, and that the glory of them will not surpass that of Judah. The weakest among us? Like David. The greatest? Like Jesus. There is a theme arising now in the Christian world to find out who Jesus is and how to be like Him. I always likened myself to being like David, even before I knew the significance of it. But with David, a man who was after God’s heart, always got in his own way. He accomplished great things but could have done more. Jesus, though…nothing got in His way. He wasn’t a man striving after God’s heart- He actually had God’s heart.

To simply follow Christ requires me to climb up on that cross and suffer. And that’s something I cannot and will never do. As long as I am trying to keep myself in a position of following, I will be requiring of myself something entirely different than He requires of me. It is finished means that He has completed the work, not that I have to help Him. When this is realized, I am free. Free to be like Jesus. Not just to follow Him. I am elevated to a status that is absolutely unlimited. It requires me to live in the tension of never being able to be as holy as He is while being granted an unlimited supply of holiness and righteousness through His grace.

It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

But it is completely necessary. If I do not set my sights on becoming like Jesus, I will constantly get in my own way. My flesh will continually rise up to render me powerless. I’ve reached the point where I can rebuke the devil with the best of them, but it doesn’t matter if I don’t realize the power that has been given to me and exercise my rights as a daughter of God.

It makes the whole process so much more exciting. A wild, intimidating, breathtaking adventure. Just like that, by changing my worldview from “Christ follower” to “someone who is like Jesus,” I have been released into a new way of living that is really what He meant when He came here in the first place.

Tags: change, excitement, learning

I love roller coasters. I really do. But not in my life. Lately, there have been so many ups and downs and I’m seriously not able to take it anymore. It’s like the Son of Beast. In theory, it should be great. Cleverly designed and looks awesome until you get too close. Then you realize that it is an absolutely terrible experience that attempts to bruise your body and dislodge your brain. Once you’ve removed the loop, it takes away all notoriety and is simply a really awesome looking pile of fail.

Okay, so I got rolling on my metaphor and completely forgot the point of this post. Well, while I’m trying to remember:

Yeah. It’s not as much fun as it looks. Or maybe it’s exactly as much fun as it looks, depending on your view of roller coasters. Really, it’s terrible.

Anyway, so I’m becoming increasingly questioning of religion. I don’t mean that I don’t love Jesus anymore, because I totally do. But it’s so weird because my life has been getting worse seemingly by the day, and I’ve had it pounded into me for my entire life as a Christian that things are going to get better and that God will provide and…..stuff.

But things aren’t getting better, they’re getting worse. I’ve always felt like I’ve enjoyed a special spiritual protection because I loved God and was so aware of His hand in my life, but now I walk around in terror that He’s going to let something bad happen. I hate this feeling. I know that God isn’t like that, but I’ve heard so many times that He is to be my shelter in time of trouble, and I feel like my shelter is leaking. Big time.

I feel like all of that stuff that I was taught by my “branch” of religion worked until it really, really got tested and I got hit with the real world. Now I feel completely unprepared and incapable of handling things, and I’m not really sure what to do or where to turn. Like, I know that God loves me and that He DOES protect me and everything, I’m just wondering how far this whole thing stretches.

I mean, what’s the point?

Why do we believe in Jesus?

I’m not saying this in a bad way, but as a way to return to the truth. Because if He promised that bad times were going to come and that He would always be there, never forsaking us, what’s the point of Him being around if He is capable of helping but doesn’t? Why does it matter if Jesus is here for me? I want Him here with me, but I think it’s mostly out of habit. I’d really like to know what the whole point of it is, because I don’t think I ever really learned it.

Tags: learning, uncertainty

Facebook has become almost as annoying as Myspace was before I stopped logging into Myspace. There are ads and apps and bogus friend requests and emo song lyric statuses. But what annoys me the most are the hyper-religious statuses talking about Jesus and God and Christianity and how great their lives are because of God. I will be hugely judged for this statement, and I am totally beyond caring.

The thing is, I love Jesus with all of my heart and I am in no way ashamed to admit that. I become very territorial when He is reduced to a simple line on Facebook that someone writes in passing. I know that they’re probably well-meaning, but in my opinion they come across the same way as someone does in church when I ask how they’re doing and they smile fakely and say something ridiculous like, “Blessed and highly favored, praise the Lord!”

I DON’T CARE.

If God has performed a huge miracle in your life, like healing you from cancer, I will hallelujah dance right with you because that totally takes faith, prayer, and perseverance and you probably have something that I need to learn. But if you are just saying something about how great Jesus is just to say it, to show how good you are or perhaps just to gain some favor with God, you are doing it for the wrong reasons.

I expect my pastors to put stuff like this in their tweets and statuses, but I’m more pleased when they update about things that are really going on in their lives. If something good happens and they actually say what it is, I’ll smile. If they’re open and honest about something bad that happened, I’ll pray for them and grieve with them. It’s the same for anyone else. But if you’re just throwing random Pollyanna Jesus statements up there, it makes me roll my eyes.

“Moreover, when you fast, do not be like the hypocrites, with a sad countenance. For they disfigure their faces that they may appear to men to be fasting. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward.” – Matthew 6:16

The reward is only that people think they’re a little more holy than the next person. God isn’t pleased with it, and this so-called sacrifice will glean no reward from Him. One of the most eye-opening comments I’ve ever heard from someone that I respect but doesn’t believe in God was when he mentioned that he thinks I’m wise because I understand so much about something he understands nothing about. I just kind of sat there with my mouth hanging open because it was so honest, and so humble, and it made me realize that if I only ramble on about my relationship with God, people who don’t know Him really won’t understand me. It’s something so basic, that God even tells us in the Bible- that people who don’t know Him will not see Him and will not understand His Word. The only way that people will come to God is if they feel a longing for something more, something greater in their life…and they won’t get it if you just walk around saying how wonderful Jesus is. You have to live it, and show why He is so wonderful.

It’s a literary technique- showing vs. telling. If you tell everything that happens, every detail about a person or situation, the story is dull. Some things have to be told because they’re either too complex or too unimportant to show. But the power of most scenes lies in the showing of how the character is the way she is, or how he figures out that he loves her, or how the single mother breaks out of poverty.

I know that Jesus is great. I don’t need to be reminded on my news feed that you know it too. Neither does anyone else, because if all I know about you is that you love Jesus you’re really just like half of the other people on my friends list but one of the more annoying ones. I have absolutely no proof that your faith is real and substantiated, or that you’re anything more than a church-going robot.

Your Facebook statuses won’t get you through the pearly gates.

Tags: change, discomfort, fail, risk