Kayla Finley

Tosca is a fantastic writer. I first read her when she joined up with Ted Dekker for their fantastic series Books of Mortals. When I saw the opportunity to get Iscariot for free through NetGalley, I jumped on it.

Judas is a name that makes Christians cringe. On one hand, had Jesus not been crucified, we wouldn’t have salvation. But accepting that our savior was betrayed by a loyal follower is not easy, and finding any sympathy for Judas is difficult. So I went into the story with a little bit of trepidation, and came out of it with a very different viewpoint of these historical and spiritual events.

Tosca did a huge amount of research to make sure that she got things right. However, she admits that she moved a few things around on the timeline to make the story work (although it seems like these aren’t incredibly significant changes). I felt like I was there, and learning about Judas’s life (or what his life could have been like) before becoming a follower of Christ was fascinating.

The most eye opening thing was learning about what living under the law was really like. At one point, Judas wants to enter the temple, craving closeness to God. However, he had been in the same room as a dead body that day, and no rituals could make him clean enough to be able to enter. He had to wait. So when Jesus comes along, Judas so desperately wants Him to be the Messiah – and it’s finally understandable how Judas could feel backed into a corner and forced to make the decisions he made.

What if Judas wasn’t the villain? What if he was tricked into the betrayal, thinking that the outcome would be far different and he was actually doing the right thing? Naive, maybe, but it was interesting to consider that perhaps Judas didn’t have the black heart we think he did. Maybe he didn’t think the life of Jesus was worth 30 pieces of silver. Maybe he wasn’t greedy, or evil.

Maybe he was. But Tosca portrays a new way of thinking about these important events, which is extremely interesting. She might have gotten everything wrong, but in the end, that doesn’t matter all that much because it was an extremely well written and interesting book.

Coming home after law school has been like emerging from hibernation.

I went through most of law school in a haze of being overwhelmed and homesick. My last semester saw the haze burning off like fog in the sun, primarily because I surrounded myself with a great group of people and enjoyed a strong community of support. Now that I’m home, completely moved out of Lexington and never needing to step foot in the law building again, I catch myself being surprised at the realization that I don’t have to go back.

“When I go back to sch– oh wait!” Someone announces that they’re pregnant, and I realize that I’ll be around to see her get rounder and snuggle a teeny baby. I meet a new friend and can invest in old relationow that nships. I can make future plans and don’t have to count down the days that I have left of sleeping in my bed. I can see my family every Friday and don’t have to start missing my mom before I even leave home.

I know that studying for the bar sucks and that the profession is grueling. But there’s something about being home that’s such a relief. I feel safe and protected for the first time in three years. Being home isn’t temporary this time.

There’s much to be said for feeling like you belong where you are. I spent my entire law school experience feeling like I was visiting a really stressful, boring foreign country. Now that I’m back in a familiar place, I can breathe again.

Tags: moving

I had a conversation with someone I really respect yesterday, and she made a comment about separating your desires from your expectations. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that identified an even bigger problem that I’ve encountered: getting my hopes up.

I can identify a span of time lasting about a year and a half where I decided not to get my hopes up for anything. My expectations were so low that I actually expected bad things to happen. Ironically, during this time, it didn’t feel like bad things happened as often as they did when I had my hopes up. I felt justified in harboring this negative mentality, because it was such a relief to never get my hopes crushed.

Yet I realized yesterday that I had defined hopes incorrectly. I desired something so much that my hope for it overshadowed any other alternative outcome and so it became an expectation. I would get this thing, this opportunity would be mine, and I would come out on top. Except Ididn’tmost of the time. This gap between expectation and reality had swallowed any acceptance of other possibilities. So even when I got something better than what I wanted, I couldn’t see that it was better. All I could see was that I got something different than what I had expected so I automatically declared that it was worse.

All of this culminated in two things: blaming God and lowering my self-worth.

I felt like I was supposed to see certain things come to fruition. Beyond that, I was entitled to them and they were being blocked by this being that supposedly defined love. How does that work? Is He really loving? He loves everyone else, and other people get blessed and see opportunities. Even people that won’t acknowledge His existence. It seemed like everyone but me was deserving of love. Like God was so full of love that He couldn’t help but show it to everyone, even if they denied it.

Obviously, that meant I was doing something wrong. For you law types, I had the burden of proving that I was worthy of being loved and receiving those opportunities.

Except there was a huge fallacy: I was defining what being loved meant, and I was defining it according to my own scope of vision. My vision was so blurry and limited that I couldn’t delineate between what I expected and what I wanted. Looking back, I realize that I didn’t even desire most of my expectations. Indeed, if I had gotten them, I would have felt unloved after I was in the middle of what I had received.

At some point, I realized that I was hoping again. It was terrifying, because I was hoping in spite of myself. I couldn’t seem to help it, but it felt different – like the entire world wasn’t riding on these hopes anymore. They were no longer expectations. I actually desired what I was hoping for, which meant they should have been even more important. Yet I knew I wouldn’t be crushed if I didn’t receive them because I didn’t expect them.

Right now I hope for a great job. I desire a fulfilling life. I don’t know what these look like. I expect to receive God’s best for me, but I refuse to define what that is for myself. Ultimately, I know I am loved.

Tags: future, hope, thoughts

For some reason, it makes sense to me that if I want something badly enough, I will absolutely not try for it. After assessing the likelihood that it will actually work out and I’ll succeed, I determine that it probably won’t happen. Then I consider the level of heartbreak I will experience if I fail, and compare that with the degree of certainty of impending failure, and then realize that it’s all just not worth the risk. I’ve been denied too much, harbored too many failed dreams, and basically just not seen enough good stuff come to pass to think that THIS thing is when the cycle of fail is going to end and I’ll be delivered into the promised land of awesomeness.

I don’t know if I’ve stumbled upon a giant pocket of hope, if my dream is divinely inspired, if I’m crazy or if I’m tired of not trying. I had a recent flash of what my life could be like if I picked the safe path, and it wasn’t satisfactory. It was okay, but all I’ve ever had is okay. I’ve always had “not quite enough but enough to make it through and hang on until something else comes along.” That’s more than many people expect or receive and I’m grateful for the opportunities that I’ve had.

That said, I feel like a door is open before me and it’s my choice whether to go through and see what’s ahead. If it gets slammed in my face, or leads to another door that leads to another unexpected path, which will probably happen – I’ll accept that. I’ve found a dream, a hope that is actually worth the risk. The disappointment potential is astronomical. It dwarfs anything I’ve ever approached before. For the first time, it doesn’t matter. Even if I fall flat on my face, I would rather say, “I tried!” than, “I wish I would have tried.”

For once, it doesn’t feel like my life hinges on this success. I’ve always been more about the end result than the journey, because the journey has always been exhausting and not worth it, but I actually want to experience the expedition this time, rather than immediately see how it ends. If I end up right back where I started, I think I’ll still be left with a sense of accomplishment. At this point, taking the risk seems like reward enough.

Tags: courage, direction, future, hope

I’ve heard the phrase “dodged a bullet” a few times lately, and it just makes me think – when is that ever an accurate picture of what happened?

Case in point – season three, episode three of Downton Abbey. After that episode, I saw a description stating that Edith dodged a bullet when Sir Anthony left her at the altar. Now, we can have our own opinions about this being a good or bad match, but she wasn’t dodging a bullet. She was throwing herself straight into the bullet’s path when that bullet changed course.

With almost every failed relationship I’ve seen that has resulted in one (or both) of the parties looking back and being relieved that it didn’t work out, there was one person that was really fighting for the relationship and another that wanted out. Admittedly, I’m biased because of my gender. I’ve usually seen it from the perspective of the girl fighting for the relationship, getting dumped when a guy went to another girl, and then the girl sees the guy later. It could be a year, it could be five years. That charming, attractive guy who was full of potential ended up an unemployed fat slob still living with his mom.

I bring this up because I had a serious moment of introspection about my life and opportunities that I’ve had, and realized that I had dodged so many bullets in so many ways. This year, I’m going to graduate, take the bar exam, and look for employment. I see many people around me getting rejections from jobs that they really hoped to get, and I remember how that feels. Before going to law school, I worked a job that made me miserable and very little money and couldn’t find anything better. During law school I wanted some internships that I didn’t get. There have been places that didn’t even bother to send me a rejection.

Some of those rejections ushered me into something so much better, even though it took a very, very long time for me to see that the rejection was, in fact, a good thing. But most of those opportunities I had been gunning for with everything in me. If you had told me that I wasn’t going to get it but that would unlock something better, I never would have believed you. And my spirits were crushed from the rejection, which is a natural reaction.

I’m still upset from certain lost opportunities, still regret that they didn’t come to pass. I’m starting to realize that just means I haven’t seen the end yet. I haven’t actually gotten the opportunity and the acceptance that will clarify the past denials. I have no idea what will happen, but I am glad that I’m not the orchestrator of my own life. If I was, I would have a life of limited opportunities. As it is, my life is already better than I could have designed, even if I have certain struggles I definitely would have liked to avoid. I have a wonderful mother, an amazing boyfriend, my health, an education, and an incomparable Savior. That’s more than enough.

Tags: direction, future, hope

I received this book for free through Netgalley!

Title: Ring of Secrets
Author: Rosanna M. White
Publisher: Harvest House
Release date: March 1, 2013

I don’t want to sound like I’m gushing, but I absolutely loved this book. The Revolutionary War period is probably my favorite period of history, so it was fun to read about the Culper ring events like Benedict Arnold’s traitorous shift as if I were part of it. The story was enjoyable and there was enough intrigue to keep me going, but not so much that it was stressful. The writing was of great quality and I loved the setting.

I liked Winter well enough as a character. She was spunky and interesting, and I thought her “misunderstandings” of things people said were actually hilariously clever. However, it was a little exhausting how she kept jumping back and forth between being smart and insipid – which is understandable, and was a good illustration of how the character must have felt, but it started to wear on me. Also, I didn’t quite understand why she never told anyone about her grandfather’s ultimatum. It was clear that Ben cared about her at that point, and would have either proposed or found someone to help her. She didn’t have to go through the whole experience of getting dumped in a bad part of town like a sack of trash.

The rest of the characters were drawn better than secondary characters in many books, but I felt like there could have been a little more. Winter could have had a close female friend, or Robbie could have been a little less brooding, or Ben could have been a little more fascinating. Yet these are definitely nitpicky comments, because there’s not a ton to criticize. I’m actually planning to buy a hard copy so I can share it!

Tags: book review

I received this book for free through Netgalley!

The title and cover make this book seem like it’s going to be some sort of tragic tale, and I usually find those pretty miserable to read. However, this book isn’t nearly as dark as it looks, although bad things happen. It was an incredible picture of how tragedy can nearly destroy someone and derail their entire life, but it was also a great picture of redemption and how faith can restore the broken pieces. I wish the character would have began changing a little more quickly, or a little earlier in her life, but I understand why the plot moved at the pacing it did and it’s not a huge complaint. The main character wasn’t my favorite heroine I’ve ever read by far, but her poor behavior and choices were written in a way where the reader can understand, even if you just want her to get it together already.

I received this book for free through NetGalley!

I was a little nervous about reading this at first, because I don’t typically do straight romance and didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I was looking for a light, enjoyable read, and this was that.

The writing, for the most part, was surprisingly solid. I’ll get the bad points out of the way first: There were some annoying editing mistakes, things that couldn’t be attributed to Australian English differences. The descriptions of Luca, the hero, were often cliche: his eyes turned to steel (which I have never seen in anyone) and his face was all hard planes (which gave me a picture of someone unmoving, unloving, unlikable and unattractive). There were a few inane phrases nearer the beginning that made me really want to barf, things like “sexy as hell” and “mad as hell.” Fortunately, the writer seemed to gain confidence in herself and her story as the plot progressed, and these phrases didn’t pop up again. The descriptions of the setting were laid very well, and I could absolutely picture the type of town and community she was trying to portray. It was quite charming.

The book got better as it went along. This actually could have morphed into a pretty deep story. The heroine, Gemma, had a backstory that could have allowed her to be more fleshed out than she was. Every time there was a discussion of her past, I understood her motivations better and wanted to know more. I also wanted more about Luca, to know his past and his motivations better as well, as he was far less developed than Gemma. The characters were both revealed to be deeper than they were portrayed at the beginning, which I appreciated.

The potential that the story contained is making me view this in a more negative light than it deserves. There were many plot points that should have been developed further, points that were dropped in at random to move the story forward that were used as conveniences when they could have been more. I came into the story expecting little and receiving something better than anticipated, but also seeing what could have been. The author has talent, and I hope she continues to develop it.

Oh, right, I have a blog. This old thing.

I haven’t wanted to update because things weren’t going so well, and people love tragic tales if they’re epically written sweeping stories like Les Mis or Anna Karenina, but who wants to hear my whining? Okay, well, I spout enough of it on Twitter that everyone is probably sick of me anyway.

Things have been super stressful this semester. I got to the point where I realized that my tax classes were extremely difficult, yes, but I just didn’t want to learn it anymore. Then that sucked the joy out of my other classes. Shockingly enough, I love securities regulation, but I stopped caring about it all. And then I felt really overwhelmed, because I didn’t understand, and then I felt way behind, and it was a cycle of not-awesome.

The past few weeks have been a little better. With the help of some amazing people in my lifegroup, I’ve started to find some firmer footing. It’s weird, when you start making actual progress with God, how things don’t really seem to get better but you get better at withstanding them. The situations I’m in are still as difficult as before, but I don’t feel so alone now and some of the fears of failure and trepidation about what each day will bring are a little more distant. I can function so much better when I can pull back and realize that wait, I don’t think anything so bad that will possibly destroy my life is actually going to happen today. Then the next step forward gets a little easier, and the one after that is easier still.

One major turning point was when my mom visited a few weekends ago. I was really sick, and really discouraged, and I just wanted to go home and never look back. But I didn’t have the energy to go home, so I went to Starbucks instead. I didn’t take my phone, which usually never happens, and then it took forever in the drive through. I was probably gone about 25 minutes, and when I pulled back onto my road, I realized that there was someone in my driveway. My first thought? That person is shaped like my mother. And then she started waving frantically and I realized that was her car, too. So I practically fell out of my own car and then hugged her like it was the last time.

She didn’t tell me she was coming, she just showed up because she felt like she was supposed to. At that moment, I realized that I’m not forgotten, I’m not alone, and that I matter. Even though I’m just one person in the billions that God has to watch over, He sees me and He saw that I needed the one person on this earth whose love I will never doubt. I have doubted God’s love so much, but in that moment, I realized it was true and real.

Whenever I tell someone that I’m in my third year of law school, they get so excited for me. “You’re so close to being done! You’re almost a real lawyer!”

They’re excited, I grow more terrified.

School feels like a time of spinning wheels, but it’s really not a horrible gig. So much free time during the day, and so much procrastinating in the evenings. You can use homework as an excuse to get out of anything you don’t want to do, and everyone understands that you’re always broke. Of course, being broke sucks, and you start to want to be an adult. But being almost done with school means it’s almost time for the real world, and real work, and that’s an unknown land.

I have been so afraid of the future, so freaked out about what might go wrong and what will be expected of me. I was already anticipating failure, convinced that I would fall flat on my face at every given moment. As my boyfriend and I start to discuss moving forward and what our lives will look like later, I’ve been scared to death about what’s going to happen and how awful I’ll be at everything.

We had a talk the other night about what we wanted our futures to look like, and for the first time I realized that I’m not in this alone. I have such high expectations of myself and put so much pressure on myself, and then realizing that he doesn’t expect me to be superhuman and having him shoulder some of that pressure was such a relief.

I feel like I always need to pull my weight, that if I’m not doing as much as everyone else, I’ll be seen as a freeloader and people will start to get tired of me. It’s yet another battle to accept grace.  I would love to be able to pay off my student loans as quickly as possible while spending the least amount necessary on interest, and to be supported in that goal is a great feeling. To understand that if we get married and I contribute very little to the household while paying my expenses is okay, and that he would be honored to support me is a beautiful thing.

All of these things that we communicated about I had already expected to be true because of who he is. In a long distance relationship, we sometimes forget to really talk about these things. The rare times that we’re together are spent enjoying company, and these topics are hard to interpret over the phone. So I stew over things without thinking to bring them up, and then I’m upset with him and don’t know why. It’s something I really, really need to work on – but for now, I’m happy that we got to where we did a few days ago, because I feel so much better.

Tags: conversations, Ernie, grace